I can understand the desire to give him another chance, but listen to yourself, ok?
"We have this cycle. He does that and then I act like a bi!ch. I don't mean to, it's just the frustrations come out the wrong way. So then he gets annoyed and we don't talk for a few days."
That is not a healthy relationship, it's not communicative and it's plain childish sounding.
Why do you want such drama in your life?
I was the same way with my ex for 5 years, on again/ off again. Every time I left, he would come by to talk- but he always told me what I wanted to hear, he never changed his actions to match his words. There was always an issue, there was always pain, there was always anger. I was no longer my former happy self, I was this mean, hateful person because I was so angry with him. We fought all the time, I would find myself screaming at him, and even beating on him with my fists! I just wanted to hurt him the way he was hurting me emotionally, but it did no good. Finally I realized the toll it was taking on our son and left for good. He tried to get me back, but that was it, I was done.
Four years later, and I'm with J. He's so different from my ex that I don't know why I put up with that garbage for so long. We talk about things that might be an issue, but there's no MAJOR issues, more like who's gonna do dishes LOL! We agree about most issues, so there's no constant drama, no yelling, no fights. We have mutual respect for each other, and we BOTH want this relationship to work. And it's SOOOOO easy in comparison! I mean, we've made it a year and the time has just flown by. There's no storming out in anger, there's no disappearing acts, there's no fighting!
So ask yourself if that's really what you want to bring back into your life.
Go and have a fun vacation and try not to think of him. When you get back, I wouldn't rush to talk with him. Let him come to you. The biggest thing here is that it hasn't been long enough, in my opinion, for him to have made any substantial long term changes in his life. He hasn't had enough time to get his act together. He can say that he's in therapy and getting help and working on his problems, so let him. You don't have to be there to hold his hand- you want to be waiting on the other side when he comes out a better person and willing to start new with you. So really, I don't think it's only going to take a week, or even a month. I think if he's truly committed to being better, then it's going to take many months, even a year- and I don't believe you should be involved with him when he's going through that process.
You have to stop giving him the power here. "He either takes action or it's done." Why is it him that has to take action? You KNOW he's not going to, he's proven it time and again, why waste YOUR time hoping that things will be different when you KNOW it will be the same: you guys have a long talk, he tells you what you want to hear, things go well for 24 hours and then he disappears again.
A friend of mine said something once that truly brought the light to my situation and the beginning of the end of the cycle: she asked me, "are you truly tired of the situation and want it to end, or do you just like to complain about how horrible he is?"
I can see where you would have a curiosity to want to know why he is calling and you would want to call him - but don't. Be strong. You don't want to open an old wound. You have control by not answering. He is calling 5 times because he is bugged that he can't find you and that you won't answer.
I think you need to take a mental break from him and put your life back in order - get a busier social calendar, get in shape, do whatever it takes to make your life happy without him. I agree with Alison that you do not have to be holding his hand while he figures out what he wants - you have to put yourself first!!
Maybe it would help for you to give us a rough draft of what you want from him?
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You are right, and I won't be upset if I don't see him again.
That is exactly it!
Liz,
I can understand the desire to give him another chance, but listen to yourself, ok?
"We have this cycle. He does that and then I act like a bi!ch. I don't mean to, it's just the frustrations come out the wrong way. So then he gets annoyed and we don't talk for a few days."
That is not a healthy relationship, it's not communicative and it's plain childish sounding.
Why do you want such drama in your life?
I was the same way with my ex for 5 years, on again/ off again. Every time I left, he would come by to talk- but he always told me what I wanted to hear, he never changed his actions to match his words. There was always an issue, there was always pain, there was always anger. I was no longer my former happy self, I was this mean, hateful person because I was so angry with him. We fought all the time, I would find myself screaming at him, and even beating on him with my fists! I just wanted to hurt him the way he was hurting me emotionally, but it did no good. Finally I realized the toll it was taking on our son and left for good. He tried to get me back, but that was it, I was done.
Four years later, and I'm with J. He's so different from my ex that I don't know why I put up with that garbage for so long. We talk about things that might be an issue, but there's no MAJOR issues, more like who's gonna do dishes LOL! We agree about most issues, so there's no constant drama, no yelling, no fights. We have mutual respect for each other, and we BOTH want this relationship to work. And it's SOOOOO easy in comparison! I mean, we've made it a year and the time has just flown by. There's no storming out in anger, there's no disappearing acts, there's no fighting!
So ask yourself if that's really what you want to bring back into your life.
Alison
That was a good show.
Yes Alison, you are very right.
Liz,
Go and have a fun vacation and try not to think of him. When you get back, I wouldn't rush to talk with him. Let him come to you. The biggest thing here is that it hasn't been long enough, in my opinion, for him to have made any substantial long term changes in his life. He hasn't had enough time to get his act together. He can say that he's in therapy and getting help and working on his problems, so let him. You don't have to be there to hold his hand- you want to be waiting on the other side when he comes out a better person and willing to start new with you. So really, I don't think it's only going to take a week, or even a month. I think if he's truly committed to being better, then it's going to take many months, even a year- and I don't believe you should be involved with him when he's going through that process.
You have to stop giving him the power here. "He either takes action or it's done." Why is it him that has to take action? You KNOW he's not going to, he's proven it time and again, why waste YOUR time hoping that things will be different when you KNOW it will be the same: you guys have a long talk, he tells you what you want to hear, things go well for 24 hours and then he disappears again.
A friend of mine said something once that truly brought the light to my situation and the beginning of the end of the cycle: she asked me, "are you truly tired of the situation and want it to end, or do you just like to complain about how horrible he is?"
Think about it.
Alison
I felt tempted to call him last night.
I think you need to take a mental break from him and put your life back in order - get a busier social calendar, get in shape, do whatever it takes to make your life happy without him. I agree with Alison that you do not have to be holding his hand while he figures out what he wants - you have to put yourself first!!
Maybe it would help for you to give us a rough draft of what you want from him?
I think you are right, he's bugged he can't get ahold of me.
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