I Can't Continue On Like This...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
I Can't Continue On Like This...
7
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:32pm

So I went to my EMT class tonight, I was very talkative, social, and not letting on that being in the same room with the main girl that had an affair with my husband really got under my skin. (I felt vendicated when I aced the test we had and she failed it...lol!)

Anyway...after class I was walking to my car and she said "Kait, you should call your exhusband/husband. He told me to tell you that and that he tried to call you but you didn't answer." All I said was "that's fine," and got in my car. What I should have said was keep your freaking nose out of my business, but I wanted to take the high road and not have a confrontation with her. I mean, I have to spend two nights a week until March looking at her nasty face, so why be confrontational right at the start?

Anyway...not two minutes after that, my cell phone starts ringing! How did my ex know class was over early?? Um...yeah...girl called and told him. He called me 27 times, followed me half way home, and left me 5 nasty messages.

I'm scared.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared to get an RO b/c I'm scared to have to face him in court. All they ever do (they as in him and his family) is lie about me and it's his word against mine. I'm scared that he's going to take my dd and that he'll never give her back. I know that in reality it has nothing to do with my dd and everything to do with him not having control over me anymore. How did I become, in his mind, his piece of property?

I don't know if I should go ahead and scrape up the rest of the money and pay my lawyer for the divorce decree and actually be divorced, or wait so I don't have to let my dd go with this irratic crazy "boy." If I had a decree then it would state when and where she had to go and he would HAVE to abide by it. However, I don't want her to have to be in that environment.

This is also putting a big hold on my social life as well. I went out on a date Saturday night with a really nice guy, but how do you tell someone that hey...I thought I was divorce, been thinking that since March, but I'm really not...all over technical political economical bull crap!

I just want to have a normal, simple, boring life without drama! I'm so stressed and scared! I can't even get a change of venue b/c the judge in my county doesn't like me b/c he's friends with my ex's family. How can that even happen? What's going on with the justice system, or so called justice system, that we live in? How can be that I can harrassed and scared and lied about, and he can just do it any way?

What do I do? Why do I feel guilty? I know I have every right to a RO but I feel so terribly guilty. I know that I have been honest throughtout all of this, but he makes me feel like I'm lying in some ways. When I let him come back in May he still denied everything that he did. He would look me in the eye and say "You know I never did that...you know I'm not like that...You know I would never do anything like that or ever hurt you." All I could say was okay b/c I knew the truth, and so did he, that he did hurt me and he still is. Maybe he's not physically putting his hands on me, yet, but emotionally I'm about drained!

Somebody just tell me what to do...and how to get a backbone!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:25am

I think not getting the RO is dangerous.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:26pm

You just have to bite the bullet and take action. You have to get the RO and like Jennie says, call 911 when he is hassling you. If you don't take action you are going to be the victim of his actions.

Additionally, not taking action could give him ammunition to try to say you are withholding his daughter from him. That is not taken lightly in the courts. You have to sort this out ASAP. Don't think about what he will do - just think about what you have to do. Try to have people watching out for you. Can you live with your mom until you sort this out?

I would definitely try to show your lawyer your intent to pay. Go into the office with a check of what you can afford now - like one or two hundred dollars and a payment schedule. Ask him to help you. It can't hurt to have him on your side.

Go to the judge. Don't worry if the judge is friends with him. You are worrying about too many what ifs and this is disabling critical actions now when they are needed.

Do you remember the movie "Castaway" - you are in a similar situation. The island you are on feels comfortable even though it is not liveable. YOu have to jump off to get to safety.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:30pm
Kait, my heart really goes out to you. They are all taking advantage of you because you're not fighting back, as hard as it is, you have to take control of the situation. You must carefully document all occurances, and if he's harrassing you on your cell phone, you can get a print out of all the calls he's made. You have to run, not walk to your local court and get a order of protection and /or a restaining order. Once you have that in place, you can have him arrested if he continues, he's counting on your good nature and preying upon your fears like a predator, don't let him, it's no way to live. If I were you, I would carry a baseball bat in the back seat of your car, just in case God forbid you ever have to defend yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe look into a good self defense course. It may never come to that, but psychologically if you feel that you can defend yourself, it will give you some peace of mind.I don't know your ex, maybe he's all talk, maybe he's not, either way protect yourself don't take chances. I used to voluteer in a battered women's shelter and I saw everything, I don't advocate violence, but in some cases it's warranted when you are literally fighting for your safety/life. You can call Safe Horizons(an excellent orginization) @ (800)799-SAFE they can give you good advice on how to handle this situation. You also have to let his ex know that she can't mess with you, me personally I would give her the ass whopping of her life, she would run when she saw me comming, but that's just me, you have to find a way fast to stand up for yourself. People will mess with you if they smell fear, and know you're a push over, so my dear what ever way you have to, whatever way you can, grow a spine and a set of balls real fast.If not for yourself, but for your dd. This situation will not go away ! It will not get better until you take control, he's partying because you're doing nothing. If you don't do anything, it will escalate and get worse, so take action now, don't delay!
I will keep you in my prayers.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:49pm

I also think he knows you feel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:29pm
How are you doing now, Kaitlyn? The weekend is coming!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:29pm

Kait,


You ARE a strong woman, and you always give WONDERFUL advice to others here, so I encourage read some of your posts to others and really listen to your own words.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:13am

Thank you so much! You all are a wonderful group of very special people and I am so greatful that I found this board! Everyone on here helps me so much - you don't know how much I appreciate it!

Hugs,
Kait