I can't read him!
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| Sun, 09-28-2008 - 5:42pm |
Usually I am very good at reading people...all people. My students, my family and friends...even complete strangers. I've always had this gift of intuition that has always served me well. That is, until BF/F came along.
Don't get me wrong. There are certain things I read about him that are loud and clear. I know that he is insecure about us. I know his baggage weighs him down. I know he feels that I am important in his life.
I also know there is something else going on that I simply cannot, no matter how much I try, read! It isn't anything bad...no, nothing like that. I sense in him an internal conflict that he isn't ready to share with me, but he is hinting like no tomorrow. He's grown used to me reading is actions, but may I just share that reading his actions is EXHAUSTING!
On Friday, I got out of school early and he wasn't working. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks. When he found out I would be out early, he asked me to meet him at a nearby cemetery (don't freak...this is our hobby. we document graveyards and catalogue them so if they are ever destroyed, there will be a record. It honestly isn't as freaky as it sounds...promise). We love this hobby. Neither one of us will admit to the reason we like it. We tell each other that we want to preserve history and help people find their relatives. That is one of the reasons we like it. Another reason is that, when we go out and do this, it is just the two of us. Usually the setting is surprisingly beautiful...trees, creeks, rolling hills and silence. We walk the grounds and photograph all that we can to document later on.
Anyway, Friday was probably one of the best times I have ever spent with him. My confidence has been soaring due to the fact I'm working. I felt that independence when I was with him and I sensed that he did too. He responded very well. We walked around separately taking pics for an hour or so. Then we headed back by the creek where our cars were parked. Often, when he gets hot from standing in the sun, he'll decided it's time to go home for a swim. This time was SO different!
When we got back to the cars, I opened my SUV's hatch and sat on the gate. We chatted for a bit and he finally, nervously settled down next to me on the gate as well. Ever since the whole friends thing, he's been a bit more distant physically, so this really took me by surprise. We sat there along that creek under 50ft. shade trees with the autumn breeze cooling us down for over an hour. He's never been one to just sit. And it wasn't uncomfortable at all. Not only did we talk about anything and everything, but he looked at me the entire time. I mean, of course he looks at me when we talk, but he was REALLY looking at me and REALLY paying attention. I know...sounds silly.
As time passed, he settled in a little closer to me, brushing up against me. See...these cues I can read. These cues I get. It's a good sign...him showing me he wants to be closer. He began to joke and tease me and seemed thrilled when I gave as good as I got. I kept waiting for him to go home, but he found any reason he could to stay. We walked a while and then came back to sitting on the tailgate again.
I started telling him how my new job was going. I told him some of the issues I was having with the kids and he told me to be careful around the kids. I teach chem so he is concerned something might happen in lab. This was the first time he's been so openly concerned about me in a long time. I called him on it...in a good way. I told him that there were no concerns as long as I knew he was watching out for me.
At one point, I noticed that my feet were filthy! He pointed out that we had water in the cars and I asked him to pour a 2 liter on my feet while I cleaned them off. As he did, he thought it would be the perfect time to douse me! Soaking wet, I walked up to him and "dried off" all over his arms and legs. I could tell he loved the physical contact, but wouldn't say so. We laughed and laughed about it as we toweled off. Soon I had to get my daughter. I had a long drive ahead of me that night and he begged me to be safe. He knew I was tired.
Ok...so this all seems like it should be readable. Yeah. Right.
That night I call him on the way home from dropping off my daughter. As we talk, he says that his youngest has a new favorite rock group. His son, who knows me, gets on the phone and tells me the group! I talk to him briefly and then BF/F takes the phone back. His son starts to ask him, "Who is that dad? Who is it?". I laughed because anymore, he'll tell them it's me. Like I said, they know me. This time? He tells him, "No one. None of your business. Don't worry about it." Child continues to question him. "Is it Alma, Dad? Is it? When is she coming over again dad? Is it her? I miss her!" I wanted to cry when BF/F replied, "Will you just not worry about it!" I mean, seriously! What is going on?
The next day I had a paper to write for my master's class. He was going on a trip with his sister to research family history. I didn't expect to hear from him after the phone call incident. He calls at 11am and puts me on speaker with him and his sister. They tell me that they wish I had gone with them and that they just should have insisted. Not only do we have this little group conversation on their trip down, but he calls me 5 more times while they are down there just to talk to me.
Then today...football day...the day I am fully willing to let him have his "man-time", he calls me. He NEVER calls during football season! He's on his way to his brother's to watch the games and he just called because he wanted to talk to me. We chat for a while and when he gets to his brothers he tells me, "Well, I'll probably call you tonight or tomorrow for sure. But you know that, don't you? " I could sense him smiling on the other end.
I can't read this! Do you think it is still just him wrestling with his insecurities? Does he realize that he's getting closer and it scares him? Does he realize he's getting closer and he's afraid to let me know that for fear that I will leave? Is he so caught up in the "friends" thing from July that he's afraid to try to go another route now?
I know you all don't know him, but I need someone to offer an educated guess.
Yes, I know I need to talk to him. My confidence was high enough yesterday that I almost did, but again, I still want to wait until after my birthday in three weeks. If it turns out I am reading him wrong, I'm really not up for being depressed on my birthday. I don't think I am reading him wrong, but WOW is he a hard read! He's made no bones about the fact that he is glad I've let intimacy back into the equation, but we haven't acted on it yet. No time with both of our jobs and kids.
Any thoughts would be great.
Almalibra

What, exactly, are you looking for here?
"I can't read this! Do you think it is still just him wrestling with his insecurities? "
I really felt compelled to reply to this one because this is soooo much like a man I dated for 1.5 years. I call him RG on this board for religious guy. By what you describe your guy I would swear its my guy but RG doesnt have kids.
The answer to your question can be any number of things. It turned out that RG's issue was that he liked me a lot but struggles with his religion and his relationship with God. He has a few issues on top of that too, like a bad failed relationship with a woman prior to meeting me that hurt him a lot and the fact that he is super busy with his car and house.
Your guy sounds like he wants more than just friendship with you. This part is very obvious. He might need a little persuading if that's what you want too. The best thing I can suggest is a frank conversation about where you two are headed. I recommend doing this soon. I waited way too long to do it. RG is very sensitive and guarded and I didnt want to bring up a touchy subject. But that was my mistake. The subject didnt come up until the second time we got intimate and he backed out in the heat of things with no explanation. That night I insisted on knowing what was going on in his head.
I think the topic of what both people are looking for in a relationship should come up fairly early on.
My advice....dont beat around the bush with him. Wondering what the heck he is thinking will drive you nuts. Just come out with your questions on a day when you both have time to talk about it.
Oh and one more mistake I made that you should know about, I agreed to be casual but exclusive with RG. Big mistake. I think if the relationship is casual it shouldnt be exclusive.
Good luck
Laurie
"But if you are 47 and still can't commit to a relationship, why are you dating?"
Here here! That was RG. He wanted me exclusively with no commitment for the future and wanted me casually. He still does. I feel like he wants to reserve me for the future when he is ready to commit and have a serious relationship. Not fair.
I think you made a good decision to move on. There are a lot of other great men out there that know what they want.
Good luck with your two new interests.
Laurie
Thanks for the good advice! BF/F is very, very guarded too. His comes from a really bad and shocking divorce...he's sure he'll be left again so I get the feeling he's afraid to try. The main difference I see between RG and BF/F is that he actually wants to be with me, but is afraid to actually say so. It makes him so hard to read. It isn't so much a lack of willingness to commit, but sheer terror on his part. I feel this is the case...I don't know for certain. His wife just up and left with the kids out of the blue. Everything was hunky dory and then BAM! She and the kids were gone because she was "bored with marriage". He was devastated, especially to have the boys gone.
You are right that I need to talk to him soon. Around July I let him know that I was only spending time with him and no one else. He called that night for a "talk". He said he viewed me only as a friend and
I almost hate to say it, but from everything I have learned from my own experiences and read on here and elsewhere, someone who is THAT fearful of being left is not ready for a relationship, if you stay its a lot of baggage to deal with and he may not be able to resolve it because he hasnt resolved it before you came along and if thats the case it will be continually frustrating for both of you IMHO.
I know I posted about my own insecurities - I am constantly wondering if my guy will change his mind and not come through on a much talked about proposal based on every time we disagree on anything (ridiculous of me I know).
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Oh it is a lot of baggage to deal with. Thats why I gave up on RG. I was tired of his back and forth on the relationship. I still keep him as a friend but thats most difficult.
Alma, its just one thing to be aware of. If youre going to make a go of it with your guy then you will have to deal with his baggage.
Laurie
Hugs, Alma!!
I know about the baggage, and it IS exhausting to carry baggage and deal with thier baggage and on top of that to have to consistantly try to read signs and interpret the unspoken.
Life and relationships become so much easier when you communicate your fears...it is a risk, there is no doubt. But living behind the walls will not allow you two to get close and real. Can you visualize you on one side of a wall and he is on the other. You are both facing each other yet the wall is between you. You are both "safe" from the potential heart ache pain that love can bring, but you can not fully love each other with walls and things between you. Because right now you have to "guess" what each other is thinking and feeling, and when guessing and making assumptions we can be very off. Even though you (a lot like me in the intuition) are usually spot on in your gut and instincts, we have to remember that men and women and person does think differently and see out of different colored glasses....so your perceptions of each others feelings can noever be fully realized and understood without removing that wall.
I understand that you want to wait till after your bithday. Birthdays are important to me too, and so maybe three weeks time will be OK to wait. But know that you will both have to eventually take a leap of faith and talk, quite honestly with each other. You know- maybe you will just have to be direct about it...during a close moment together just ask him. Are we more than friends? I feel we are. I love being with you. How do you feel? The friends word bothers me. Can you say those things to him? Do you still feel like waiting till post b-day?
My take is that no matter what the other person says (i.e.
I have the feeling we are a lot alike, you and I Pac.
That helped more than you can possibly know. I love the wall reference! Perfect example. And you are right. I've been thinking of what I want to say to him when the time comes. Imagine my surprise when you put down in words almost exactly what I was thinking! The when is my issue, but that isn't here nor there. I can wait til post-birthday, believe it or not. Honestly, with my bday only 18 days away, I don't have much of a choice. He's traveling nearly every work day out of state right now, so I won't actually see him until weekend after next...unless we decide to get together after work one night. Tonight was the only night he isn't traveling fo the next two weeks and he had the boys tonight. You know, it's strange, but no matter what comes of this, I'm actually looking forward to this conversation. Sounds silly, I know.
Oh, I meant to share...I told him about my early menopause. He handled it like a champ! I was so impressed. He also surprised me tonight when I called him. I am beyond stressed as my daughter is failing all her classes. I just needed someone to think things through with me. I apologized for bothering him (two boys, both demanding dad's time for homework). What he told me made my night, "Don't apologize! You need someone to help you figure this out. You know if this happened to my son, you'd be the first one I'd call to help me think it through. You know I would too, don't you?" Then he spent 20 minutes helping me word a letter to her teacher and come up with study strategies.
I thought it was super sweet and a great sign.
Again, thanks for your advice!
Alma