I couldn't keep my mouth shut...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
I couldn't keep my mouth shut...
58
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:17am

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:29am

Everyone as usual is right. I know what each of you is saying (and you all care so much) and that you are all concerned. What it boils down to in everyone's opinion, is what is best for me and that you ALL want me to be happy.


I have to completely agree with all of you. Risk is risk and I am willing to take a small piece of that, but as we all know 7 weeks is a little iffy here. We would all be concerned if it was a divorce, let alone a death. After 12 years of being someone's big love, I can't see if being just over and done in 7 weeks. WE ALL know that is the truth.


7 months, ok.... 7 weeks??? Um........


I want the best for me. I need to know what is best for me. I want him to be happy, but my happiness counts foremost. I need to feel comfortable and i think it was city who said: Do you think you would be ready to kiss him knowing his wife is looming over you both? AND THAT MY DEARS is in my thought! Ok, isn't there a movie out there about JUST that thing? Played by Eva Longoria? Anyone see it?


I don't want her ghost looming over us. I don't want that to play a part in my life. I don't mind being supportive, understanding, etc. but I feel like I am disrespecting her by moving forward with him right now. I think I need time to get my head around this. Let alone him.


City, your explanation was soo perfect with SYB. I just feel that if C and I could have an understanding that he takes 2-4 more months to heal that we both would feel so much better about moving forward.


Don't read this wrong. I am not wanting to get married, I don't even know if I'll like him enough after a few dates, but I guess I like him enough right now that I wouldn't want to start something soon that could end in a crash (me crashing). I have to really be honest with all of you is that I am very fearful about getting hurt and that I need to feel that if I go into a relationship then it's with someone who is ready to also be in a relationship. Doesn't HAVE to be me, but he has to be ok with himself to want to move forward with someone eventually. I have HUGE abandonement issues, so I need to feel secure enough. His comment about me being right at the moment and pursuing that was awesome, but saying that if someone else came around that he also felt a connection with, he would pursue that as well, was not. I am no one's guinea pig. I've been the lab pig for too long. It's time I protect the little bit that I have left of my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:30am
Easy girls or I am pulling this car over....:)
I have to say a few things here.
I did take care of someone who had cancer ( my mom and best friend) for five years, and most of my grieving happened in the last two years of her life when I knew she was going to leave us for sure. She wasnt herself anymore and I was grieving that loss way before her body gave out. Once she was gone, I had some closure to find obviously but most of that was handled through closing the estate, going through her things and donating them and seeing her through my son. So in fact some of us might have experiences where we grieved in large part at the end of an illness, not after the death itself. I'm just saying it is possible.
In my opinion, C was probably justified at least in part in his reaction to Cat because she is telling him how he feels and what he is and isnt ready for. She might be right of course but nobody likes to be told how they feel and I think he probably wanted to reserve that right for himself. She did so in protection of herself I know but also I think a bit out of fear - also totally understandable. Sometimes though as I described in my post, there are risks in the beginnings of relationships with people due to timing and things not lining up perfectly. She is either prepared to take those risks or not based on where SHE is in her own journey as well as her assessment of where he is. It isnt just because of where she perceives him to be in all of this.
And I agree with mom little star that we dont have any idea how sick she was or how long and what they talked about during this time. Lung cancer is unbelievably debilitating and painful. The fact is his wife as he knew her was probably not in his presence for much of this illness and decline. He had to come to terms with that early on to be there for her and for his kids. He has been through a lot more and had to find more strength than most men at his age and he should be able to decide whether he is ready to move on or not. To me, Cat needs to make her decisions while she respects his assertion about being ready to date. Could he be wrong? Sure. But so could any guy she meets. Could he be more likely to be wrong? Sure. But in my book this guy might be a keeper because it appears he DID demonstrate extreme love and devotion in difficult circumstances for years. Some men would have run. He has found strength and humility through this ( had to!) and some men never make contact with those two things. He could be a catch and they have had a connection and she has said she likes him very much so far. I think all mom little star was suggesting was that she not cut the exploration part too soon....I have to agree.
You can work very hard to protect your heart and get slammed when you arent looking. At least she is looking and can see.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:32am

"I need to feel that if I go into a relationship then it's with someone who is ready to also be in a relationship."

YES - that is so basic.

If you are right for him then he will understand and wait - and occupy himself with other pursuits. A casual friendship to stay on the radar - while dating others - is in order.

HUGS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:34am

Then your gut is telling you...fear should not be one of the first

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:36am

This is very good stuff citylife!!! I like what you write.

And to the others - easy easy - it is good to bring different viewpoints - and not take what others say disrespectfully. We can agree to disagree. Sometimes you will agree so strong with one person but then in a few months want to put them on ignore because they see something so different from you. But that is all good.

I think this whole thread has been very useful today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:38am
Sorry to keep posting but I just read your last message and I just wanted to say - are you sure you heard him correctly on the thing about you being right for right now etc? Couldnt he have meant "look, all I know is right now. I dont want to date anyone but you right now. If I feel differently at some point, thats a different story" I mean that is all you can ever ask of anyone. Especially at this juncture. You seemed unsure of what he meant the first time you posted about it and seemed to want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
There is always the possibility in dating that even if things are going well, someone else will show up and it will go even better with them somehow. These are just standard risks IMO. So that fear I dont think can be pinned on him. I have some huge abandanmont issues of my own so I understand. Thats why I was so sick in my stomach for the first 5-6 months I loved SYB. But I have to tell you, letting go and living day by day ( which is what he is asking for) isnt necessarily more dangerous for your heart than doing what you are doing now. Is it?
We ALL want you to be happy Cat.
And will someone PLEASE come over here and blow sunshine up my skirt? That sounds great LOL - I have never heard that expression but its a gem:)
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:41am

"7 WEEKS is definately a mood killer on the kiss."

LOL!! Yes - I think that would be for anyone!

OMG - this has flipped all of us out - I can't imagine it.

PLUS - can you imagine what his friends and family members would say - it would make Cat look bad. That was my original thought this morning and what I was writing about - they would scrutinize her and the whole thing would turn into a drama.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:42am

I don't know his friends and family, so I wouldn't know, but he asked me how I about children and if I could accept his. I told him I could and asked him the same about mine. We were raised by different men that weren't our fathers, but acted as our fathers. Therefore, we are both on the same page. I have always wanted a huge family so adding on to my brood now isn't a question. I have a career that would allow me that balance and supports it. C also has a fantastic career that allows that flexibility too. Diapers would be a little much, but toddlers don't bother me. I love children, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:44am
Yeah, if we have this much activity/opinions on our board can you even IMAGINE what it would be like in REAL LIFE with friends and family!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! I was thinking about Cat and this situation on the way to work this morning and just how complicated it is!
Steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:46am
You guys really have talked about things! Excuse me for making this suggestion but if you do see him again I REALLLY think you need to go to a movie, a comedy, and just not talk at al. Then after you have laughed a lot he can drive you home and just wink at you - no kiss.
Is it possible for you to lighten things up with him at all? I think that would help even if you are to just maintain a friendship.
Lilypie - Personal picture