I couldn't keep my mouth shut...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
I couldn't keep my mouth shut...
58
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 9:17am

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:46am

It boils down to being out of my comfort zone.


I'm sorry, but I just see it as being intimate with a man where his wife's body is

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:48am
But that is a good thing - it shows you have a lot of self respect!! Although I hope you didn't say THAT!! LOL!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:49am

I have read all the other posts and just wanted to put in my 2 cents!

April

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 10:49am
I WOULDN'T DARE!!!!!!!! But it's been on my mind since a week!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 11:02am
I just had this thought that this is a bit like pin the tail on the donkey. I dont know why exactly but it seems to me that in some way you should tell him exactly what you just said --only nicer:) Does he know or has he thought to be aware of the fact that you are in a dual position here. Yes, you are worried for yourself, your children and in fear that he might not be ready. BUT also you are a woman - and a woman who has stated before that you would never tread on another woman's territory. You ( as I would be also) are just creeped out and uncomfortable with the idea of becoming intimate ( and to me, like you, kissing is intimate) would be treading on his late wife's relationship with him because it is soon - FOR YOU. That is not even taking into consideration your other experiences, fears of abandonment etc. I think the elephant in the room is that you dont feel comfortable being romantic with him because 7 weeks ago she was physically still here. I really think he would understand your outburst from last night better ( I dont mean that in a negative way) if you explained that to him. It is touchy but it is certainly a subject you would have to open up IMO if you were to continue seeing him in any capacity. Otherwise he will think it is a rejection him in some way and I dont think that is how you feel.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 11:08am

"pin the tail on the donkey" - LOL!! You are very articulate.

This is a great thought, Cat. Plus you are concerned how you would look to everyone else and you do not want TMTFTS because you both have kids - have to go slow!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 11:29am

On a similar note I wanted to add--My grandpa is much older but he spent 3 months alone after my grandma died and knew he hated it.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 1:04pm

((((((HUGS, Cat))))))))


I haven't read the responses yet, but I wanted to give you my full support. I can't even express how proud I am for you to know what is best and to say it. Sooooo many mistaken people would jump right into the "emotional bandage" roll and then find that after the grieving was over the relationship was never really evaluated or built on steady, ready ground.


I know these things were hard to say. I believe you are being wise to being cautious. And you know what? You have every right to want marrieage down to road maybe and just because that scares some men, that is not your fault. The sad reality is that he is in a different space because he needs to heal and deal before even entertaining the thought of marriage again. That's not his fault either, but it is the reality. And you, my friend, have seen this reality and are speaking the truth.


I'm really proud of you, Cat. I hope that you both can be friends for a while at least, if that is what you want and if you see value in his friendship. I think your friendship could be enriching for you both. If I were you I would be tempted to say to him that because you do see value and potential in him, you don't want to ruin something before it even happens. You're doing what you're doing for the good of you both. And that is commendable.


I know this guy hurts inside even if he outwardly tells himself he's fine. Denial is strong and certainly he wants to be ready. But it's premature and in the long run C will respect you much more for making these things known and taking time. I believe that!!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 1:18pm

but saying that if someone else came around that he also felt a connection with, he would pursue that as well, was not. I am no one's guinea pig. I've been the lab pig for too long. It's time I protect the little bit that I have left of my heart.


I can completely understand this. Your self protection is kicking in and I do not at all see this as an over reactive protection or shell. I would have reacted exactly the same way tothe comment you wrote above. It's his truth- that he will persue connections if they come- but your truth is that you want a MAN WHO IS READY, mentally healthy and there for you- and is willing to close the door on other prospects. I just want to tell you that I really get where you are coming from.

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 03-12-2008 - 1:21pm

And will someone PLEASE come over here and blow sunshine up my skirt? That sounds great LOL - I have never heard that expression but its a gem:)


LOL!!! I was thinking the same thing....sounds niiiiiiice :o)

~Pacific~
~Pacific~