I couldn't leave well enough alone....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
I couldn't leave well enough alone....
4
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 4:11am

So i took some bad advice from my father and I sent a text that read: Good Mornig! What r we going to do this weekend? 1.5 hrs later I got, I don't know about u but i'm working. A slap in the face but an answer I needed.

I got to work, said hello and acted normal. I asked if she was hungry and we went to eat in another terminal at taco bell. We sat and I asked, hey, if I have something else to say is now a good time or should we set aside some time? She said now. I told her that I thought the things we were doing didn't seem to just be friendly things. It seemed to me that we were almost dating. I was not going to sit in Vegas or where ever I ended up grabbing at straws while she was in LA. No more "puupy love". I wanted to know where I stood and I wasn't going to be like her ex sitting here grassping at nothing. She responded by telling me how she perceived her ex and his feelings. I ignored almost all of that because that was not what I asked her. I wanted to know so again I said, I understand that but where do I stand in the context of your life and I am not trying to push u but I am entitled to answers as harmful as they might be to me. She said, I have never thought u were pushing me until yesterday with the phone call and now today with a different light again. She also stated that she just wasnt ready. She had had a great time (as did I ) but that I knew when we started where we stood as friends. "I told u not to make me breakfast and u did" I told here that she had said I didnt have to, big difference. She agreed and said I have tried to tell u in so many ways. I said, thats fine and appreciate the honesty. I am sorry that I have to bring this up now but I don't know when I might see u again before you leave and I would never ever disrespect you or risk what u have earned here by bringing this into your office.

"The breakfast and everything is just part of who I am I would always do nice things for you because u deserve the very best and then some, the utmost respect, and I think u deserve all of the affection I have showed u and more. I did not mean to wow you but I did do some little things for you that I thought u might appreciate. I didn't want you to leave wondering if there was something else I could have said or done to change things. I am certainly not pursuing anything else now that we have cleared the air and drawn a line. I did not want to go through the next couple weeks treating you differently or feeling akward about what was going on. The things that I do for u r only part of what I bring to the table, I have much more but u know where to find me when and if you are back to dating." She said she was very happy alone for now. After 6 years it is a relief to go start something new, spend time with her daughter, and not answer to anyone. I told her again that I love the idea of her having a daughter (and I truly meant that because I love kids) and if she was anything like her mom, (which she should have many of your qualities) then she must be an amazing little girl.

She said that it was fair for me to tell her that she was hard to read. After all she had been with the ex and only him for the last 6 years so spending time with someone else was certainly different for her. She did not know exactly how to act but again assured me that I had done nothing wrong.

I asked if there was anything that she found with me that she liked or disliked. She said I like everything about u your personality, your demeanor, and your work ethic. I like you being forward and honest with me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with u. I asked if she were dating if she would consider me, she said of course, you have done all the right things, all the things that I like and I have no reason not to date you other than I am just not ready. I mentioned that we have alot in common and I complimented her on a few little things that I liked about her.

Basically that was the conversation and it lasted 50min or so. There were some other little things but I think I covered the major points with all of you. I didn't share my feelings or emotiions with her, this was my opportunity to hear her speak. Maybe I did myself more harm than good but at least I got my answers. We were very peaceful and I think she became comfortable with the conversation as time went on. She took a couple phone calls in the middle of things because she is a manager but she flowed right back into what we were saying. It would have been very easy for her to avoid things or take other action.

In the end:

I couldn't work very effectively over the last 4 or 5 days but after this I felt awesome. I worked fine, my mind was at ease and I had comfort in knowing that she liked what I had to offer but was not ready to pursue anything. I don't read into that thinking that she will come back to me ever, but if she was being honest with me (which she had nothing to gain by lying) then maybe she will realize how great a guy I might be for her. The important thing for me is I can move on. I wasnt looking around for her or anything like that after we had the conversation.

Before she left I went into her office to say hi, wish her daughter the best in her softball game tonight and get some candy from her (something I have always done....just acting the same as I always would). There were lots of smiles and things were very normal. We...and especially I, were our same old selves.

Your thoughts....and please don't be too rough with me.

Do snow or any of you others want to meet sometime? I fly for free and heck I don't have anything going on. Funny I feel better but I don't feel like moving into any kind of relationship now either...how ironic.

Aces

BTW, I have been impressed by many of these articulate replies I have received. Its extremely difficult to see her emotions without being there. She is very laid back and a very happy person. I would like to see how many votes I get for doing more harm or good for myself. Anyone think that this was mature or immature on my part?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 7:09am

Aces,

You did what you felt was right for you - and in the end that is all that matters. Some of us would feel that you should let it go right away because she is not immediately into you. Some would say to wait and see. And some would say just say what is on your mind because you have nothing to lose.

All of these answers are right - there is never an easy answer or right answer when it comes to the heart.

I think that you really liked her and still had questions - and you wanted answers. I think you have your answer now - that she isn't ready. You work with her and she is moving. In my mind this is leaning towards not meant to be. So I would let it go.

I think it is okay to do what you did - it is okay to get a solid answer and closure. Where I would draw the line is if you were spending too much money for you to try to sway her or if you were putting your job in jeopardy or stalking her. And it doesn't appear to me that you are doing any of these things. And that now you are more at peace with what is before you.

You are young and you sound wonderful - just try to be patient and the right one will come along. I am sure of that.

Take good care - and don't be a stranger - maybe we can help you with the next one, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:39am

OH Aces... I wish you hadn't done that- to have brought up your feelings yet again to her, when you know she already knows where you stand! But the outcome is that you got your answer- which I think was pretty clear from the start (if you read back to some of our responses here, I think we sensed that she was not ready and wanting to be "just friends"). It was just not the answer YOU wanted to hear, and you had to keep asking, hoping that the answer would change. JMHO.

So you say that you think it's ironic that you don't even feel like moving into another relationship now, after all that? That is ironic... because I'm sure that's how SHE has felt all along- with getting out of a relationship with her ex- and needing some time to rediscover who she is, alone. And who she is as a single parent to her dd. And so yes- she is NOT ready to get involved again.

After all the energy you have put into trying to make a relationship form with this woman, you're now probably feeling a bit drained. Now is the time when you need to rediscover yourself also- and not to just find someone else to pursue as a replacement for her.

It's true that all the things you were doing for her were great things, very nice things and sweet things. All of the women here would probably enjoy being treated that way (with the exception of Snow- you'd better not send her flowers, ever! lol). BUT- to be ovewhelmed with all the 'niceness' when there is not even a relationship in place... I would be running for the hills. It's too much, too soon, too fast. All the nice gestures and actions are great for while you're IN the relationship- but to pile it all on right at the start (or even before it starts)- it's a bit much, IMO. But then again, I am not a high-maintenance type of girl so I'd rather have a little over a longer period of time rather than feeling like I was pressured to return feelings that really do take a longer time to develop. Again... it's all JMHO.

I'm glad you 'got' the answer now though- even if it's not the answer you were hoping for. I think it's time to let her be (still be friendly as a co-worker) but no more trying to push for a date or time together. I would think that if I was in her situation, even to meet for dinner as friends would be awkward now.

Dating and relating can SUCK sometimes... but when it's right, it will be SO much easier. And you won't be left wondering and trying to read her. If it's right, you will have an idea how she feels without all the constant questioning. And when it's right... it will be SOOO worth the wait now. Hang in there, Aces. This one wasn't for you, but you'll find one who is one day.

~shrimpy, feeling like she just adopted a lil bro too

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 9:07am
Aces, Aces, Aces. Where the HECK do guys like you come from? No, seriously.
So, as far as whether or not you did more harm than good, at this point, it doesn't really matter all that much. She's moving, you're going to move on, and that'll be that.
All I really have to say, is you said what you felt you had to say, and now it's all out in the open. If you needed that closure, and sometimes, we all do, then at least you've gotten it.
You'll be able to continue to be friends with her, but like I've said before, I don't think you should give up on the possibility of dating other women. You may not want to right now, and that's all right, you don't have to. But don't hold out hope for her forever. That's not fair for yourself. You aren't even going to be living in the same city, right? So, maybe she'll get to the point where she's ready to date, and maybe she won't, but why should you put your life on hold in the meantime?
If you honestly don't have any interest, that's fine, we've all been there, but if it's because you're waiting for her, don't. She'll respect you more and probably want you more if she knows your life didn't end, so to speak, because she's gone. Women are funny like that.
So, Aces, stick around, and we'd love to have your opinion on our man-dramas!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 10:30am

We talked about me moving yet again because I wanted to let her know that I was not moving for her anymore. I explained all the reasons other than her why I would go out to CA as well. I am from there and my family is there. Right at the moment I feel like I need that support group but aside from that she has taught me many things.

I work constantly as I have said before and I don't make time for family very often. I think that moving back home will give me that opportunity to spend time with them. I guess down deep something inside tells me that being an hour away from her would be much easier for her than a guy who is in antoher state. Obviously if it was meant to be then anything can happen no matter where you are. My pt is though, I think everyone would agree that when you're dating and things are going south u come to realize that there is this great guy who is only an hour away and what the heck are you doing not giving him a chance? But honestly, that is the last thing on my mind after the conversation yesterday. I certainly hold out the least hope ever in that happening.

I don't think she hates me for what I have done I can't see how she can do anything but admire what I have said and done for her. Admire does not mean fall in love with its just more along the lines of this:

"People may forget the things you did, people may forget the things you said, but people don't forget the way you made them feel."

I have a hard time believing that I made her feel anything but happy. Of course I made her feel akward but that I think will be overwhelemed in the long run heppiness.

As for dating, I would like to move on but I am moving also I think and we will just have to see. I will certainly keep in touch about my future relationships which in all likelyhood won't include her unless she can trust me to be her friend (who knows).

Aces