I decided I hate being a single parent

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
I decided I hate being a single parent
17
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:49am

I hate being a single parent period.

It has been over two years since my divorce was final. In that time I had one boyfriend but that ended over a year ago in January 2006. Since that time I have had three dates with two different men. I have not had sex since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I was married for over 10 years and we were together for 4 years prior to that. So I will admit I am not even to sure how to meet men to date. I do not want to do the online dating thing. I just want to stop being lonely all the time. I will be honest I want to married again. I liked being married I just did not like the person I was married to or shall I say my ex husband did not like me.

I don't like doing every thing on my own like the parenting taking care of bills, house ext. I is wearing me out. It is makeing me tired and stressed. So I am a lonely,overwhelmed, stessed parent who is going to be 39 in a week. It all just makes me feel oh so very sad

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:23pm

I can totally relate to what you've said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:28pm

Oh dear - it sounds like you are indeed at the end of your rope. I think too much stress and turning 39 has put you over the edge.

Sorry to hear that you are this way. Do you have a way to take a little vacation or break? Maybe family can help for a weekend? Because I think that a little time away can help a lot to come back to things and feel fresh to attack them.

We all feel this way from time to time. It is very overwhelming to be a single parent. I just took a test online to determine real age and one of the questions asked if you were a full time caregiver or had gone through a divorce - and that is us all rolled up into one. I know some on here are even more stressed because they are taking care of sick parents or spouses rolled up on top of all this.

You can stomp your feet and scream and wish you were happily married instead of this way - or you can try to have a more positive outlook and "make your garden better" so to speak. You do have to do the work to have a social life. It can be as simple as getting your kid in activities so you can be around other parents, volunteer work at church or school, exercise classes/activities at the gym, your neighbors, etc. After a while your social life will build again and you will be less lonely. I also believe in time that you will not mind and get more used to being alone.

When you are at your best and happy on your own is when you will meet the right person who is into you. Tomorrow is always a new day and you never know what it will bring!

WE are always here to commiserate with and to vent. Hopefully you will read all of the posts and participate - you will learn a lot and see you are not the only one in your boat.

Hope this helps - and that you get a break or take yourself shopping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:38pm

OMG - this is like the best post I have read all day!!!!

I want to erase mine and copy yours.

IT is so true true true!! I remember my counselor saying, welcome to being a single mom - it does $uck so get over it!

But the thing is, that after getting strong and being used to being on my own - this is like so much better than my marriage EVER was, even on a good day that I can't imagine my life any other way.

I love what you said about having to get little ones up and out the door for school - it is true, Soonee, they don't do that quickly on their own. Sometimes it takes pleading, begging and dragging to get them on their feet. And you would rather snuggle up with them and all go back to sleep. Then the breakfast, laundry, meals, activities and projects and tests - you so hit the nail on the head.

And you are right - the dating pool has shrunk like one of those lakes in a drought - but the good news is I can see the losers and misfits right off the bat. I know what I need and I am not settling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 2:30pm
I know it I was able to take some time off that might help. But I can't right now. As for help I know that is part of my problem I lack the help. So I end up feeling like I am having to do it all by myself. I take that back I have a little help like my freind taking my daughter to dance when I can't get off of work on time. It does not help that I have two teens now plus one that is going to be 10 in two days. As for doing things and meeting people around here. I will admit this does nothing but make me feel worse becuase I will go to things for the kids and just see all the parents that are married and I feel left out in the end. I can't count how many times when I was the third wheel with my best freind and her husband. So I felt like I was imposing to much and I have purposely distanced my self a lot. When they did things together it would upset me because I would think I want that and I don't have that. I don't want to be alone any more. I am tired of all the loneliness of my life. I know that my state of mind is not going to get me anybody soon and this is a stressor right there. I often worry that is this what I am going get. My kids are going to grow up and leave the house and what will I be left with. Alone and by myself. I find it very very scary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 3:08pm

I know what you mean about feeling like the third wheel. I think we all feel that way when we are around married folks. But you know what? Not everyone who is married is happier or better off. And there are more friends out there for you to meet who are single or with older kids or whatever who will make you fit in as a single. I think you have to make the transition from being with all the friends you knew as when you were married to now as a single. It just takes time.

You do have your hands full with 3 kids. I wish there were more people to help you. Don't be afraid to demand more of the kids to pitch in and help around the house. It helps them become better people. My son helps me vacuum, do the dishes, set the table, clean his room, brush the pool and wash the dogs. One day he surprised me by taking botafterward is a different story. LOL!! We had "Lake Dog Bath" in there!! I think it was a 5 towel clean up or something like that.

I think you are in the worst part of getting settled after the divorce - because you haven't had time to transition to becoming more independent, more efficient and making new friends and happy as a single. It will get better, I promise. And if the house doesn't get picked up one day or you all have to eat Dominos, no one will die from that! I also think that when you are depressed from a failed marriage you just don't have the energy for simple tasks like cleaning out a closet or really tackling the house/laundry and you feel overwhelmed as you do.

When I look at all my married friends now I feel sorry for them because I have so many new activities I love that they cannot afford the time to do. But I have had over 7 years alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 3:18pm

These ladies as usual have given you great responses. Yes SP can be stressful, and yes it can be scary. Beleive me after almost 11 years alone, I can tell you it does get better, especially after the kids get older.

There is no magic formula, you must build your life one step and one day at a time. I know your pain, as I have no help or support system myself. I don't have the free weekends or even days some other mothers are lucky to get, but I hang in there and make the most of it where I can.

Connecting yourself spiritually with what works for you, may be an emotional lifesaver.
I know it's what has worked for me to keep me sane.

You are not alone, we are here for you.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:13pm

Oh huhnee, when I read this: "I will go to things for the kids and just see all the parents that are married and I feel left out in the end."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 8:59pm

OOOH Soonee - you so hit the nail on the head with the Easter thing. I was so so sad when I read that! Xmas does that to me, especially on the year I don't have my DS.

I have overcome the Xmas thing by splurging on myself and rejoicing in the fact that I don't have to shop and ship for inlaws I didn't like. And I don't have to argue about where to go for Xmas - I am going where I want to go. And I tell myself I have a lot to be thankful for and it is just one day.

I think in time you start to notice how you have it better than married folk. For example, I just built a pool in our backyard and I got to pick EVERYTHING and it was just the way I wanted. Ditto with the floors I just put in - love 'em and I picked 'em. Don't have to wait for a husband that never fixes something anyway - just hired an excellent handyman and gave him a honey-do list! And when exh has my DS I am doing a lot of neat things including exploring a whole new world of athletics - just came home with my first big win and plaque last week! My wedding dress would never fit because it would be too big. Not that it is around here anyway - sold that on ebay! It was my very first sale on ebay - needed the space in my closet - hahahaha!!

We got 2 puppies and raised them into fine adults. Exh would never have approved that decision - or should I say decisions because we got one and then another! I let one of them sleep with me and loved it. No one to complain about that!!!

And now the best part of all - I don't have to share a vacation with bad inlaws(exh used to only like going on vacation with HIS family - UGHHH) - and I booked the camping trip I have always wanted to Jackson Hole!!!!!!!!!! We are staying in a tent cabin and are going to do everything I always wanted to do - DS loves it.

We are doing the trip the cheap way. I saved up some miles for the plane and car. And the tent cabin is just $40 per night. I will cook all our meals to save money. Plus we do that now - without the exh who loved to order soup to nuts on eating out we don't eat out and I save a lot of money eating simple healthful meals at home. DS and I sometimes sit on the floor and watch TV while we eat - HORRORs - the exh would never have allowed that - and it is a great way for DS and I to bond and discuss stuff.

Believe me, I wasn't always this way. It took me 7 years to get to this! And now the trouble is that I am so so so cozy and content in my little world that I am not sure I would ever marry again. Just want to find someone nice to date a bit. Have learned a lot about dating so I am pretty confident I am going to make a good decision this time around. Reading books, crashing and burning and most importantly using this board has taught me a LOT!!

You have a clean slate - don't waste it!! If you read some of the stories here you will realize you don't have it as bad as many.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:18am
What is a holiday with the kids. I have not had a holiday with my kidsin so long I don't even know what it is like . I have not had my kids for Easter for three years now . Christmas is the same three years with out them. I also have not had them for for two Thankgivings. Holidays for me means I am pretty much going to be alone. So as a result I have become an Agnostic. I let my husband have the kids for the holidays because they do things and I don't. When we were married we always went to his parents. So I let my kids go to my husband for there sake not mine. I really hate holidays.
Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 8:57am

I can totally relate also~we ALL can at times! I am 36~soon to be 37~with three children. I'm actually OK with the Christmas/Easter thing. I'm always so excited that I get to spend time with my extended family on those days and we have tons of laughs so those days aren't too hard for me. What I find hard, oddly enough, is school functions such as Back to School Night or school plays, etc. Ugh~hate dealing with those on my own, but I do!

What you are going through now will give you the ability to really "find yourself" and be accepting of who you are as an individual. Enjoy this time and embrace it. Good things WILL come for you with patience~I know they will for me~

{{{HUGS}}}

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