I did it...so why do I feel so bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
I did it...so why do I feel so bad?
24
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:06pm

Okay, well I broke up with E tonight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:19pm

Hugs, Jennifer!!!


Breaking up sucks, no matter what the circumstance or how it's done, or who does it, or how it's received. Even when it's a good idea to break up... it still sucks!


I'm glad you are sticking to your guns- and being true to yourself and knowing what you deserve. I know you can find it- and it will be more than worth the pain/guilt now! Having been in a relationship where I felt more alone than simply BEING alone (my failed marriage)... I will never be involved again unless I feel that it is solid and safe and real. Don't settle for anything less than that!


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:35pm

Wow.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 2:55am

I hate when breakups are not face-to-face. I think getting a "Dear John" email is sucky. My most intimate relationship of a year was via an email. I believe to treat people as how I want to be treated.

I don't discount or judge why you broke up with E. I want to invite you to examine what was your part in the relationship that you were responsible for. How much did E say had some truth in it? Are you able to see it through his eyes?

From what I read about breakups is that the person who initiates it usually has been mulling it over for a while and knows for a while that s/he will be breaking up and has the justifications/reasonings/resolutions already down by s/he lets the other party know that they are breaking up with them.

I believe there is a learning from every relationship and that each person has a role in it. There is no one "bad guy/gal" for we own our part in it.

Mark





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 3:57am

How much did E say had some truth in it?


I think the problem is that when you're dealing with a less-than-healthy person, a manipulator like this guy has shown himself to be, there is always some truth in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 4:23am

You did do the right thing and you are not asking too much. Do not rethink it because of what he said. Sure he thinks he has changed himself - and maybe he has worked on things a little - but in my mind the yelling and cursing at the kids is a core character thing. It is not like leaving socks on the floor. To me that is a key thing if you are thinking about marriage and committing to someone. So is the money issue. Love is not enough to weather those two storms and mix 2 sets of kids.

Delete everything and move on. There are plenty of good fish in the sea. And you have put yourself first and learned a valuable lesson. Always listen to the inner voice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 4:43am

If a guy was verbally abusive, too intense or in any way a little unstable I would use the email in a new york minute. When I am done, I am done and I put me first. Being a woman I always feel more vulnerable and being a single mom intensifies this concern for me.

Just another perspective.

The good thing about email is that it does allow the thoughts to be put down and edited on paper. It can allow you to put a more positive spin on them and end it more gracefully than if you do it by person and emotions get too intense and an argument ensues and then things end ugly.

In this case, the guy should see that he has real issues to work on if he wants a good relationship. And he should thank her for helping him realize that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 10:48am
words are easy, especially when a man wants to get in your pants. After the bonking he wants nothing to do with you, do you get it? He is not in to you!!! Try finding a good man who wants to share a life together
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 6:35pm

I want to thank you guys for your encouragement and opinions.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 6:49pm

Darlin! You did the RIGHT

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 7:04pm
Wow. That was a very pointed email but it only proves you made the right decision in my head. I agree completely with soonee about the "improvements" in his cursing in front of the girls. What in the world? Is it really too difficult for a grown person to refrain from bad language in front of their own kids let alone other kids? There is such a thing as impulse control and adults who are stable and have their stuff ( see? not cursing!) together can check themselves before they make poor decisions around kids. It just doesnt bode well that he couldnt do any better than that.
He doesnt have enough humility in that email for you to have even one regret I think. I know it stings to read it but when you meet someone worthwhile, you will feel even more validated for having broken it off with E. The good guys cant come along if you are wrapped up in the other ones!!
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