I did it...so why do I feel so bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
I did it...so why do I feel so bad?
24
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:06pm

Okay, well I broke up with E tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 7:12pm
I agree with Judy that in some cases an email is just plain SAFER than a face to face break up.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 7:14pm

Jennifer,


Good for you for putting yourself first!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 7:26pm
Amen.
I have been in relationships much like what she described in that they wouldnt let me finish a critical thought or voice my concern. They interrupted, twisted, passed blame and disoriented me in person - it was maddening. I am a quick thinker but in the heat of the moment if I am frustrated I am a cryer too which as ridiculous as it sounds is just what happens. If I cant be heard and am being bullied I get frustrated and get teary - and you can imagine how that works when the guy is kind of a jerk and wants to just push it all over to my side. I have ended at least two relationships that I can think of right now by email and dont regret it. It was the sanest way to FINALLY be heard and have full coherent thoughts transmitted to them so that they had a chance of understanding why things were breaking up. Communication is a two way street and if there is a history where in person communication is not allowed to flow freely or manipulated somehow, another route has to be taken IMO.
Having said that, I think we would all normally prefer to end things well and face to face. Like someone else said, when things are on a level playing field and they just havent worked out, it is a no brainer to meet and talk it over so that everyone feels closure.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:10pm

Me either!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:12pm

The good guys cant come along if you are wrapped up in the other ones!!


Amen!


Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 9:16pm

But you don't need to be there while he's still a work in progress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 10:05pm

It's hard when you want to help someone do better with themselves, but for the most part we can offer support, guidance if asked and lead by example- and then hope for the best.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 9:53am

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.


Please keep in mind that the right one for you won't need any 'changing', so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:33am
About not being able to change anyone....
Its such a hard thing to live by that in relationships. We all could stand for some improvement and some of us are comfortable with a full disclosure mode in a relationship and admit what we are currently working on to improve ourselves. I am constantly a work in progress. I see great potential in myself:) lol...So I think those of us who end up with men who we think we can change are sometimes the women who have great humility themselves and are openly working on things ourselves. It feels ok in the beginning that these guys have some issues because after all, so do we and we are all working on eventually creating a stronger unit as a couple right? Sure, until the guy wont talk about their issues anymore, stops showing humility about the issues, begins deflecting stuff on you and buries his head in a cave. Then we wonder why we ever got together with someone who only had "great potential".
I guess my point is - it is possible to be with someone who is a work in progress because I believe we ALL should be seeing ourselves as works in progress. To me, It is the most fruitful way to live and love in this world - to be challenging yourself to see things more clearly each day and reaching higher levels of understanding around you along the way. My bf and I consider ourselves to be works in progress. We are both trying to strive for things in our career, looking for higher levels of intimacy, trying to find clarity in family relationships, etc and well aware of our issues both individually and as a couple. No problem because it is all on the table and there is enough yummy stuff on the table to keep both of us from getting peckish so to speak.
I for one have always been wary of someone on dates who appeared to have EVERYTHING together. I would always wonder when the ball was going to drop. We ALL have our issues, dont we? So maybe the thing is to have someone who is aware enough of themselves that they are motivated to move in the right direction themselves and show that consistently from the beginning. Then you are there for encouragement but not at the actual helm of the ship so to speak...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 10:49am

Very good point, City.


Maybe the difference is in who identifies (or initiates) the change to be made?