I did it...so why do I feel so bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
I did it...so why do I feel so bad?
24
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:06pm

Okay, well I broke up with E tonight.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 11:14am

ITA. I don't think we can change deep-ingrained ways of thinking/see things and relating to other people. If someone has a short fuse and yells and is abusive - that can't be changed. If someone is lazy or bad with money - that can't be changed. A personality cannot be changed. Ambition cannot be changed. Adaptability cannot be changed. Open-minded thinking (or lack of it) cannot be changed.

But things like the remote control, socks on the floor, improvement in conversation skills, those can be changed, gradually. Those are requests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 11:30am
Yes, maybe there is a gray area in my mind. I agree that how someone treats children or old people or whether they will resort to violence ( like my other post AHH) cannot be changed. I do think that some people however can change their ways about money, learn to be more openminded or just be more brave about life in general. Lots of changes that we all try and make for OURSELVES are centered around fear or issues from family or childhood and those take time and do happen in my experience. Like some of us were horrible at some poin in choosing a mate but we are learning through experience to pick smarter and better. Some patterns are deep rooted but dont serve us and for just sheer self preservation we can change them with help. But the important thing is that we are changing them for ourselves, not usually for someone else. So if you need someone to change to make YOU feel better about them you might be up a creek without a paddle. If you witness them wanting to change THEMSELVES with the outcome clearly pointed towards mainly benefiting THEM, you could be in a potentially positive situation - if not just tangentially ( is that the word?) YOu will benefit because they will be happier. Happiness spreads kind of. Does that make sense?
I have learned though that behavior like I witnessed this weekend is indicative of stuff that DOES NOT CHANGE. That is too ingrained. Too deep rooted. The showing of true colors variety.
I got broken up with once because I had to cancel a date because I found an old woman wandering with a walker in our neighborhood and had to find out where she came from. I had canceled one other time within the six month relationship because my Dad had called me horribly upset about something and I needed to be with him - his house had been broken into. The guy told me I didnt know how to let the appropriate people step in and take care of things - i.e social services and the police I guess. I was happy he broke up with me that day in some ways because I knew that we were then fundamentally different. A few months ago, when I was headed in our car to a very important performance of mine we saw an older woman with her emergency flashers on trapped in the middle of the road and cars honking at her dodging her - very scary looking situation. I hadnt had a chance to say a word and bf pulled over and looked at me and said "can we see if we can help her? when do you need to be there?" We called AAA and in the end because they werent there in time for us to leave, bf GAVE her his IPHONE on loan so she had a phone and our address so she could return it after the crisis was over. I arrived a bit late for my concert and honestly believe I played even better that night because I had been true to myself and seen yet again why bf and I are so well suited for each other. Not everyone is the same but on fundamental stuff, it is really great to agree I think.
Still we have stuff we are each individually working through and we are well aware of each others stuff.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 11:39am
I cant remember what ITA means. lol
I think the adaptability thing and open mindedness can improve over time if there are just fear issues from childhood or a past experience blocking them. THEY have to realize it though and know all by themselves how much they would benefit from growth in those areas. I dont think it can come from someone else.
I am trying so hard to get DS to get some of the behavioral stuff in line NOW and am hoping someone will be so grateful in years to come. Seat down darnit!!!
I also think maybe the stuff that cannot be changed might be linked to how someone relates to others. Like the children and old people thing. Many times we see someone's true colors around children or old people. Lets face it - they are challenging!
Maybe the easiest things that you can expect change on are the things that would truly benefit the person directly after the fact. Treating other people correctly like kids or the elderly doesnt give you an immediate kick back really the way changes in money management, partner selection, and openmindedness can. Quicker rewards come from those. Of course we all should know WHY we should treat people correctly and how society would benefit as a whole if we did but it just lies in a different category in my head. That is about ethics and morality I think....
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 11:42am

Well if she felt safer breaking up over email then dang, then she absolutely should NOT be in relationship with him.

Pages