I don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
I don't know what to do
5
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:30pm

here is the deal i have been a part time dad for the first 3 years of my sons life. this last year i got engaged with my girl who has to move to LA to care for her sick parents. during the last year i have had my son 50% of the time sometimes more if i could. with the help of my soon to be wife the last year i was able to have him 50% of the time. Due to the sickness of her parents both of them she has to live in LA in which i was going to go with her and just fly every other week to see my son and have him during the summer months until her parents got better or passed away. Suddenly without my sons mother knowing what was going on on my end she tells me she doesn't want to be a mother anymore and is more considering with her going threw school, working and her boyfriend. She over the last year from my last talk she has been not into her son. She now claims he is better with me and likes me more. I have gone over most of my legal options. I only want my son during the weekdays or more since he will be starting school soon. Now the girl i have dreamed of for years has to go to LA. what the hell do i do??? It;s either my son or my soon to be wife???!?!??!

My son is being neglected by his mother and i feel so bad for him at the same time im going to marry this girl and don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. she said that if i have to stay in the bay area with my son since her mother doesn't want to be a parent anymore she feels like she will most likely leave me and will be hurt by not seeing me. I also need her help to parent my child as its my parents responsibility's to care for my child.

My sons mother claims if i don't take him full time then her mother is just going to raise him. what do i do?????

If i take him with me to LA then he will leave everything he knows.. he is highly attach to his mothers mother. HIs mother also want to see him every other week or every week. Going from the bay area to LA would be a 6 hour drive and when he starts sports on the weekends he can't miss those activity's.

My sons mother also refuses to go to court so I can establish custody she only wants to do it as a notary and with changes year to year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:40pm

Wow - you do have a dilemma on your hands. Somehow your story sounds familiar - like you have posted here before but now have more details?

The person whom I feel the most sympathy for is your son - he is so little and it seems that he is sort of on the wayside. It is so sad that his mom is not that into him - I cannot imagine putting anything in my life before my son or being not that into him.

I think you should take some time to see how everything shakes out over the next few months.

Your son is going to need all the help he can get in his young life and as he ages. He needs someone to hear his stories after school, someone to help him find what he is good at - cheer for him if he plays any kind of games, and someone to help him with hard homework and tests. He is totally helpless in this world. I always believe that the parents are the first choice for this.

Right now where you are, you have a whole support system in place with his mom, his grandparents, you, your job, etc. Perhaps your parents, too?

How long have you known your fiance? Do you think she will be that into your son once you are married? Because it doesn't seem that she is willing to work with you or give you any regard by saying she will break up with you if you don't move and especially if you are willing to travel back and forth to see what happens over time with her parents. That seems like a very selfish ultimatum. And how do you know you can find a good paying job with what you do in LA?

This is a serious matter - I am sure the others will chime in. I think time will tell you what to do. If I was you I would stay put with my son and find another fiance - they are a renewable resource but children are not. But I am hoping that if you can take your time and try to work out something that is win win for all you can work it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:35pm

Yikes.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:46pm

Which to choose.... your son or your GF/Fiance'?


No question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:14am

I was very moved by your story, and I really feel for your son who is being rejected by his mother.

Am I right in thinking your son is three years old? If this is the case, I believe he would adapt quickly to a new lifestyle. It is sad that he would have to leave his grandparents because he is attached to them, but, sad as it may seem, I am sure that he would take this separation in his stride.

If you stay and your fiancée leaves, you will be very upset, and your son will feel this. I believe that one of the most important things for a child is to have a happy parent or parents. Your fiancée probably feels really torn as well, but naturally has a duty to her sick parents. This shows she is a caring person.

Cutting to the chase, I would say go to LA and start again there. Your son's mother has expressed her lack of interest in him. She has told you point blank that she is not prepared to raise him, so if she wants to see him, then SHE must make the effort to take that 6-hour drive. It can be done. My exh drives five hours every other weekend to see our kids. If she wants to do it, she will do it. Somehow, I doubt she will bother.

You don't get too many chances at happiness in life. This could be a great chance for all three of you to start a new life and be happy together.

Good luck!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:42am

This happened to my nephew. His mom called his dad one day and said, you need to take him. He called my MIL and said, what do I do? I cant take care of him either. So, my MIL took him, having only ever seen him once as an infant (he was about 2 1/2 at this time). He adjusted really well. Grandma and him adored each other. His mother however would never turn over custody and about a year and a half later showed up and said she had a man now and was ready to be a mom again. It was very traumatic for grandma and grandson. My MIL could not afford to fight for custody and consultations said it would be tough with her being the grandma, not the other parent. Very sad. It seemed like she just wanted to parent on convenience.

All that being said. I agree there should be no reason why you couldnt move him with you if that is an option with your fiance also. I moved my kids to Germany and put them in a german school. They had to learn a new culture and a new language, and they did absolutely wonderfully. They have really enjoyed our time over here. Children, especially young ones are very resilient in an emotionally healthy environment ie,they feel loved, wanted and secure. What they would be scarred by for years is the feeling of abandonment. Please dont do that to him. It shows that you care for him deeply by how much time you spend with him already.

I have also learned that you MUST have custody. There are so many things you will have difficulty with if you dont have it. THe biggest being that you can not enroll him in school without this. I just had to do this with my children, it has to do with the Missing and Exploited Childrens Act. You may also run into insurance issues.

It is better all around if you have a good lawyer to advise you and to keep a record of everything, incase she changes her mind in the future and you need to fight for him. He is wonderful and deserves all the stability and happiness that you can bring to his life. I am sure he is very attached to his grandma, as he should be, but he is also attached to YOU and that is the relationship, or loss of, that will affect him the most deeply (besides his mother).