I don't know where else to turn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
I don't know where else to turn.
10
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:57pm

I posted here a few weeks about about my dilemma whether I was dating this guy or not. Lo and behold, after a conversation I realized we were...but then this weekend happened.
I tried posting this all earlier, but was too scared to do so. Why? I don't know. This is the best, most well rounded group of individuals. So here's attempt 2.

So brief history, I met this guy through an OLD site...we hit it off right away over the phone...which means that when we met, I just wouldn't be attracted to him. I was. We started dating. Everything is unicorns and rainbows until yesterday.

Yesterday he tells me he's moving. 3 hours away. he tells me "I know you won't be happy with this, but I have to do it. The commute is killing me." I understand this completely. He's driving 3 hours to work one way. Sure it's only every four days, but still I understand. We plan on meeting Tuesday like we always do.

I cry. Sad to see him go...then I check his profile on the OLD site we met off of. He's already changed his city to the new city. He hasn't even sold his place or officially bought the new one. And while I understand we're not in the exclusive phase, it still hurt to know that he's changed his city, ready to move on.

I'm livid. I call him up, get vm and tell him to call back. He does. I tell him no go with Tuesday. I tell him we view this situation we're in differently. he asks how. I then break down into tears. he tells me exactly what I wanted to say. "that I can see this progressing to something serious, and he's moving, so I need to get out before I get hurt." He says he has no roots here. he's disappointed. he asks if I'm sad or mad. I tell him very, very sad. He apologizes for making me sad. He states if I change my mind, let him know. I tell him how can I change my mind. He doesn't know, but thinks it is for the best. He asks if we can be friends. I say sure...knowing that'll never happen. He says he'll leave it in my court to call if I want to hang out as friends. then that's it.

I regain composure and send him a text messages telling him "Many things should have been said prior to this point. I am saddened that this couldn't work out. I am saddened that I won't have that happy giddy feeling whenever you call or we get together. I am saddened that you can't see me like I see you. I wish you the best of luck."

Today I get one back stating,
"Yes I am sorry too for many of the same reasons but do not despair. I think we have a good friendship ahead of us if you like."

At this point, I had been bawling at work all day, and I left work. I send one back stating
"don't despair? I don't know. How can something thats for the best hurt so much?"

I haven't heard back.

This is killer because I don't let anyone past my walls. I let him in. He knows how difficult it has been for me to open up to anyone...and the ease I've had with him.

The thing is, I can deal with the moving. It's just freaking 3 hours...but the already changing the city thing. Am I being irrational?

Im so heartbroken. Not that I loved him, or was even entertaining the idea of love, but I ache because I let him into me...into how I feel.

I'm feeling a bit stupid right now...and a little eager to build those walls a bit higher.

Anything to not feel this pain, yet again.

sorry for the long winded post. I really can't turn to anyone over the phone or in person because I just break down and cry.

thanks for reading

Shan

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:03am

{HUGS} for your pain Shan.

I would like to share my experience and perspective. In this sharing, I am not invaliding your pain, your own hurt past and experience, and who you are. I am offering another way of viewing your pain by relating my experience.

I met this woman from OLD site and loved who she is, what she looked like, and where she is at in her life. Upfront she told me that she is in a different place in her life where having a serious, committed relationship was NOT what she wanted. I thought I could be OK with that but I found myself wanting her more than what she wanted. Because of that she ended it abruptly but with honesty and integrity.

I really felt a physical ache in my chest/heart. Even though I hated that feeling I felt it was a gift for I cared enough to have my heart open enough to feel the hurt. I thought I was dead in that area. I thought I was too cynical and closed off to feel that way. I thought I was too old to have such desires.

Even though it was sucky and hard, I appreciated that I got the opportunity to FEEL my heart and know that I will be even "better" for the next woman for I have that depth that enables me to love and really feel.

I know that you are not me and this may not apply but I'd thought I'd share just in case.

Take care,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:47am

Mark,

Thank you for that.
I guess that is something that I didn't think about myself.
it's true though

Thanks for sharing...and helping me see that point at least.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 9:36am

Hi SHAN! I'm soooo sorry you have to be going through this. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've felt it SEVERAL TIMES. And you might think SEVERAL?? But their is a positive side to that.

I've been through some of the worst relationships EVER. For different reasons. Maybe not physical abuse, but definitely LOADS of mental abuse. The point is, my Mom married my father, had maybe 3 dates and 2 long term relationships thereafter, but she GAVE UP a long time ago, because she just couldn't break down the walls. She now lives alone and negative, because she never allowed herself to love anyone after my father. This was 30 years ago! And she relives it, as if it all happened yesterday.

I have been in some really awful relationships. After a certain amount of time, I trusted and let my walls down, only to be TERRIBLY hurt and disappointed. But! Every time that I get hurt, I cry, I feel angry, it's because I still "FEEL". I still have feelings; those haven't died. And I know that as long as I have those feelings, I can move on and continue to find the right person for me. I still care. I still want what my mom allowed herself to give up on a long time ago.

If you go through the last 2 weeks of my threads, you will see the stuff that I went through again in my last relationship. It HURT terribly and even though I act like it didn't, it still does. However, I welcome it and I embrace it and I allow it to be. I will heal and I will be happy with the right person one day, but I refuse to allow myself to give up. I know you are going through a terrible time, but think about the things you are looking for and what he wasn't. Like: Living much closer and no plans to move, is a start! :)

Big hugs to you. Please keep posting as much as you want and let us know how you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 1:11pm

Acks - I know your pain all too well, Sarah. What a blow when you do like someone and feel that connection. But you are right - 3 hours is far. He has to do what he has to do and you do too. I think you handled it well. I am sorry you are sad. But you will get better. Dating is such a pain - it is a constant battle of trying on shoes to see if they fit and if they like us and if the situation works. But there is one that will fit - you just have to persevere.

For now I think you should stop contact and just take good care of yourself and keep yourself busy. Then you will be ready to dip a toe again.

Dating requires work and perseverence. And being true to yourself. It does take a risk. It does cause pain. But in the end when you have a match and SO that is good it is all worth it - and it only takes one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 9:44am

Oh Sweetie- I dont know how long you dated, but i am thinking maybe its a few weeks? NO ONE can "know" someone in that time. Its ok you let him in, it happens. If you dont play, you cant win, right? BUT, it is NOT a good sign that he already changed the Match stuff, AT ALL. That just proves outright that he is looking ahead to his "new life" & getting ready to date there. That is obviously not ok to you. 3 hrs isnt EASY, but yes, its do=able for the right person. BUT, no one woudl know that after such a short time.

I would hang back & cut all contact. Obviously for you, being just friends isnt an option. Take this as a lesson learned - if that. Its ok. There ARE other fish in the sea! xo

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 8:24pm

You're right!!! Completely.

Lesson learned. I love learning a little bit more about myself every day. I realized that my emotions are broken completely!

Emotions aren't always good...Feeling is so much better than not.

It's glorious.

Yeah, the hurt sucks, but that means I have the capacity to feel the great as well.

With that being said...I made a decision without consulting with this board first. Yeah, yeah...I know I make my own...but if I would have read these prior...I might not have did what I did.

I called and apologized for Sunday night. (horrible move, I know) He pressed me to speak my mind. He completely understood why I did what I did. He asked if I changed my mind and I said that I regretted my decision.

He told me,
"Lucky for you, I don't scare away easily" We chatted a bit and planned to get together last night.

One of my huge issues is opening up...to anyone. I started that last night with him. Why? I know he's moving. I'm considering it practice. I like him.

I know that I will end up hurt...but is it worth the risk?
At this point, yes. I'm practicing opening up. Will I continue my life as normal? Will I still date other? yes and yes. All my eggs will not be in one basket.

Will this backfire? I sure hope not.




Edited 7/11/2007 8:35 pm ET by sb4626
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:34am

On of the toughest relationships to mourn is the one That Might Have Been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 7:31pm

Thank you! Thank you all!!!

If you've read my previous response during this thread, you'll see that we "made up"

With all those emotions packed away, I had time to evaluate the situation. during our most recent outing, we made plans to do things together months in advcance. At that time, it made me think that this just might work.

Away from him, away from the emotions, I've realized that it probably isn't going to. Today he called, since I decided against contact yesterday. He took time off of work and wanted to hang out. He said he was hanging out with friends tonight and then going out of town tomorrow. I told him I had plans. Going to see a concert with friends tomorrow night. Told him about the awesome ticket prices. 4 tickets for $90.00. He wanted to come with if I didn't have all the tickets accounted for. I told him

"Oh I'm sorry, but I didn't buy the tickets. Someone else did. And I thought you were going to Austin?"

He said, "I'd change plans to go."

I said, "I'm sorry."

You wouldn't be getting a free ticket out of me, sucker!

So he tells me that he'll call me after work to coordinate plans for tonight. I've been out of work for 1 1/2 hours. I dread that call. If he does, I shall tell him that at 5pm, I could have had a babysitter...not so much now.

Sure, I still like him. Probably more than I should. But I like myself more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:36pm

Sure, I still like him. ... But I like myself more.


Woohoo!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 9:50am
Keep him as a friend and nothing more. He could be a fun diversion when he pops back into town, but I would advise against the long distance thing. There's plenty of guys in your own neck of the woods that you can date and have more quality time with. Guys call long distance relationships "long distance bootie call" and can justify the weekend of sex and leaving because of the distance. Don't fall for it.