I don't mind you comin' here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
I don't mind you comin' here
22
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 8:21am

and wastin' all my time. 'Cause when you're standin' oh so near, I kinda lose my mind. It's not the perfume that you wear. It's not the ribbons in your hair. I don't mind you comin here, and wastin all my time. I guess you're just what I needed, I needed someone to feed. I guess you're just what I needed, I needed someone to bleed.

My date with Boss last night started with a change in plans and ended with a discussion.

In the late afternoon, it started snowing hard. We got about 4 inches in less than 3 hours. I do not drive well in the snow, so I was late coming home. I took the kids to the sitter's (just happened to be my friend who is also Boss' friend- I'm going to call her Brown-Eyed-Girl) and then came home. Boss had called when I was just leaving work to tell me the roads were crappy out our way, and to be careful.

I called him when I got home, and he said he'd be on his way to pick me up. However, by the time he got here, it had snowed even more with no signs of stopping, and I really didn't want to go out in the crap- even if he was going to be the one driving. We discussed hanging out with Brown-Eyed-Girl and her husband (her house is around the corner from mine), or just running to a nearby town for dinner, but in the end, we stayed here and watched a movie.

During the movie, there was some conversation, but it was light and getting-to-know you stuff. After the movie there was some kissing and making out on my couch. Then we had the discussion.

He initiated it, and basically, it was a "what do you want from dating" kind of talk. We both agreed that we don't know each other well enough yet to officially be in a relationship. We also agreed that we wanted to get to know each other better. Neither of us is looking for fun for fun's sake, or a fling, or to date indefinitely. He told me he's cautiously optimistic. I'm trying very hard to be cautious.

He is EXACTLY the type of guy I'd want in my life long term. So far. That scares the crap outta me. I know we've only actually seen each other twice, but that combined with the phone, email, and im conversations (and the fact that he's Brown-Eyed-Girl's friend) makes me feel as if we know each other much better than we would if we hadn't met through OLD.

Normally, going slow isn't too much of a problem for me, since even when I think I'm into a guy, I am second-guessing everything, and making myself crazy. With Boss, it just feels so natural. So, I'm torn between reaching for the e-brake lever and flooring the accelerator, since I can see myself careening wildly out of control with Boss yet it feels right and good. It's the good kind of scary, like a roller coaster that starts out wildly yet you know ends with a peaceful ride through a lake.

Wanting more isn't something I have felt about an actual person. I've wanted more in my life. I've wanted to be in a relationship. But wanting to be in a relationship and thinking I want to be in a relationship with someone specific are two different things. I have been reminding myself that we really don't know each other well. And that it takes time to get to know someone. And that either being completely aloof or jumping in headfirst has always been my pattern, and my downfall.

The fact is, he's doing everything right to make me want to be in a relationship- but lots of guys do at the earliest stages. The difference is that he's someone I'm completely compatible with so far. Most guys and I have a few fairly major differences at the beginning, which makes it natural for me to take things slowly, and then things peter out rather quickly.

I'm taking my kids skiing today with brown-Eyed-Girl, and Boss is supposed to come. I'm almost hoping he doesn't, simply because I don't know if seeing him again (this will be three days in a row) is good for my emotions. It's much too soon for me to be so emotionally involved with him. My head knows this, but my gut and my heart and screaming "take a chance" and "this time you will be pleasantly surprised". My head is calmly telling me to take it easy, enjoy it and him for what it is, but my head is barely being heard over my heart.

Thing is, my heart is the area I need to protect, not my head.

Thanks everyone, for letting me rant and vent and ramble. Your thoughts and comments are welcome, as always.

Moody, searching for her shield


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:22pm

Ah, moody, I have been where you are. I did not have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean that you will not. I have experienced all the same emotions that you are going through right now. It's maddening and exquisite all that the same time, isn't it?

Here's what I would say to you. The head deals in logic, the heart does not. If love and romance were logical things, none of us would do it because we put our hearts at risk. You heart, hormones, or whatever else are going to be screaming at you, but try to stick with your head as much as you can because that is wisdom forged out of experience and widsom is a God-given gift that we can act upon so that we are not hurt.

What you said about either being completely aloof or jumping in headfirst resonates so much with me. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. When you find that balanced area in between, please let me know! Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:27pm

I love everything you write and find myself reading fast to get to the end and then reading again because I love the story.

Your line, "I'm trying very hard to be cautious." made me crack up laughing - you are funny.

I am curious as to what you see as compatibility - not to drill you in anyway - but for curiosity sake - to see what other people check for.

I think you made a good decision to stay out of the storm and it is encouraging you had a straight up talk so soon. And better still that you stayed out of real trouble!

Glad to hear you are having fun!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 2:34pm

Don't Panic!
Really, I found if I just took a deep breath, reminded myself I have plenty of time, no need to rush things, I did take things more slowly. With M I felt so comfortable, and had all the silly butterflies and giddy chemistry thing going. We did jump into the physically intimate side rather quickly, yet, I managed to keep my heart in check for a good 5 months. I just kept reminding myself I do have other options, M isn't the only guy in the world and I there is no biological clock ticking anymore so really, what's the rush?

He has always called me or e-mailed daily, in 7 months I think there have been 2 days I haven't heard from him. It is a good thing Boss shows you he is into you. If a guy is not actively pursuing you from the beginning, I don't think that will change. Fine if one likes a lot of personal space, but not for someone like me who needs regular contact to feel any kind of security in the relationship. If the guy can't be bothered to pick up the phone a few times a week I can't be bothered with wondering why not.

Don't worry too much about introducing the kids so soon. You can always back it off a bit. It is difficult to work in time for a relationship if one religiously confines one's personal life to time w/out kids. Especially if you don't have a 50/50 split w/ the X. Even though M & I have been exclusive for 7 months and have introduced our kids, even spent a weekend in Mexico w/ them, we do still keep contact with one another's children to a minimum and try to keep our time together limited to when we don't have our kids. We're lucky that our custody schedules match up most of the time. But sometimes we have to overlap time with the kids in order to spend any time with one another. My kids are fine with M. Even S18 who was initially uncomfortable with the whole concept of mom having a boyfriend, has mellowed out. M's D11 is still a bit of a problem, but slowly she's accepting that dad has moved on. So it is good that your kids were OK from the start. Anyway, that's my non-expert two cents on your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 4:30pm
This is absolutely GREAT what you write, Queenbun!! I want a guy just like M - that does keep in contact daily - I am the type that needs that too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:35pm

For me, compatibility is simple on paper. Let me describe my perfect mate- the one who would be compatible with me.

He's rugged. I'm talking the fix-your-car, mow the grass, job doing something physical, doesn't take anybody's crap kind of guy.
He's country. I COULD NOT date a metrosexual. Jeans and flannel and holey t-shirts and work boots kind of turn me on. I also could never live in a city, or even a large town, so a guy who prefers the country is right up my alley.
He's funny. I'm sarcastic and dry and I think often witty, and I need a guy who can appreciate the joke even if there isn't an obvious punch line.
He's big. I'm not talking about Paul Bunyan huge, but I'm tall and have wide shoulders and long arms and legs. A guy who is bigger than me makes me feel feminine and cared for.
He's down to earth. Earthy, even. A guy who doesn't know a carbuerator from a piston isn't my kind of guy. A guy who's skilled at dating games and just a little too smooth weirds me out. I want a guy who is honest and blunt and up front about things.
He's kid-pet-little old lady- friendly. I don't want any more kids, so if he does, we're doomed, but I do want him to be the guy all little kids gravitate to. The guy who respects himself, his elders, and is kind to animals simply for the sake of it. (Although he also would hunt and fish, but not for mere sport or trophies. It's a way of life where I come from- and involves lots of respect.)
He has a good heart. Whether he's busy volunteering as a firefighter or coaching a little league team, he appreciates what he has and the fact that it takes people willing to help out in order to make this a sane place to live.
He's quietly artistic. He doesn't have to be a rockstar, or Picasso, but I adore music, and can get into just about any kind. I play the sax, violin, and some piano simply for the sheer joy of it. I am not good at creating other kinds of art, but I do have an appreciation for them. My guy will too, or at least not grumble too much when I haul him off to an opening.
He's simple. My perfect guy will know how to fend for himself, but be touched and flattered when a woman does something nice but small for him. He will in turn make many overtures to do something simple and nice for me. A good example of this would be if i cook for him (not likely, in all honesty), he'll clean up, just because.
He's well-mannered. I want a man for whom "please" and "thank you" aren't merely catchphrases- he uses them and uses them often. I feel I am very good about saying thank you, even for the smallest things. Asking for help does not come easily to me, so for a man to be asked, he's obviously someone I trust. Relying on anyone for anything scares the jeebies out of me.
Of course, there are a million other things that I simply can't explain. It's just the way he IS. I think I gravitate more toward down-home, good ole country men simply because that's where I grew up and where I learned to trust men.
Oddly enough, I haven't ever dated anyone who fits this description. My ex-husband certainly didn't, and all of my long term relationships were with men who in more than one way didn't fit my ideal of a perfect match for me.

After reading my list, I realize I've accurately described my father, my brother, and all of the other men in my family that I trust and love. It's also a pretty clear picture of Boss, from what I can see so far.

Moody, who likes 'em rough and ready


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:41pm

Queen, I am loving your non-expert analysis of my life.

I think a big part of why my kids are so easy about things is the way he approached them, the fact that I have lots of male friends who are simply that, and the simple fact that as far as they can remember, I've always been a single mother who dated.

Date isn't a dirty word in our family. Skiing today was a date with them, and our good friends. We go on dates together, I go on dates with my friends, and I go on dates with men. It simply is. I don't offer too much information to them, and I don't ask for their opinion.

I also make sure if I am going out without them they are having a blast with whomever. Brown-Eyed-Girl's house is just about their favorite place to be, so when I have a date and her son babysits, it's a treat for both of us. Grandma's house is another wonderful treat for them- and bonus for me, if my mother watches them, they always spend the night.

Moody, calmer now


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 8:47pm

That is quite good. You described my former crush to the t. And my dad, too.

I am so glad I asked you that question!! Very good read - good ideas - good writing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:07pm

I think my eldest's concerns were more from his teen angst in general, just uncomfortable with knowing Mom has more dates than he has!LOL! After meeting M a few times he realized he wouldn't be losing me to this guy and this guy wouldn't expect him to be his psuedo son. Now, both of my sons seem to be paying attention to M's behavior in that he's giving them a better model of guy dating behavior, in other words how to make the girl's they'd like to date happy.

And I do still try to spend time with each of my kids and continue our family traditions (ski vacations are one). Their dad just dragged his OW into their lives and expected everyone to accept her like she was my replacement. That went over like a stink bomb. She and her kids are included in everything. I think my boys feared the same would happen when I started dating.

M is more the rugged type. He's a big guy, well, compared to me at least, 5'4" and size 4, he's 6'1" and over 200#. I love that M still has guy time, coaches his D11's soccer team, eats whatever he likes, dresses up only when absolutely necessary, yet is polite and cleans up very nicely. My X is the epitome of high maintenance and seems rather wimpy now. M has his issues and insecurities, as do I, we stumble onto these things now and then. But instead of getting irate or resentful, we TALK about it.

So spill the ski details, I've got to live vicariously til the end of the month. Powder, packed powder, ice, or slush? How did the kids like skiing? Did you put them in lessons or brave the parent teaching her own kids quagmire?

QB, who put boards on her boy's feet at age 4 and is looking forward to going through it all again with DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 11:47pm

Ah, skiing! Packed powder on the kids' slopes, fresh and loose powder on mine. I actually only went a couple of times- it was almost as much fun watching the kids, and I ended up going on the little hills with them a few times.

I put them both in lessons. I am A) not good enough yet to adequately teach them, and B) definitely not patient enough.

The butterfly went to Pee-Wee lessons, and how stinkin' adorable were those kids?! She was in a group with 3 other kids, two girls and a boy. They were all 5, and all first-timers. When I went to pick her up, she was "pizza-pieing" down the Magic Carpet Ride. Very cute. the instructor said she was a natural, and very helpful with the other kids. She also looks super cute in head-to-toe pink snow gear. Too bad they didn't have pink boots! After her lesson, I took her down the Boardwalk (still a conveyor belt but a slightly larger hill). The child is fearless on skis. She wanted to go down the bunny slope, but I wasn't into teaching her how to manage the lift just yet, and the line was horrendous.

Droid had a group lesson with all adults. He did well for 8, and went down the boardwalk several times before progressing to the bunny slope. I caught up with him just as his group was learning to operate the lift, and since they had an odd number, the instructor let me ride up with him. I'm glad I did, as Droid didn't realize how high up it was. He did really well, and I left him at the top of the hill with the group, since he was more into showing off for me than listening to the instructor.

Both kids absolutely LOVED it, although Droid says he wants to try snowboarding next time. I really won't be able to help him then, but Brown Eyed Girl's son snowboards in ski club, so maybe we'll all get together and do it again soon. I had to drag both kids inside, and then home when it was time. They had such a blast- it was a lot of fun for all of us.

I'm planning to get them both season passes next year- definitely Droid, and the butterfly will still get a free lift ticket next year, so maybe I'll just invest in skis and boots for her. Good plan they have, letting the little ones ride free, since then they're hooked and end up with a pass every year.

Trouble now is, I'm going to feel so guilty going without the kids when I do, since I know they both love it so much. I'm sure I'll get over it, though, since alone time and skiing for me are things I'm not yet willing to give up. I will end up taking them more this winter than I had planned- especially the butterfly. I was fairly sure Droid would like it, but I didn't know just how much the butterfly would. She's such a little peanut, and had no trouble going it alone. She was confident, and I was worrried that she'd be scared on the Boardwalk, but she did better on it than Droid his first time.

I was also worried that Droid would get frustrated, but he hung in there, and really had a ball. I will definitely be getting him boots and skis (or a board, we'll see) for next year, as he'll probably be good enough to start going it alone by the end of this year.

The little kids do so well- I really can't say enough for the resort. It's fairly small by skiing standards, but EVERYONE I've dealt with in any capacity has been so helpful, nice, willing to offer valuable advice. it's really amazing that from the swap sale where I got my gear, to the cafe, to the lift operators, to the instructors- I have had zero complaints about the customer service there. Too bad it isn't like that everywhere!

Moody, who gets a good mommy award today


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 9:15am

Congratulations, Moody
Sounds like you are having a lot of good times wwith a wonderful guy. It feels so good to be in a similar situation myself.

I think I am going to write down some of the good stuff in a journal so that I can remember it on days when I an use a boost!

Keep us posted and enjoy. :)

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