I don't mind you comin' here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
I don't mind you comin' here
22
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 8:21am

and wastin' all my time. 'Cause when you're standin' oh so near, I kinda lose my mind. It's not the perfume that you wear. It's not the ribbons in your hair. I don't mind you comin here, and wastin all my time. I guess you're just what I needed, I needed someone to feed. I guess you're just what I needed, I needed someone to bleed.

My date with Boss last night started with a change in plans and ended with a discussion.

In the late afternoon, it started snowing hard. We got about 4 inches in less than 3 hours. I do not drive well in the snow, so I was late coming home. I took the kids to the sitter's (just happened to be my friend who is also Boss' friend- I'm going to call her Brown-Eyed-Girl) and then came home. Boss had called when I was just leaving work to tell me the roads were crappy out our way, and to be careful.

I called him when I got home, and he said he'd be on his way to pick me up. However, by the time he got here, it had snowed even more with no signs of stopping, and I really didn't want to go out in the crap- even if he was going to be the one driving. We discussed hanging out with Brown-Eyed-Girl and her husband (her house is around the corner from mine), or just running to a nearby town for dinner, but in the end, we stayed here and watched a movie.

During the movie, there was some conversation, but it was light and getting-to-know you stuff. After the movie there was some kissing and making out on my couch. Then we had the discussion.

He initiated it, and basically, it was a "what do you want from dating" kind of talk. We both agreed that we don't know each other well enough yet to officially be in a relationship. We also agreed that we wanted to get to know each other better. Neither of us is looking for fun for fun's sake, or a fling, or to date indefinitely. He told me he's cautiously optimistic. I'm trying very hard to be cautious.

He is EXACTLY the type of guy I'd want in my life long term. So far. That scares the crap outta me. I know we've only actually seen each other twice, but that combined with the phone, email, and im conversations (and the fact that he's Brown-Eyed-Girl's friend) makes me feel as if we know each other much better than we would if we hadn't met through OLD.

Normally, going slow isn't too much of a problem for me, since even when I think I'm into a guy, I am second-guessing everything, and making myself crazy. With Boss, it just feels so natural. So, I'm torn between reaching for the e-brake lever and flooring the accelerator, since I can see myself careening wildly out of control with Boss yet it feels right and good. It's the good kind of scary, like a roller coaster that starts out wildly yet you know ends with a peaceful ride through a lake.

Wanting more isn't something I have felt about an actual person. I've wanted more in my life. I've wanted to be in a relationship. But wanting to be in a relationship and thinking I want to be in a relationship with someone specific are two different things. I have been reminding myself that we really don't know each other well. And that it takes time to get to know someone. And that either being completely aloof or jumping in headfirst has always been my pattern, and my downfall.

The fact is, he's doing everything right to make me want to be in a relationship- but lots of guys do at the earliest stages. The difference is that he's someone I'm completely compatible with so far. Most guys and I have a few fairly major differences at the beginning, which makes it natural for me to take things slowly, and then things peter out rather quickly.

I'm taking my kids skiing today with brown-Eyed-Girl, and Boss is supposed to come. I'm almost hoping he doesn't, simply because I don't know if seeing him again (this will be three days in a row) is good for my emotions. It's much too soon for me to be so emotionally involved with him. My head knows this, but my gut and my heart and screaming "take a chance" and "this time you will be pleasantly surprised". My head is calmly telling me to take it easy, enjoy it and him for what it is, but my head is barely being heard over my heart.

Thing is, my heart is the area I need to protect, not my head.

Thanks everyone, for letting me rant and vent and ramble. Your thoughts and comments are welcome, as always.

Moody, searching for her shield


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Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:57pm

Love it Moody, brings back memories. They didn't have the conveyor belt technology when my boys were learning they just had to learn to herringbone hike up the hill, master the tow rope then quickly on to the lift. DD went skiing just for an hour private lesson during our trip in early Jan. She loved the boots (future Imelda Marcos wanna be), was miffed that they didn't have any Sponge Bob skis left in her size, and said it was too hard. We'll try again next winter when she's nearly 4 and able to do the group lesson. It was so fun watching her, her big brothers actually took time to join me watching from a distance.
Yes, your son will master either skiing or boarding within 2 seasons, you won't be able to keep up. I wouldn't let him go alone until he's at least 12 though. Too easy to get hurt, and young males are way over confident, get into terrain they shouldn't be on. Heck, my usually uber responsible S18 went up right when the lifts opened, hiked to some expert terrain that isn't accessible except by hiking and discovered he'd beaten ski patrol up there- just as they are closing it off for avalanche control. As he was explaining-KABOOM!! the avalanche canon goes off hitting the mountain just above him. Scared the s3!t out of him, but it made for a good story to tell his friends. My guys ski with radios (the 2-way, not for music) and cell phones and ALWAYS have helmets on.
Take lessons yourself. I started skiing when I was 16, spent 10 years skiing badly, then started taking a lesson every ski trip. Made a huge difference in my enjoyment of the sport. M is thrilled to have met someone who loves it as much as he does, and can ski well enough to be on the same parts of the mountain. He was a ski bum for a few years in Vermont so he skis very well, should ski with my boys, but he compromises and finds runs we both can manage. I took a moguls lesson last year, need a deep powder lesson to manage the massive amounts of powder in Utah. Although, like you, I do enjoy that absolute peace of skiing alone, through the trees, no one around. I'm the one who kept the family Xmas ski vacation tradition, the X's OW doesn't ski so he doesn't ski anymore!
What part of the country are you in? We're out west so no lack of different places to ski. Your kids will get bored with the local hill, my kids got bored with Telluride/Durango so now we're exploring Utah.
Enough off topic. So did Boss find you at the resort?

QB, who is jealous and pining because M took his girls skiing today on Mt. Lemmon, Tucson's ski hill.

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Registered: 02-01-2007
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 4:15pm

Queen, that's really interesting what you say about your X, in that he's really nothing like what you're attracted to now. My X was an English Major at a prestigious 4-year private college, graduated with honors, and left a $50K a year job because it wasn't "perfect". Because he has no motivation or ambition, he's making roughly half of that in a dead-end job. His new wife (whom he met 2 months into our separation) is an adjunct professor at a local community college, and if it were not for her salary, he'd have nothing. He didn't propose to her, she told him he was the one. There really is someone for everyone.

Well, maybe except for me. I've been trying OLD, but I seem to attract people that I have nothing in common with. Why, prolly because they are predators looking for sex. If they were serious about having a real, mature, adult relationship, they'd pick someone they have more in common with. I came from your garden-variety, Midwest farm, meat-and-potatoes upbringing, and when some guy is all "honey, baby, blah blah blah yada yada yada" the alarm bells go off immediately. I'm not impressed by smooth, but I do enjoy knocking these Cassanovas down a peg or two.

When the right guy comes along, I will probably be so unaware of it that he'll have to club me over the head and drag me back to the cave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:49pm

Queen, we're in Upstate New York. The odd thing is, we've lived within 10 miles of the resort my entire life, yet this winter is my first skiing. There are a couple of other resorts within an hour's drive, so I'm sure we'll be exploring once we're all more confident skiiers.

Another funny thing- I bought the pass to hopefully help me enjoy winter more, as typically I HATE it. This year, don't you know it's 60 in December, and we had NO snow until mid-January. I'm making up for lost time for sure.

I love the story of your son- it's exactly something I can see Droid trying in a couple of years. I won't leave him alone for a while, but it'll be nice if we're skiing at the same pace. There's only so much boardwalk and magic carpet ride I can take before I start feeling like the giant in the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.

In other news, Boss didn't make it skiing. I actually don't have cell service at the resort unless I'm on top of the hill, and I spent most of the day at the bottom watching the kids. I knew he'd be incommunicado today, as he had plans. I ended up going to a superbowl party, and turned my phone off while there. No messages, but also no worries. If he calls, great, but if not, I'm sure I'll somehow manage to survive.

Moody, ready to go back to work for some rest!


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Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:58pm

Starthrower, I doubt the right guy will have to club you over the head. I've been thinking that all the wrong guys are excellent practice- at least for learning to say "no", for weeding out what I really don't want, and for teaching me patience.

When we meet the right person, we're better than we were before going through all of this, since we're more able to appreciate what they bring to the table, and more confident about what we have to offer.

Being choosy isn't a bad thing, especially if it's a choice between a long time being single before finding the right one or a lot of bad relationships with the wrong ones. The women i can't understand are the ones who consistently choose to date men who are carbon copies of one another, and then wonder why they have no successful relationships. Dating has become to me like a machine, and lately I've been thinking "garbage in, garbage out". If I never grow as a person, I'll always be attracting the same men I'm not having any luck with. If I put more energy into me, and making myself more fulfilled and happy, I'll attract men who are fulfilled and happy.

Moody, who learned to weed out fairly quickly, if nothing else


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Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:11am

Totally agree that the dates that don't work out are great practice, Lord did I need it. I met the X at age 14 and never dated anyone else. So there I was, 45 years old, and had no clue how to even try to make myself noticed. So OLD was great for me, lots of practice with email then lots of one date with no hope for date #2 experiences. But I was totally OK with that and learned something about myself and men in general from each guy I met.

"If I put more energy into me, and making myself more fulfilled and happy, I'll attract men who are fulfilled and happy."
That is sure how it has worked out for me. And I deliberately made sure I dated guys who weren't "my type". If I hadn't, I'd never have given M a chance, and now I find he's totally my type and I totally appreciate that he's not at all like the X.

So, is it 7 Springs or further east in Upstate NY? I used to ski 7 Springs quite a bit when I lived in OH. Small world, M is from Syracuse, went to college at Oswego.

Keep your cool with Boss. Keep the attitude that it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out, you're more likely to be relaxed and be yourself, especially since he gets you all squirmy.

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Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 7:11am

It's actually Greek Peak, but we're also near Labrador and Song Mountain. Togganburg (sp?) is also not that far away.

You're right on about Boss, I haven't been overthinking as much as i normally would be. He does get me all squirmy, but he's also one of those people you just feel comfortable with. It'll work or it won't. Time will tell.

Moody, needing to take advatange of her proximity to SNOW


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Registered: 02-01-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 7:13am

Moody, you are spot on, and I agree wholeheartedly. What I find interesting, is that is seems after women have been through one marriage we generally tend to stay single much longer than the ex's. Perhaps it's because we care about not getting into another bad relationship or since we spent all of our energy on our ex's, we want to take care of ourselves for awhile. I know it's not that unusual for women to be single for several years before another serious relationship comes along.

I'm not desperate to find someone. I don't need someone and I know I'm a complete person on my own. I've spent holidays, birthdays, etc. alone and it hasn't killed me. I'm trying to remain patient and optimistic, but I've seen a lot of what's out there and that makes it difficult. But I'm trying!

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Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 7:38am
Sounds like you are a lot like me and in a great place. We just have to get out there and be patient.
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Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:28am

Ooooh aaaah I just loved hearing you say that he gets you all "squirmy"! That is sooo cute, and isn't that squirmy feeling so fabulous? I still get squirmy when I see/think of/get emails from Monkey, 18 months down the line!

Your weekend sounds like it lived up to those very high expectations you (and I!!) had of it. Boss sounds wonderful, and it was great that you could be so up-front already with him concerning expectations. I like that he said he was "cautiously optimistic". There's no doubt here that he is very into you.

YAY FOR MOODY! Enjoy!

Clem xx

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Registered: 02-01-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:30pm
Yah, it's cool...besides, this is moody's dicussion thread...good for you, moody! Maybe I'll have a case of the squirmmies (or was it squishies) again someday! Didn't mean to steal your thread.