I don't quite know how to say

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
I don't quite know how to say
15
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:35am

how I feel. Those three words are said too much and not enough. If I lie here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old show me a garden that's bursting into life...

I'm just loving this song right now, it isn't indicative at all of anything except that I WANT someone to feel that way about me....

So, Spec and I have been IM'ing during the day daily (though not for long, since I'm at work and he's getting ready to go), and he calls me nightly when he's on his lunch break (short conversations since he only gets a 1/2 hour for lunch). The plan was for him to come out Saturday night with me and a fairly large group of my friends. He was also going to be my DD, and we were planning for me to go back to his place, since it's closer.

Tonight when he called, though, he said that he's got to work overtime Saturday night. This means that he won't be able to come. I think I hid my disappointment fairly well, since he said "I got terrible news tonight. I have to work late on Saturday." I replied "Oh, well, ok. This means you won't be coming out?" In a light, non-threatening voice. Then we talked a little about other stuff, and I didn't make a big deal out of it.

I'm bummed, and a little nervous. See, my overactive mind has just kicked in, and now I'm imagining that he doesn't really have to work, but also doesn't want to see me. Obviously I need help. However, I guess even though I'm not bitter from all of the recent (and not-so recent) experiences with men, I'm also a littte wary.

I just feel like I should not be at all suprised if I never hear from him again. I won't be, in fact. Not bitter, exactly, but maybe resigned?

He did sound disappointed, and obviously he's the one calling me. But I can't help but wonder if he really has to work- maybe he's going on a date with someone else and doesn't want to tell me that- although it wouldn't be that big a deal to me. Maybe he's freaked out by my shoe collection and doesn't want to pursue anything else. Maybe he does have to work and I think too much.

On the plus side, though, I won't have to worry about ignoring either him or my friends while out on Saturday. I will also not have to worry about getting drunk and acting silly, since my friends have all seen me silly before and love me for it. I also decided to go closer to my house, so that's good, and we'll get a couple of rooms so no one has to drive.

I just find it incredibly ironic that *I'm* the one with kids who usually has a hard time making time for a date, yet I have an ENTIRE weekend without my children and he's the one without the time. The odds of me having a weekend free like this before this time next year are mighty mighty slim.

He'll be working Friday night while I have plans to go to dinner with my parents and brother, and then I'm going dancing with a friend. Saturday is skiing for me, then a pedicure and a massage then out dancing some more while he's working. Sunday I think I'm going to go skiing and out to breakfast and just enjoy myself until the kids come home.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud, well, on the screen here. I know it's too soon to be thinking too much, and I haven't been at all until tonight. I also know that HE told ME he didn't want to see other people, yet he's still logging in to Match and I've deactivated my account. Not that I can be mad about that, since I deactivated it because I wasn't meeting anyone I wanted to spend time with- everyone was too far aay or simply rotten matches, was sick of spending the money on it, and am just temporarily fed up with it- not at all about him. BUT, I didn't say to him that I only wanted to date him, he said that to me. And I didn't really have too much of a response, other than agreeing to see where it goes.

It can't go anywhere if we never have time to see each other. Working at opposite ends of the day wouldn't be too much of a hassle if we didn't live an hour from each other. I get that I'll have to make concessions, but I can't and won't give up every weekend and my me time and my kid time to be with someone- and even if I were willing, he's got things going on on weekends, too.

So, here's what I like about him and this situation: Smart, funny, nice, close to his family, good job, responsible, seems to be into me, there's been no pressure from him, he's into his own things too and won't expect me to drop everything, definite chemistry- and the mental kind, too, not just behind closed doors...

The things I'm not crazy about: he lives farther away from me than anyone else I've ever tried to date, our schedules will never match up except maybe on the occasional weekend, I don't want to be acting like an over-thinking, analytical girl, and I'm just not sure I can enter into any type of relationship with someone I can't see on a regular basis. The daily contact is fine, but I need to actually be able to do things with and SEE the person I'm dating. Maybe not every day, but on a really regular basis.

Obviously it's too soon for me to think about that with Spec specifically, but if our situation is the way it is now, it really isn't likely to change (neither of us is planning to change jobs or dwellings) any time soon. So, realistically, should i even bother with trying to get to know him better? Knowing that weekends are all we'll ever have for each other, and even then it won't be every weekend.

Knowing the type of relationship I'm looking for, is trying to figure out how to see Spec just a giant waste of time? Shouldn't I be devoting time to finding someone more near me with a more similar schedule to mine? If I just wanted sex or fun, Spec would be on the top of my list, since that could definitely be occasional. But since we both want more, is it fair to ourselves and each other to kid ourselves into thinking this could somehow work?

I'm probably just crabby and will not make any major decisions without a good night's sleep. But I am a little bummed about a couple of things, rightfully or wrongfully doesn't really matter, since they're my feelings. I'm definitely rambling, but it helps to simply get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading this, comments and opinions are welcome, as always!

Moody, feeling foul


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:09am

Well I'm proud of you for putting your own needs first. Thats the most important thing. It also makes it clear to him that you're not willing to blow off friends and family just for him which is a great precedent to set. Don't overanalyze (oh trust me I do it too) the match.com thing yet nor the fact that he has to work Saturday night. I too logged back on to match.com after I met someone only to tell the other people I had met that I was going to see where things went with that person. Not totally off topic but I've been reading this book about "loving without fear" and one of the thing it suggests is to act as if everyone is innocent in the begining and not to draw all of these conclusions in your head and find them at fault for something they haven't even done until you have proof. The reason being that we then build up feelings of resentment and hostility towards the person just because we've been thinking about what they might do to hurt us. The book put it much more eloquently but thats the gist. I've been trying to keep that in mind myself and I think it may have helped prevent a few arguments between me and my boyfriend so far.

Is there any chance his work hours will ever change? I'm not sure that you should write him off yet but the next time you are able to see eachother I would definately bring the distance/availability issue up. Its seems so hard to meet a guy that you just click with isn't it? Hang in there and keep us posted! Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:23am

I would feel exactly the same way as you and write all the same stuff as you - are you sure we are not sisters? ;-)

Anyway, all you can do now is wait and see. Maybe he met someone else - I don't like that he is still logging in to match.com.

I agree that I would want someone closer who works nearly the same hours and days. Easy is best.

BUT you never know - at this point you do have wonderful plans for the weekend - way more social than me and probably most here - so have a good time and don't sweat it - maybe there is a better one out there this weekend? Or maybe this one really is working and he will find a way to see you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:32am

Thank you so much. I definitely should read that book, since lately I've definitely been a "guilty until proven innocent" kind of person. This has helped me not get hurt, for sure, but it also sets the expectation that someone ill let me down, and I've found that people often do what's expected of them.

His work hours could change at some point, but it isn't really on the horizon. Meanwhile, mine are about to get worse in terms of free time, for the forseeable future.

As for putting my own needs first, it's something I sort of do without thinking now. I have gotten very used to doing what I want to do when I want to do it. That could also be part of the problem, since while I think I'm good at being inclusive, I may not be very good at doing something that isn't exactly what I had planned.

As far as blowing off friends and family, I wouldn't do that. These people truly love me, and I them. I wouldn't dream of cancelling pretty major plans with them for a guy. My girlfriends, all of whom are either married or in serious LTRs and I have this rule. Have you head men say "bros before hoes?" We have a thing- "chicks before *icks". Even though they're all attached and we all have children, we always make a point to make time for each other, on a very regular basis. That will never change.

Besides, who else besides you guys would ever put up with all of my ramblings about the various and sundried men in and out of my life?!

Moody, feeling rested and calmer


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:40am

Judy, I'm just going to roll with it for now. I like him, and would love to get to know him better, but I will not be closing the door on anything else.

If it turns out in a few more weeks that we simply aren't ever able to meet up, I think I'll move on, but for now, I'm just going to give it a chance. I think the combination of knowing he's logging into Match and then him telling me he had to work just sort of freaked me out. I have a hard time handling being lied to, but that doesn't mean I should automatically assume everyone's lying.

He probably does have to work, and honestly, I wouldn't care if he wanted to keep using Match, and dating other people, if he just said that- or nothing, instead of telling me he wasn't interested in others. I do know for me, I'm not currently dating anyone else, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility, and maybe that's what he was saying. Maybe he simply isn't as good at articulating as I am.

Either way, it doesn't really matter, since I know I'm going to have a fabulous, fun-filled weekend with or without him. Going without him Saturday night is actually going to be a good thing, since I won't have to worry about him meeting everyone all at once, and can do my thing without fear of ignoring either him or my friends.

I'm most excited about the pedicure and skiing... it's been too long!!

Moody, gearing up for a great weekend


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:43am

I LOVE all these sayings you write - the chicks one is great! Will remember that.

Me and my friends (babysitters in their 20s who are also dating) have a sign we use for guys. You make a "W" with your index, middle finger and ring fingers - it means "WHATEVER!"

This means that our lives do not revolve around a guy or take any more or less value because of a guy.

When the right one comes along you will not expect it or maybe even recognize it at first - but no matter what you do he will STICK to you like gum on a shoe - can't shake it and won't lose him no matter what you do.

Along the same lines of thinking I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 10:19am

It's such a loaded weekend--you don't have your kids, you're ready to celebrate, and he's not able to be there to share. It's really too bad, but your reaction was perfect. I learned a lot from a book that west suggested--Mars & Venus on a Date. (I'm sure you know this book...) Anyway, the stage after attraction (and, btw, before exclusivity) is uncertainty. Sounds as though you are in the thick of it (who knows if he is also). But, it's normal and appropriate to have these uncertain feelings and I would be careful about reacting to these feelings. Try just to sit w/them, keep busy, and keep pampering yourself.

As far as the match thing goes--it's complicated. I can understand how you don't like that he's still logging in and you have taken your profile off. I'm still on match, but Mr. 4:15 isn't. We've been seeing each other for 2 months (almost once/week). I still log in every time I receive a new wink or e-mail--some days more than others. But, I'm not searching anymore--there is a difference. I guess because I am still in the uncertain phase, and assume he is also, and unless I was exclusive w/him or someone I will keep checking out people who seem interested in me. So, I'm glad he's not on match anymore and he's probably checking to see if I am logging in. But, it doesn't mean that I don't like him, and may want to be exclusive w/him.

I think these talks happen as a natural progression of a relationship. You and spec had a pretty intense first week and it's hard to downshift (especially this weekend). Keep in mind, there will be future weekends w/o your kids--there will be time for you to work out the schedules. With the kind of chemistry you two had, I would not consider throwing in the towel yet. But, I know it is so hard to be patient!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:00am

Hi Moody,
I like that book, too. Mars and Venus on a Date. there's another one I like called A fine Romance. It is harder to get. The two combined have g otten me through some rough comfusing times!

That whole thing about OLD drives me crazy. I wish there was a check box that you could check that said "almost taken" or "dating monogamously but not married" or something like that instead of on or off.

What gets me is how guys are too stupid to do the hide profile thing. Geeze, they could even set up a dummy username to windowshop.

If he is in this uncertainty stage (or "the switch" in the other book I mentioned), the innocent shopping around is actually a healthy part of the progress. No doubt he's comparing you to others, seing how you size up, feeling his independence a little trying to see if he wants to loose some of it. I wouldn't get too worked up about it if you can help it. With the combinations of events, I can say I would probably get cranky about it, too.

Something you could do to ease your mind, is to act on your uncertainty. If you really don't want to shop on match, just look around at hot guys in town. Give a few big smiles when you walk by. It will help remind you that you aren't tied to this fellow yet and thath you are still seeing if things are worthwhile and possible.

Take care. Hope you have a better day and a great weekend!

Ubers, who can get worried and overanalyze anything if she's overtired and alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:54pm

Mary, your advice is spot on. I'm planning to keep busy, no question.

I also think that I've gotten over him still using Match- it hasn't at all been that long, and I would be if I felt like it. My reasons for not don't have anything to do with Spec, so his reasons for still using it probably don't have anything to do with me.

It *is* hard for me to downshift, and posting here gives me such wonderful advice. I'm usually incredibly impulsive, impetuous, and although I get easily infatuated, my real emotions are rarely engaged. This is probably because I get burnt out long before any real emotions have had a chance to develop.

However, belive it or not, I have actually slowed down a LOT since coming here. I'm also more open to meeting people I wouldn't otherwise have met, and in unconventional ways. I don't know what I'd do without you ladies!!

Moody, enjoying the day for all its worth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 4:55pm

Ok< im gonna say it ... "DATING SUCKS" .. sometimes.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 5:21pm

Here's a thought... he could be logging on to match to look at YOUR profile again. It's possible.. maybe he's looking at your pictures repeatedly. I dated a guy from OLD and he told me he loved looking at my profile...

Have a great weekend....

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