I don't quite know how to say
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| Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:35am |
how I feel. Those three words are said too much and not enough. If I lie here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old show me a garden that's bursting into life...
I'm just loving this song right now, it isn't indicative at all of anything except that I WANT someone to feel that way about me....
So, Spec and I have been IM'ing during the day daily (though not for long, since I'm at work and he's getting ready to go), and he calls me nightly when he's on his lunch break (short conversations since he only gets a 1/2 hour for lunch). The plan was for him to come out Saturday night with me and a fairly large group of my friends. He was also going to be my DD, and we were planning for me to go back to his place, since it's closer.
Tonight when he called, though, he said that he's got to work overtime Saturday night. This means that he won't be able to come. I think I hid my disappointment fairly well, since he said "I got terrible news tonight. I have to work late on Saturday." I replied "Oh, well, ok. This means you won't be coming out?" In a light, non-threatening voice. Then we talked a little about other stuff, and I didn't make a big deal out of it.
I'm bummed, and a little nervous. See, my overactive mind has just kicked in, and now I'm imagining that he doesn't really have to work, but also doesn't want to see me. Obviously I need help. However, I guess even though I'm not bitter from all of the recent (and not-so recent) experiences with men, I'm also a littte wary.
I just feel like I should not be at all suprised if I never hear from him again. I won't be, in fact. Not bitter, exactly, but maybe resigned?
He did sound disappointed, and obviously he's the one calling me. But I can't help but wonder if he really has to work- maybe he's going on a date with someone else and doesn't want to tell me that- although it wouldn't be that big a deal to me. Maybe he's freaked out by my shoe collection and doesn't want to pursue anything else. Maybe he does have to work and I think too much.
On the plus side, though, I won't have to worry about ignoring either him or my friends while out on Saturday. I will also not have to worry about getting drunk and acting silly, since my friends have all seen me silly before and love me for it. I also decided to go closer to my house, so that's good, and we'll get a couple of rooms so no one has to drive.
I just find it incredibly ironic that *I'm* the one with kids who usually has a hard time making time for a date, yet I have an ENTIRE weekend without my children and he's the one without the time. The odds of me having a weekend free like this before this time next year are mighty mighty slim.
He'll be working Friday night while I have plans to go to dinner with my parents and brother, and then I'm going dancing with a friend. Saturday is skiing for me, then a pedicure and a massage then out dancing some more while he's working. Sunday I think I'm going to go skiing and out to breakfast and just enjoy myself until the kids come home.
I guess I'm just thinking out loud, well, on the screen here. I know it's too soon to be thinking too much, and I haven't been at all until tonight. I also know that HE told ME he didn't want to see other people, yet he's still logging in to Match and I've deactivated my account. Not that I can be mad about that, since I deactivated it because I wasn't meeting anyone I wanted to spend time with- everyone was too far aay or simply rotten matches, was sick of spending the money on it, and am just temporarily fed up with it- not at all about him. BUT, I didn't say to him that I only wanted to date him, he said that to me. And I didn't really have too much of a response, other than agreeing to see where it goes.
It can't go anywhere if we never have time to see each other. Working at opposite ends of the day wouldn't be too much of a hassle if we didn't live an hour from each other. I get that I'll have to make concessions, but I can't and won't give up every weekend and my me time and my kid time to be with someone- and even if I were willing, he's got things going on on weekends, too.
So, here's what I like about him and this situation: Smart, funny, nice, close to his family, good job, responsible, seems to be into me, there's been no pressure from him, he's into his own things too and won't expect me to drop everything, definite chemistry- and the mental kind, too, not just behind closed doors...
The things I'm not crazy about: he lives farther away from me than anyone else I've ever tried to date, our schedules will never match up except maybe on the occasional weekend, I don't want to be acting like an over-thinking, analytical girl, and I'm just not sure I can enter into any type of relationship with someone I can't see on a regular basis. The daily contact is fine, but I need to actually be able to do things with and SEE the person I'm dating. Maybe not every day, but on a really regular basis.
Obviously it's too soon for me to think about that with Spec specifically, but if our situation is the way it is now, it really isn't likely to change (neither of us is planning to change jobs or dwellings) any time soon. So, realistically, should i even bother with trying to get to know him better? Knowing that weekends are all we'll ever have for each other, and even then it won't be every weekend.
Knowing the type of relationship I'm looking for, is trying to figure out how to see Spec just a giant waste of time? Shouldn't I be devoting time to finding someone more near me with a more similar schedule to mine? If I just wanted sex or fun, Spec would be on the top of my list, since that could definitely be occasional. But since we both want more, is it fair to ourselves and each other to kid ourselves into thinking this could somehow work?
I'm probably just crabby and will not make any major decisions without a good night's sleep. But I am a little bummed about a couple of things, rightfully or wrongfully doesn't really matter, since they're my feelings. I'm definitely rambling, but it helps to simply get it off my chest.
Thanks for reading this, comments and opinions are welcome, as always!
Moody, feeling foul

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I agree with everything you say, R.
I think for now the distance is a good thing- in disguise, sine we can't be rushing into anything logistically. the problem is that daily Iming and phone conversations can create a false sense of intimacy, which I'm not looking for, either.
He definitely has to work late, since he called last night- while I was out, and we talked for a minute. He said he'd call tonight when he got out of work, but I had decided to go closer to my house tonight, and basically told him not to bother, or to call, but not to bother coming out since we were going to be so far away from his house and place of employment, and it just wouldn't make any sense for him to drive to me.
So, for right now, we're planning on a movie Sunday (matinee) and then dinner with my kids after they get home. I'm not at all nervous about him... but I have a funny story to share, which I'll post in another thread.
Moody, in the thick of the best weekend ever
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BTW - they just put up a new iVillage article on "why does he lose interest" and I thought of you - here it is:
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,b8bg1mzz,00.html
That was a great article that I definitely needed to read!
Thanks for posting it!
Moody, now in recovery mode
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