I don't think I want to do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I don't think I want to do this
8
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 7:46am

dating thing anymore. And I can't quite put my finger on why. I met a guy last Monday night - nice, but not attracted to him at all. Talked to several guys online. Two I've sent to my myspace page and then never heard from them again. A few others I got one e-mail and then nothing else. And the most recent - says he's a former NFL player (I haven't checked out his story yet), but 1) different religions, and 2)After one week of talkiing through e-mail and one phone conversation, he's calling me sweetie! And laughing way too much. I'm thinking no.....

So, I think I might be willing to just put the dating off for a while, but I'm afraid that I'll just be miserably bored, like I was before. And then there's the whole crush thing that I'm trying to avoid: I see him all the time, we joke around together, insult each other, etc. I have really, really tried to let this crush go, but it keeps on. And now, I think his sister is pushing us together. She arranged for us to sit next to each other, she says that he picks on me because he likes me, she asked a group of people if they could imagine what it would be like if we went out (as in, we're both smartalecks), said wouldn't it be funny if we were matched on OLD... I'm really starting to feel a bit of pressure, but maybe I just want it, and that's why I'm interpreting it that way? AAARRGGGHHHH!

I really, really hate dating. I hate being single. I hate playing games. I hate trying to interpret guy signals. I hate that I don't have the slightest idea hwo to find out if this crush is mutual without potentially embarrassing myself, which is not an option because I will see him again because we're part of a group. Crap, crap, crap!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 8:39am

If you really want to clear the air with the crush, ask him out. If he says he's busy, or makes excuses, he's not into you. Risk for embarrasment is fairly high, but you have nothing to lose besides a few minutes. It doesn't have to be anything serious and if he's not interested, someone else will be.

As for the OLD- take a break from it if you're not having fun with it. It's a long, tedious process sometimes, and even though I officially did OLD for a couple of years, I definitely took a break at certain times and just went about my life.

Being bored is no excuse- bored people are boring to others, too. Find a hobby or something you love to do. Take a pottery class, yoga, start sudoku-ing like crazy, knit a blanket for an orphan, volunteer at a soup kitchen, whatever you like. There are a million ways to combat boredom, and the best part of doing soemthing you enjoy will be that it gives you something to talk about, be passionate about, look forward to... you'll soon forget that you ever wanted to date.

I wouldn't put too much stock in what your crush's sister says about anything- HIS actions should be speaking for him, not hers.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Moody, not missing the dating game


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 12:00pm

If your crush felt the same way, he would've asked you out already.


It's great that his sister wants to see you together, but HE doesn't!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 2:45pm

I really, really hate dating. I hate being single. I hate playing games. I hate trying to interpret guy signals.


Abb-so-damn-tootly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 11:20am

Normally, I probably would ask the crush out, but he's not dating right now due to some personal issues. AND I have to see him often, so embarrassment would run deep and often.

I've got 2 more weeks on my match subscription and I don't think I will renew it. Until then, I think I'm going to just be sitting back and seeing what's happening. Probably no actual dates.

What I meant by boredom is more like just wanting someone to talk to - not as in not having anything to do. I have stuff to do (mostly stuff I don't like doing, lol), but it only takes up so much time, and much of it does not give me the personal interaction I like. Finding the things that give me that interaction usually takes either money, requires that I not be shy, or both. Neither are possible right now.

I wouldn't put much stock in his sister if they didn't have the relationship they do - they're very close, and they live together, so she knows him well. In fact, if it wasn't for that, I probably would have already confided in her about my crush.

Thanks for the input. I really have considered your words and will continue to do so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 11:27am

I've been thinking about this, and wondering if he's really not interested. Unfortunately, no one believes that he's not. I wish I could get the opinion someone closer to the situation, who sees it all firsthand, but I'm terrified to let anyone know.

Actually, he can't ask me out, as he's taking a (somewhat forced) hiatus from dating. He's also very shy with women, as he and I talked about this while I was still dating someone else (and before the crush set in). It's just something I have to endure right now.

Seeing someone else to get my mind off my crush was my intent, but it's not going well at all. It just makes me like him more, as I find flaws in everyone else.

Thanks for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 11:36am

I wish I could not see him, but it's not possible. I see him at least 3 times a week. I did try not to sit next to him in class last week, but his sister finagled for us to sit beside one another.

>>Another tip that didn't work for me, but might for you, is to envision him in a foolish or embarrassing situation. The idea is to de-mystify him, and reduce his allure. Maybe I just didn't have a good enough imagination...?<<

Sounds like a great idea, except that that just makes me life and like him even more. The problem is that there is no mystery - I know him quite well, and that's what I like. It's not as much a physical crush as a mental one.

I am doing things, but unfortunately, he's involved with most of the things that I do. Just an unavoidable circumstance. I have little time, no money, and a very shy nature, all of which keep me from doing anything else. It's just a situation I have to deal with, as best I can.

Thanks for the input and concern about my mental health - I'm very familiar with depression and I battle it constantly by doing the things I'm doing. Fortunately, the crush is not creating depression, just more of an annoyance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 8:38pm

Well I don't know if this will help or not, but my friend Patty is an expert at online dating. She has given me some great advice on the one e-mail and then nothing approach most guys seem to have when they contact all of us women. So I will try to summarize.

Most guys are looking for something for right now -- not long term. Yes, there are some who are better than others, but many of them like to talk to you once or twice and then move on for whatever reason. -- insert my personal thought on that -- I try to think it is because my amazing wit and intelligence scares them off -- back to Patty's thoughts. If you are going to play the online game, toughen up. You need to have fun and not be hurt every time a man stops e-mailing you. Oh Patty you don't know how right you are. E-mail a few of your own picks and see what happens. If you don't like the first few e-mails, be done with it. It may seem harsh, but it makes for a better connection when the time is right. You go Patty!!

Now to my own thoughts. OLD can be fun if you are not looking for it to be the only thing in your life. I have spent days and weeks wondering why no one has contacted me only to realize that I missed the rest of life and was lonely and bored because of it. Now I find that I spend more time with friends and family and OLD is a sideline to the rest of my life. I try to have fun with it. I don't get attached to someone just cause they showed early interest in me -- believe me that is hard for me to do.

As far as the crush goes, I have had a crush on a guy at work for the last two years. Yes, he is married, but I would never try to pursue anything. Anyway, if the wedding ring doesn't keep me from crushing too hard, I remember that he wears white socks with dress pants and black shoes and I am over the crush for at least that day. Someday I will move on, but boy is he a fine piece of eye candy to look at every day.

At least I have the summer away from McWhite socks hottie.

If it weren't for Patty and the fine ladies on this board, I would probably still be crying into my keyboard right now. Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 8:57pm

Thanks, but I don't have a problem with guys e-mailing once and then nothing else - it's more of a pain than anything. I hate all the crap of trying to find out what you have in common, make small talk, etc. I just want some witty conversation for once. My point wasn't that I was getting hurt, but that the whole thing irritated me. And maybe I'm just not in the mood for it all.

As for the crush... well, I think he's part of my not wanting to do OLD. Not being able to avoid him or go anywhere with it... and his possibly subtle signals is driving me up the wall. I need OLD to distract me from him, but I hate the whole process when I've got someone right in front of me that can carry on a conversation, is honest, funny, and nice to look at!

There really isn't a simple solution to this problem. I just have to vent sometimes.