I dont want to date I want Him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
I dont want to date I want Him!!!
9
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 1:02pm

Hi Ladies.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:09pm

Qpidssista,

Wow, been there done that,happened to me 5 years ago. Can I be candid? Stop what you're doing. I know that it is easier said than done. But your husband is making a choice, everytime he goes to this other woman and sleeps with her. You must get some self-respect, self-esteem, and get very busy. I did the same stupid thing. He left me after 10 years, went back to his ex. Constantly telling me I don't love her, I don't know why I am doing this, I've only slept with her a couple of times (but he spent every weekend at her house for 6 months straight). And how I know this, because I went over there,trying to find out, and find out if he was with her. Did this make me feel better? HELL NO! I just have more bad memories. And yes, after one year of being gone, he did come back home, but let tell you what happened. Things were not the same, and are never going to be the same. I am not saying that it can't work,but once you come out of this desparation to get him back, you will wake up & smell the coffee. I did the same thing, I just wanted him home, no matter what, but too much had happened, he went too far, and he let his mistress/girlfriend, whatever you want to call her, go too far. She'd come to my house, she'd call me and question me, if he didn't answer his pager. I mean, an affair is a big deal, but when someone leaves you for another woman, it's an even bigger deal. You may not want to hear this today, but one day, you will remember what I'm saying, and you will feel it yourself, It means that today, she meant enough to him that he left you and your children for her. Not saying that he loves her, but he thinks she is the key to his happiness, so he's bailed on you & your kids.
My advice, in retrospect, if I could go back & do it again. Pick yourself up today. Assess your life, and get on with it. Go to church, and find GOD FAST!!! If you're working, make goals, if you need to go back to school, go back & finish. If you have friends, hang out with them as much as possible. Go find a counselor, if possible. But stay away from your husband. He is totally taking advantage of the situation, and you. Every time you are intimate with him you are allowing him to have his cake & eat it too. It will first enable him to keep doing what he's doing, and prolong, your reunion (Eventually, you won't want him anymore), but for now. And secondly, he won't repect you if you ever get back together. You seem easy to him now, and he will keep walking all over you.
I recommend you get some books and read them, some religious inspiration (if you are religious) or some life inspiration. Because of what he's doing to you, he's somehow damaged your self-esteem, and you need to get that back. Calling this other woman, is not going to make her stop seeing your husband. She knows you exist, and she is getting sheer pleasure from knowing that she is doing this. So, Stop calling her. Don't contact her at all, and don't contact your husband. Don't date him, you are married, and you made vows to one another, and unless, you told him that after years of being together, it would be ok to date again, I suggest you that you don't do it.
From my own personal experience, I got my husband back, he stopped seeing this girl. We moved to another place. We started all over again, but I could't shake what he did. Unlike you, I did have an affair, years ago, early on in our marriage. I made the mistake of telling him (thinking honesty was the best policy), and I was really sorry. Young & dumb. I told myself the same thing when he was separated from me,that it is karma, and I deserved this. No I didn't, and No you don't either. Don't make excuses for him, he should've made the choice to forgive you or not, for whatever you did. Don't let him think you will be forgiving, it will just make it worse.
My husband & I are now separated. Why? Because I had to work too hard to get him back, he wasn't sorry, he didn't respect me when he came back, and things were never the same. After 3 years of being back together, I decided, I could't let go of what he did. I forgave him, but I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget that he let this girl, who hated my guts, comb my daughter's hair, or forget that he told her about our personal problems (something that I would never do). I can't forget that he was almost living with her & seeing her on a regular basis. I had an affair that lasted a week, his affairs lasted for a year, after he finished with this girl, he had other woman. I could't forget the hickeys he had on his neck everytime I saw him at that time.
This is why I am telling you to stop what you're doing. I don't mean to sound so bitter, but I feel strongly about this, I am still healing and it has been 5 years since it happened, and we are now separated, pending divorce. I love him & care about him, but there is no romance. He took away everything that was special. He was my first love, only boyfriend, and the father of my child. He took away everything that I thought was special, and he took away my ability to trust him, with my life. How can I feel protected and loved in this harsh world that we live in, when he hurt me so deeply. That is gone, and it will never come back.
I hope that your story doesn't end up like mine. But, I know that one day, you will regret allowing yourself to be his doormat. It's only making you feel worse. You know this in your heart. You already feel bad, but don't do anything that you will regret. I will pray for you. Good luck & loads of hugs. These days may seem like the worst days that you are living, but they will get better. He is just a man, with flaws, and imperfections. He is not your life, and he doesn't define you. Take this time to find out about you. I am not saying that it will be easy, but you will be a better person for it. Besides, God never puts more on us than we can handle, and out of all the bad things that happen to us, God will bring better things to us. When one door closes, another door opens. Good luck, hugs, and remember you are not alone.

Good luck,
Mysterious32

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:32pm

Thanks mysterious for your input!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:39pm

Hello there,

Wow - what a story and hardship you are going through. I have never been in your shoes, so I am sure it is even harder than what I could imagine.

It sounds like you have done all you can do for now.

I think if it were me, I would want to try to put it back if I loved him and had children with him. It would be better in my opinion to try and fail than not to try at all and to regret that.

The other poster on here has given you some good hindsight. You will have to realize how hard it will be to put the trust back - I would think you would need counseling for you both, as well as his total stop to seeing her and wanting to put you two back together again - his reaction and what he wants to do is key - he has to admit he has a problem, will stop seeing her and will work on being with you. Also, I would think you would need to get to the root of why your wedding did not go through and why you behaved the way you did and for him to see that straying is wrong and what he can do to not let himself do that again.

There is some good info about surviving affairs here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And ivillage has a board dedicated to this to where people who have gone through this can give you good support http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery . I am sure you will get some more good responses here, too.

I do remember that my mom had a friend whose husband had an affair. My mom told her to stick it out and work it out. And now they are back together strong. But there are others who have not been so lucky - and you have to decide for yourself what is best for you.

At any rate, I wish you luck - keep us posted.

(Edited to add - my mom's friend found out her husband was having an affair because the mistress broke up with him and dumped his clothes all over their lawn. So it probably helped that he would not see her again and could say he made a big mistake because she was such a floozie - but before it got to that point he was trying to sell their house and she couldn't figure out why!!)




Edited 5/17/2005 4:45 pm ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:36pm

"He did strip my self-esteem and I feel that if its not him, nobody will want me." This statement called out to me more than anything else I read in your post. You need to step back and realize that even if you have made some mistakes, you do NOT deserve to feel this way.

In fact, you should be asking yourself why you would want him back? And does he deserve to be with you? Do you really love him? and if so, can your love survive the feelings of betrayal you are going through?

I agree with the poster who said you need to stop chasing him...don't be the women that is reduced to spying and stalking to see what your guy is up to...he's not your guy anymore. Don't be the woman who is calling and threatening the other women to get your man back. It's not your choice or hers. It's his. Let him go and be with this woman, soon he'll probably cheat on her too. And if you let him, he might even cheat on her with you! Don't do this to yourself.

You deserve much much more. Go to church, enlighten yourself, do things to make you feel strong and powerful and beautiful. Men will respond, and soon you will see that there are much better choices for you out there. And if he is the right choice…let him convince you of this. He’s got a lot of work to do and so do you. But the healthier and happier you get the more clearly you will see this.

A happy confident mom with positive self-esteem who knows what she deserves and doesn't settle for less, is the best example to model for your child too.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:47pm

Is nobody reading the original post that I read? He didn't cheat on her!!! He met another girl after they broke up!

That said,

Honey, I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Yes, it's true that sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. You mentioned that he felt you had cheated on him, and that's why you left, but you didn't say why he felt that way. It's hard to trust someone when you think that they have lied or been unfaithful, what was it that he thought was going on?

Now you find yourself alone with the kids, and he has come to you and been intimate with you and talked about getting back together, yet you find out about another girl from your daughter. So then your heart is stomped on the floor and you want to tear this other girl's eyes out for getting in the way of your family getting back together- but you know what? HE was the one who went to her- I doubt very much that she saw him and said, "hey, you're trying to get back together with your ex, come sleep with me and I'll change your mind..."

No, he's sleeping with you and telling you what you want to hear (ie, we should work it out, but I want to go slow...) and still considering himself to be single and available. I don't think he has ANY intention on getting anything from you but sex, I don't think he wants a relationship with you or he wouldn't have gone to bed with someone else. He's hurt by what happened between you, so he ended it and is now back in the dating world. You, on the other hand are hurt and pining away for him.

The best thing you can do for your self RIGHT NOW is to stand up and say to him, "I want to try this relationship again, I'm willing to do the work, go to counselling, take the time to relearn how to be together, but I will do that without having sex with you until we are 100% comitted to this relationship and no one else is involved." If he's unwilling to stop seeing the other woman, then let him go. He may just need that time on his own to realize the opportunity he is letting go- just as you had that revelation when he left.

But I can tell you that NOTHING will drive him to permanently stay in that other woman's arms than you attacking her! You need to remain objective and calm, and remind him that you are working on your relationship with him for the sake of your children and leave it at that. Calling the other girl is only going to seem like you're a crazy stalker.

I hope that you do work it out, but be patient and let him lead the way a little for now- he's the one that left so it has to be on his terms to come back.

(((HUGS)))
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:56pm
There are many things that are not going your way here...and if you could work on yourself, you could get out of this situation. The rules were changed on you, you 'broke up', but permitted yourself to be intimate with him without commitment. This is called being friends with benefits...except he hasn't been your friend. A real friend would not come anywhere near you knowing that you loved him and longed to have more with him. You have been nothing but his booty call.
This guy doesn't want to be with you, has told you that he doesn't want to be with you, has kicked you out of 'his' home and has 'used' you for sex (you both mutualy used each other for sex). If you can't respect yourself and set high standards for yourself, why should he?? I am not opposed to having a FWB relationship, but find someone who isn't dragging you through the mud and who genuinely likes you!! You can't 'get over' him until you have NO CONTACT with him...what you've described is a very long and tortuous break up. You have taught this guy to disrespect you...he isn't going to turn around and be a good partner to you and no amount of crying, begging and pleading is going to make him want to be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:58pm
You make an excellent point Alison! Well said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:10am

Thanks! I appreciate that!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:42am
The BEST advice I can give you is to read He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you. He's getting the good end of the deal:sleeping with you, another woman, and he doesn't even have to go out with you. Also, if you've been together for 3 years and never got married or it was cancelled, then he obviously doesn't want to marry you, unless you are completely oppossed to marriage then he should be killing hiself to get on his knees for you, not you getting on your's beggin him back. Never beg a man! It just ain't right. Anyway, just read the book, it all makes sense when you read it. And remember I'm not trying to hurt your feelings im just trying to help you because you deserve better no matter howmuch you think you don't you do!!!Also, it sounds like you're a little obsessed, sorry!