I don't what I'll do if one more
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| Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:20pm |
thing goes wrong... I'd sure hate to break down here, I made it this far without crying a single tear. I'd sure to break down here...nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror, I'd sure hate to break to break down here.
Well, it's true that when it rains, it pours.
Many of you know that my father has been battling cancer and had a bone marrow transplant in the summer. It didn't work, and now he needs another one. He has a biopsy last week, and has had several appointments that I've gone with him to lately.
My mother is also having a biopsy tomorrow, and they're concerned (by they I mean the doctors) that she may have the same type of cancer my father has. I swear, it's in the water or something (not really, but what are the odds- sucks!) I will be going with her to the hospital, and hopefully she'll be able to come home the same day.
My car has been on the fritz for a few days now... nothing major, but very annoying, and probably expensive to fix, and I simply haven't had time to get it looked at.
Parent-teacher conferences are also tomorrow, which means I have to figure something out to do with the children while I'm talking to the teacher, as our babysitter is completely in the other side of the county and it doesn't make sense to take them there first.
I also have to meet tomorrow with my advisor at my school- which is even scarier than the parent-teacher conference. The school has made several clerical errors with my paperwork, so financial stuff got completely derailed, and hopefully it's back on track, but I won't know for sure until tomorrow.
School itself has been keeping me pretty busy. I study at night after the kids are in bed, which means I'm not getting much sleep. That and the crap with my parents' health has been fairly stressful on its own lately.
Work has also been making me nuts (I think maybe literally), since I'm getting a ton of extra work piled on me, with no extra pay. This means working overtime to get it all done, which means even less time for myself. Not great for employee morale, more work, same pay (especially when I found out the intern makes more than I do) and they passed me over for a promotion I really wanted.
Double D isn't back at work yet, evidently his doctor was being overly optimistic when they said 3 weeks, as he'll be out from work for another month. He has a job where he absolutely can not work in a sling, so he can't come back until he's fully up to par. I ended up simply signing the card that the company passed around with a little note that said something to the effect of "get well, we miss you!" He hasn't contacted me, but since I didn't give him any contact information, I'm not at all surprised. Besides, he's probably busy trying to heal.
Honestly, though, with all the other stuff I have going on right now (kids, school, ailing parents, a full time job) trying to have a social life or even meet new people has fallen so far down my list I can't even find it anymore. I also don't know if it would be fair to try to start a relationship with someone at this point in my life, when everything's so chaotic. Although, conventional wisdom will say that things will always be chaotic, and the right man for me will get that.
The funny thing is, to my friends and aquaintances, it seems like I'm handling everything really well. I'm glad, since I don't want to appear to be the basketcase I feel like I am, but it's also making me wonder if the me they see is the real me, or am I constantly putting on a brave face for the world? I am not purposely doing it, but I swear at this point if I started crying about life, I'd never stop. Besides, crying gives me a headache, and I simply don't have time to deal with that. Fake it til you make it, right?
On a positive note, I did get my skis and boots for this year's new thing- skiing. I also have a trip planned to NYC for early December, which really isn't far away at all. I've never been, and I'm going with my best girlfriends, which will be a lot of fun. Skiing and NYC, I mean.
I have also come to see even more fully what I don't want in a man, as any that have approached me have raised immediate red flags, and I'm so thrilled that I am in tune enough with myself to be comfortable saying, "gee, thanks but no thanks" I'd rather be alone than dealing with anyone's crap. Being selective is a good thing. Not only have I forged an even stronger bond with myself, but also with my closest friends, which is something I cherish.
The only thing I wonder about is whether or not my choosing to spend so much time alone (well, not exactly alone, since I'm pretty much always at home with the kids or at work with people)makes me even less likely to be open to possibilities. I don't second guess my gut, but as we've said here, everyone has baggage, even men. I'm pretty inflexible on certain issues (no more kids, no heavy drinkers, no drugs, certain physical characteristics)and that makes me wonder if anyone can meet my criteria. Obviously, the men who are terrible matches for me won't meet the criteria, but will the ones who could be a great match? Or have I gotten so used to my own company that I am more unwilling to make any sort of concessions for another person in my life?
It isn't that terrible a thought, except that I really don't plan on spending the rest of my life alone, and yet, I'm not really meeting anyone, either. All the stressors notwithstanding, my life is generally pretty happy, and definitely full. I don't need a man. But lately I've been really asking myself if I want one badly enough for all the trouble to be worth it.
Anyhow, sorry this got so long, thanks for letting me vent! I haven't been hiding, just insanely busy lately.
Moody- a little more crazy each day

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Sending prayers and Hugs that all turns out well for your parents.
I too wonder if I'm not so comfortable with my life that I would know how to add someone to it. It is kinda easy now. I want to find someone but I always seem to be busy. I'm not sure I want my life to change. Then again I want it to. My friends and family say I'll know it when I find it. Just haven't found it yet. I haven't even looked for it for the last 4 years. Goodluck to you dear I too handle things well for others sometimes it is good to break down just alittle and venting is good too.
Moody!! You poor thing. I don't think I have ever read such a disturbing post from you here.
So so so sorry to hear about your parents. It makes us all realize that we take a lot of stuff for granted. I hope somehow that both of them can be okay. YOu must keep us posted!!
As for the thing with the kids - take them with you. I have done that so many times for parent teacher conference. I give him a goody bag and something to do while I am talking. Save the money for a sitter for when you do go out!
I know you are strong and you will come up with answers to the other stuff - but man oh man - is that a lot to deal with all at once.
I hope tomorrow is a little better - keep us posted, okay?
WE CARE!!
Oh sweetie (((((Tina)))))
I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, I really hope that the doctors can help them through this and have a positive outcome.
Thanks, you guys. It really was cathartic just typing it, but knowing you guys would be the eons reading the post helped, too. Thanks!
As far as testing, Alison, it isn't genetic, exactly, but there hasn't been a generation of my father's family that was cancer-free as far back as anyone knows. Oddly enough, none of the people had the same type of cancer. The thing that really sucks is my parents' ages- my dad is 44, my mom's 42. That's young.
SO, I'm off to start what promises to be a busy day, but hopefully all will go well. I'll keep you posted.
Moody- getting by with a little help from her friends
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I'm sorry to hear all the news! They say it makes us stronger, right? Hang in there,lady. All you have to do is make it through one day at a time. I hope things can turn around for you and your parents.
Sheesh
I am sorry to hear about your parents - stay positive (I know that's easier said than done). I know how you are feeling - if I were you I'd be bawling my eyes out. That's only because I feel so much better when I let it all out.
I don't think you're putting on a brave face. I think when you're a single parent (or have been one) you learn to put the "weak" emotions aside for the most part. Because you can't afford to let your guard down - you don't have the option take a break even to cry.
Best wishes.
Moody, even in your "venting" post, you sound very strong to me. But do let yourself cry sometimes, even if you do it late at night when you're alone so the kids (or your parents) don't see. I've always found it helpful to just let it out sometimes. Hugs about your parents and all the potential cancers. Wow- I keep forgetting how not-old you are- when you said your parents were only in their 40's... *I'M* in my 40's!!! And just keep thinking you're more my age, and you're not. But man... your parents ARE young. Too young to have to deal with cancer. (((((((((((Moody)))))))))))))
I know a little bit what you're going through- since my mom has been battling colon cancer for years. I hope things work out for them, or turn out negative. Keep us updated!
I totally understand what you mean about being too busy to date and having someone in your life. I get that way myself- even while dating Hiker. In fact, he wanted to get together tonight but I turned him down because I just wanted a break. Not a break from us as a couple, but a break from having to be somewhere or do anything. For whatever reason, I just wanted to stay at home with the kids and get some laundry done tonight. But I know JUST what you mean. I'm pretty comfy being on my own too- and there are times when my own little life becomes a bit overwhelmingly busy- and my urge to date just goes out the door. Kinda scary... makes me wonder if I can be with Hiker only "out of boredom" in a way, when I might feel like NOT going out when I am busy with my own stuff. I'd hate to think that I might have time for him only if I have spare time. Because he deserves to be more than just someone's "spare time filler", KWIM?
Anyway, I hope things turn out okay with your parents. Hugs about work and school. And Congrats on the skiing and NY thing! I hope you do have fun with those activities!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
You know, I think you're right about the brave face thing. I think being positive about all of this for my kids' sakes has always been very important to me, and naturally once you start behaving in a positive manner in one aspect of your life (like me at home with my kids), it continues to spread. Which is why I'm also Mary Sunshine at work and with my friends.
Obviously, everyone in the world has tough times... it's part of what makes us human. I also think that I don't hold it all in, I just don't necessarily talk about it. I've found a few ways to cope, other than crying, since that takes way too much time. I do some journaling, I make sure to spend time with the people who make me happiest, and I always know that I have friends (including you guys!) who will listen to me vent.
It's not that I'm faking being happy, either, since I generally am happy. It's just that life can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. Lately, that's all seemed to come at once, which is hard if you think about all of it, but you're right about taking things one day at a time, and I've gotten really good at that.
Thanks for everyone's advice!
Moody
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Shrimpy, first let me say thanks for your encouraging words. Secondly, in all of your posts, it's blatantly obvious how much you care for Hiker.
You're right, we all deserve to be more than a time consumer when someone doesn't have anything better to do, but I don't think Hiker is that for you.
People get busy, and people do need space. Obviously Hiker's one heck of a man since he gets that. You certainly wouldn't be happy with someone who was clingy or overbearing, and it's wonderful that he isn't, and allows you to be yourself. It's also wonderful that you feel confident enough in your relationship to simply be able to tell him that tonight you just want to not have to do anything, and he's cool with it.
I don't think you're only with him when you have spare time, but wouldn't you rather be with him when you can enjoy it and are at your best? I'm sure he appreciates the fact that you're human, and there are probably times when he's very busy in his life, too, and it's overwhelming to add a date to the day.
Moody- inspire by you, Shrimps!
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Thanks Moody! I guess it is true- that Hiker and I do have that understanding with each other. I've turned him down for dates for a quiet night alone, and he's turned down my offers to get together as well- when he's too busy or too tired. And neither one of us gets offended. It's just LIFE that sometimes we might actually want to stay home and not do anything, even when offered a chance to be with someone we really like!
We just had lunch together on Tuesday, and he is going camping this weekend- so he was wanting to get together tonight because we won't have a chance to go out this weekend. But man... it's been a crazy week for me and I just didn't have the energy. It is cool that he doesn't get offended! And we will just get together again some other time, whenever we can get it fitted in with everything else. I guess after dating over a year, we've kinda settled into a comfy zone. No pressure, no crazy expectations, just life as usual. lol
I am crazy about that man, and I love any time I get with him... but when I'm tired, I'm TIRED! lol ;-)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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