I feel so bad....so depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
I feel so bad....so depressed
8
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:47pm
I'm here to vent. I'm sorry if I am complianing too much or getting on anyones nerves, but I truly feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I don't vent now. Readers beware!
I want a man who will TRULY want me, package deal and all. DO MEN LIKE THAT ACTUALLY EXIST OUT THERE? Men who are single, with no kids of their own, too? Not that I am opposed to dating someone with kids, as well, but I am just wondering if ANY SINGLE guys (even on the younger side, as I'm 23) with no kids would even actually SERIOUSLY consider dating a woman with kids??
I have been dating this one man in particular for about 2 1/2 months now. We only see eachother about once a week, because he has stated time and time again that he wants to take things "slow"....WELL, I do believe that this has a LOT to do with my having a 2 year old. He said he isn't really ready to meet my child yet, either, which is fine! But it just makes me wonder if he will EVER want to get serious with me. We are still NOT exclusive...and honestly, it is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable for me. I have never been in a relationship like this before...as they were all pretty much whirlwind and we were exclusive right away. I just want to feel special and cherished. I want someone who WANTS me as much as I want them....And I honestly don't know if he does.
We hardly ever talk in between our ONE date a week...and it just feels like we aren't going to be moving forward....I mean, it feels like we are growing closer at each date....and I LOVE spending time with him...we have so much in common and have so much fun together....and after each date, I hate leaving him...knowing that we probably won't see eachother for another week...or even talk for 2-3 days or so. It hurts. I feel myself having STRONG feelings for him each time I'm with him.
He told me when he met me that he was ready for a serious relationship with someone. But when he found out I had a kid, he said he wanted to take things slow and he didn't know if he was ready for all that responsibility. I understand and respect that. He said to give him time...and we'll see how things develop.
Well, its been almost 3 months now and things are moving just as slowly as they were in the beginning. He makes comments about our "future", such as suggesting things to do together, etc., but it just feels like we don't really even have a relationship really. I want him to be EXCITED about me...and it doesn't feel like he is. I think a lot of it has to do with my child....Which sucks...because my child is a PACKAGE DEAL with me...and it sucks he can't seem to accept that. I don't know. He said awhile back that he didn't care that I had a kid...that it didn't "matter" to him in a negative way anymore, but then he doesn't do anything to develop our relationship more.
Is it so wrong to want to feel LOVED, wanted, cherished and have a REAL relationship? I am ready for a serious relationship, even if he is not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:19pm

Oh dear. It sounds like you are really frustrated that you like a guy so much but he is not that into you and holding you at arm's length. Seeing someone once a week is not really enough to fall in love or go forward in the emotion department.

I think the answers to most of your questions about getting someone to love you and your kid are YES - but not if the parking spot in front of your heart is occupied by someone who doesn't like you for you - and you are a mom with a kid.

It sounds like you two have a lot of things in common and a physical attraction and lots of fun together. But it sounds like he does not see a future and does not want to get attached to you so he only sees you once a week and is holding out for something better.

If I was you I would cut the cord and wait for a better one.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 3:56pm
I agree with Judy. I also have to say that I was shy of 22 when I had my first daughter and I knew I would be single having her. I took on that commitment and responsibility with full knowledge that I might never meet a guy that accepts my child. I eventually did a few years later. We married and then I got pregnant, and then he decided he wanted a divorce. I knew again that I would be alone and I may be alone forever with two girls now, but you have to come to that point that you may be alone for awhile until the right person comes along. I have dated men for the last 6 years and nothing has really panned out for me. I am not sure if this relationship will either, but I just sit back and wait and do my own thing now. Sometimes I wish I were secretly still dating so I don't get too hooked up and hurt again, but I try to stay positive. Darlin, it's sooo not easy and I remember when I was your age. Guys then just burned rubber, but guys my age (35) burn rubber too. Their are those exceptions. I've seen it, I've dated them and I have seen them marry others. Chin up, get rid of this guy and find yourself someone that is into the both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 5:36pm

"you may be alone for awhile until the right person comes along"

AMEN!

When I was at the bars this weekend, I was so appalled at how many attractive women were either with or who were throwing themselves at drunk jerks who were so obviously players. Anyone can have a boyfriend right now, but not everyone can have MrRight right now - you have to wait for a good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:05pm

Ooooh, thats a hard one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 7:24am

You're not getting on anyone's nerves- this is why we all come here!

Dating is not always fun and games, as you know. It's harder still to find someone to be in a committed relationship with.

I would say that if after three months you're ready to go to the next level- exclusivity- with him, and he isn't, it's time to cut your losses.

I was 20when I had my second child, and my marriage ended right after she was born. I worried that at 20 I'd be alone forever. I also worried that I'd end up bouncing from relationship to relationship. Neither of those things happened- but it took me 6 years to find a man I can see myself with forever.

It took at least half that long to find a man I wanted to see a second time.

There are young guys who will want you for you- including your child, There are older guys. There are also guys of every age who will not be right for you- whether it's because they don't want the responsibility of a child, whether it's because you aren't compatible, or simply because they aren't.

Good luck, and I would say to not let yourself settle- eventually you'll find the one, and then the wait will be well worth it.

Moody, who didn't settle


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:16pm
Hey guys...I just wanted to give an update on my dating situation with the guy I've been dating for about 3 months now!
Anyway, I still do have some doubt as to whether he wants to get serious with me or not...but last weekend was so GREAT, the doubts kind of quelled a bit...I don't know. I have been trying to get a new job as of late, and had a couple interviews at this one place I hope to work, and he has been extremely supportive in this area...and is always calling/texting to ask how the interview went, and wanting details, etc., and of course offering encouragement. I really love this about him. He always seems to want to know what is going on in my life, and gives great advice about work,etc. He seems genuinely interested in my life.
I met his parents last weekend, and a few more of his friends. We all were at a huge neighborhood barbeque. Now, he is not really a very affectionate/verbal/emotional guy....so I know that it's a good sign if he touches me in public. He would often come up to me at the BBQ and put his arm around my lower back, etc. and I took that as a good sign that things were going well. I got along GREAT with his hilarious friends, and I think I made a good impression on them as well. His parents seemed super nice, and seemed to have liked me also. All in all, it was a great night.
Saturday night was the night he was going to be going out for his birthday. His ACTUAL birthday was Monday, but he wanted to go out and celebrate it on saturday night. Well, I told him that I had already made plans with friends awhile back for that night, and I really couldn't get out of them...He seemed pretty disappointed, and would tease me about it (like, saying in front of his friends, "She's already got PLANS...and won't be there tomorrow night for my birthday celebration" and "You're going to hang out with OTHER guys for my birthday huh?") but he would say all this in jest...and not really seriously. Kind of teasing. I know that he really wanted me to come, so I told him that I might be able to meet up with him later on in the evening, and he was fine with that. Well, I did end up meeting up with him that night, and I dressed super cute on purpose (for his birthday). He told me I looked "really hot" and when we were out a the busy club/bar, he would hold my hand some and then kissed me a couple of times...Which was really strange for him, as he is definitely not usually this affection, especially in public! Granted, we had both had a little bit to drink, but I was shocked! I loved this side of him though.
He always wants me to spend the night with him, and Saturday night I left my bag of toiletries I bring to his house in my car, and he went out in the rain after we had sex to get it for me. He told me to just relax in bed, while he went to get it. THAT completely won me over. I am seriously FALLING IN LOVE with this man.
He knows that I have only had sex with two people in my life. My ex-husband and HIM. He keeps saying, though, that he feels I am about to have sex with someone else soon. He is always talking about how our sex is getting so much better, and how he can have sex with me all the time. I feel the exact same way- our sex is getting so much more passionate and meaningful. After sex on Saturday night, I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead and he shivered and kind of moaned. It seemed that a simple kiss caused so much emotion in him! I wonder what is going on here?? I just know that I am IN DEEP and there is NO turning back now!! It's all over for me...and I hope for him?? I just hope that he is feeling the same way as I am about him....How can I know?? without straight out asking him?
He has been calling/texting me more (I didn't get to the phone on monday night when he called the first time (was very busy with my child), so he called back again two hours later and then admitted that he got kind of worried when I didn't answer the first time or text him.)
I am trying to stay busy and focused on myself and my life....but it's getting harder. Yesterday is the first day I haven't talked to him in awhile, and I truly missed him. Very much. What should I do to keep his interest? Does he sound like he is falilng in love with me too? What are the signs of a man falling in love with a woman? Thanks so much for any comments/advice!! I truly appreciate it.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:07pm
I think it sounds overall very positive that he is including you more and taking more steps towards integrating you into his life. I think it's best to just keep it the way it is and try to avoid having serious conversations. Enjoy him getting closer and maybe he will start opening up more to you. But all in all, it sounds as if he might and that things are going well. I'm very happy to hear that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:49pm

It sounds to me like you are both falling for each other - it all sounds very very positive to me. Maybe you could joke with him the next time you spend an intimate evening together and say very much in a fun loving, teasing way "what are you doing to me?" or "what are we doing?" - I have said this a couple of times to the man that I am currently dating and I know it has made him think. No harm in that and you just might get an answer!

Good Luck and Have Fun!

Rose

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