I guess it's over

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
I guess it's over
20
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 10:09pm

Well, I guess that it was too good to be true with the guy from work I've been seeing for the last couple of months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 11:48am
EXCELLENT! Very good advice - very smart observation!! I agree totally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:27pm

Here's what's weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 4:11pm
Be sure to post updates. I want to know what happens next :). Good luck.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 5:16pm

Hi juls,
fivesenses is right. Men have changed. It's a shame too. This hanging on a limb thing gets really old. It seems that women have to take more control of the relationship, because the men wimp out about it. They don't want to be conceived as the bad guy, or they want to always say, the women broke up with me (boo hoo).
I have gotten quicker and quicker with the whole dating scenario. It used to be, I used to put myself in agony for years when I was unhappy. Years turned into a year, then several months, then a few months, then several weeks, then a few weeks. Now I get rid of them within a few dates. If I don't like it, here's the door, darlin, don't trip. Finito.
Don't waste your time on a man that doesn't have time for you. I've just given up all together on the dating scene of meeting a man and going through the same tiring steps of having to explain myself. Not to mention, trying to make him understand he is not landing in bed with me on the first, second, third, etc date. If he's interested in me as a person, then he can wait out a few weeks or months. When I got divorced I used to be so blue eyed in the dating scene that I didn't see what was happening right away. I used to still trust to easy. As if I hadn't learned my lesson. Now after 2yrs, I have learned my lesson and it just took always little changes to do it to be how I am now. I realize I test them out. If they pass, then terrific, they are relationship material. Sadly, most of them don't in this country. I have never met so many men so into themselves, as in Europe. It's an awful mentality and the women except it. They accept the married men, the affairs of their men, etc. No self esteem. Very saddening. Of course I am the black sheep, because I am way to independent, speak my mind, attitude, etc. But stick to your guns Juls. Stick with your gut feeling. If this guy is no good, then he's no good. A gut feeling is always right. We all want our men to fight for us a little, because in reality, I would fight for my man a little if I was interested.

- Catherine

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 6:39pm

And it's free therapy! ;)
You know what is best for you. Follow your gut. You're right, why waste your time? If you do, you close yourself off to the possibilities of meeting a really great guy who is available to you in every way. You deserve that!

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 9:51am

It's easy for us to just maintain the status quo with a guy.

IT does help a LOT to just get the things out of your head into an organized paragraph...otherwise they run around in there till they wear ruts in your poor psyche. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 9:56am

Hey Catherine, have you noticed that since men don't have to be married to get sex, they're not that interested in marriage?

I want to find someone who wants to be married, devoted to one person and one relationship...it's rare...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:15am

"I want to find someone who wants to be married, devoted to one person and one relationship...it's rare..."

AGREEEEEED!!!!!!!!!! Amen, sistuh!!

But you can't find it if you don't know what to look for and don't have that as a goal. So you are half way there!! Me too!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:18pm

It seems strange though, that someone having the desire to marry as their goal in a relationship is often seen as a red flag. It seems that people are supposed to have the goal of "getting to know someone" or of "getting to be friends" instead of having a focused goal of marriage.

I went to a lot of the dating sites (eHarmony, yahoo, whatever), I don't even remember their names, there were so many of them. But they were all about "dating", not marriage. Even the recent "scientific" ones still talk about developing a relationship. What I wanted was marriage and that was seen as a red flag.

However, it is true that if you don't know what you want, you aren't likely to get it. Knowing what you want allows you to make a very hard cull very quickly. It also means that I don't feel quite so bad about being alone because I know why I want marriage and what the results are if I settle for less.

By the way, women have changed, also. Many women are very aggressive about their "right" to have sex in a relationship before (or outside of) marriage. There are all sorts of reasons given for that, none of which I accept. Because I don't like conflict, I've almost given up going out to anywhere that singles gather. Not even my age keeps me safe from women on the cruise. You know, I never thought things would be like this when I was a teenager. Now they are, and I'm not.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:48pm

Interesting comment Michael.

I've never seen wanting marriage as an END goal as a red flag. And most of the men I've dated have at least SAID that was their end goal in dating (not all of them were honest about that, however). The men who threw up red flags in that area as far as I was concerned were the ones who started talking about marriage, or pushing marriage or began combining lives or incomes much too early into the process. They obviously weren't interested in what person they married, but in getting married to someone. I think that's the same for women. If they're interested in marriage and disregard the PERSON they're looking at...BIG red flag. Most of them were just needy and wanted a "sugar mama" or and easy target for some other reason (one was a pedaphile, for example).

The "safe from women on the cruise" comment was interesting too! So you're telling me men are experiencing what women have since the beginning of time? Women coming on to them? Don't let it keep you in Michael...just be firm. That's always worked for us, even though we do find it irritating. :)

How are you doing otherwise? Job? kids? Good to hear from you.

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