I had my annual review today... Sigh!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
I had my annual review today... Sigh!
3
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:51am
It was good, because it was from last year and I got promoted and it showed my good side of stuff. That was nice, until we came to the NOW and the past couple of months. :(

Remember my little mid-life crisis and depression period? Well, it still hasn't gone away and I have been showing it at my work, because I am so dissatisfied with everything going on in my life. I had a big discussion with my boss, who thinks I am the total screw up because I have ADD. I am a nut, but I'm not as bad as she tends to make me feel. I know she doesn't mean too, but she has a hard time saying positive things, but really easy on the negative. I kind of seem to be running into that whole thing a lot lately. I really gotta figure out how to do a positive seminar, or CD's, books whatever. Anyone have some good recommendations? Of course I have to see a therapist as well. That's all part of it, but I just feel that certain things like my mom is throwing such negative vibes my way, that I feel like I can't do anything right and then I have the fear to move forward on my own with the girls. Then the fear turns, that I'm a failure and this failure is sending out vibes of my unhappiness to people around me. Like a BAD MAGNET. Lately, I have been really drinking alot. Like at least 4 glasses of wine the night or two beers. That is so unnormal now. I can't seem to function at home with out the thought of having to have a drink because I don't want to go home anymore. I don't smoke until I get home and then I smoke one after another. I don't drink until I get home, because my Mom drinks around me and smokes and then I just pick up the bad habit. I also think that if she suddenly wasn't around me, I would continue, because I am feeling so damn down. I stopped taking those happy pills, because those pills just aren't what I want. I want to do this on my own. I know what I do is wrong, but I seem to want to really inflict myself with pain. I've been making awful mistakes and beating myself up consistently; putting myself down, etc etc. That is why I decided to stay away from men, because I have noticed that these last years I make worse and worse choices because I don't think I deserve better. Then my family says I only have losers and I only attract losers, so subconsciously I do. I just figure I need to get some serious help and a coach or something to help pick me up and set me on the right track. I know what I have to do, but picking myself up and doing it seems so hard now. It never was that way, but right now everything seems to be a major task. SIGH...............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:27pm
wow...(((BIG HUGS))) I'm so sorry about your review...I think you're on the right track about your situation...I think the first step towards getting out of something is realizing it and setting up a plan of exit. Like you know to get some books, get into therapy, not live with mom...don't try to tackle it all at once. Continue to set up some goals with plenty of benchmarks along the way so that you can reward yourself. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:05am

Hi Catherine,


I've been watching your posts and seeing the way things have been going for you these past months...I know you know that your situation is deteriorating and you need real, serious help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:51pm
Catherine:

Big hugs to you. I totally agree with Maggie. You know what you need to do, you just need to take that first step. Asking for help is NEVER a sign of weakness. I know you might think that, because I thought that too. But I now realize that asking for help saved my life and got me out of an abusive relationship. I don't know where I'd be had I not swallowed my pride and reached out for help. I also know that it's very hard to be positive when everyone around you is negative. You need to take one step at a time, but maybe being away from mom might not be a bad option for you in the future when you are ready. Until then, surround yourself with your children and friends that are fun and positive, and occupy your alone time doing things you enjoy. That will boost your spirits. Set goals for yourself and just jump right in. The rest will fall into place after you take that first step towards therapy. Unfortunately, no one can do this for you -- you have to take that first step on your own. It's really not as bad as you think. Hope this pep talk helped. All the best to you.

Donna