I HATE YOU...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
I HATE YOU...
8
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:33pm

Sorry this is more single parenting related than dating related...but I need to vent...

I got my first "I hate you" from my dd last night :(. It wasn't a scream or a yell, I think she wanted it to pack a punch but when it came out it was wobbly and half-lived, as if she realized the gravity of what she was saying half way through it.

It was during one of those rare moments when dd (almost 9) challenges authority and I had to stick to my guns and show dd that no matter how defiant or stubborn she was going to be, she would not win. I don't want to get into all the details, because it would take too long...

but eventually, came the kicker..."I wish I could live with daddy, he's never mean to me, ever!"

I just kind of sat there, stunned. I didn't really know how to respond, except to ask her if she would like to call her father and discuss this with him. Perhaps he would accept her solution and she could pack her bags tonight.

She quickly backpeddled and said..."No! I don't want to call him! I only hate you when you're being mean! and when you're being mean I wish I could live with daddy, but I don't mind living with you when you're being nice!"

sigh. I told her that even when I'm being mean, I still love her. and even when she says she hates me I still love her. And sometimes, mom's have to be mean because they love their dd's...and someday it will make sense to her.

I let her go up to her room when we got home and she did the required slamming of the door for emphasis. I sighed and sat down on the couch and tried not to cry. 1/2 an hour later she came down, puffy cheeks and eyes and asked me if I would play a boardgame with her and she acted like a perfect angel the rest of the night.

SIGH! Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 9 years? Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 3:33pm

I dread the day when I first hear those awful words that every child seems to say at some point. Mine are all so little now- they still full of "I love you"s. You've reminded me to appreciate each one that I hear.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:59pm

I've already had my first "I hate you" and "I'm going to go live with my dad all the time." My dd is 4. My response when she said it was that I love her all the time no matter what, and I know she loves me too, and it's okay to be mad and we should talk about it. She had said she was running away to her dad's so I asked her how she was getting there. She said she'd ride on top of my car. I told her my car wasn't going that direction. She said she'd walk. I told her it'd take a couple days to walk that far and she'd be pretty tired by the time she got there. She ran out of ideas at that point and then I said, well, it doesn't matter because if she went to her dad's he'd just bring her back, it was her week to be with me and her dad and I agreed on that schedule and neither one of us is going to change it.

I think there is a risk you take to asking her if she wants to call her dad and discuss living with him. For one, he'd be blind sided and might be stumped on what to say, not really understanding the situation, and might agree to something he wasn't prepared to agree to. It also gives her the impression she has a say in where she lives. Teenagers (and pre-teens) shouldn't have that kind of power IMHO (or think they might have that kind of power). Legally they do get a say when they reach a certain age and level of maturity, but there has to be a process before a decision is made, and the beginning of the process should included the parents and possibly attorney's or a mediator if the parents don't agree, not the child. I think a better response is to ask her why she feels that way and talk about it, and if you determine she is really serious about wanting to live with her dad (because that is something she needs, not just because she's upset with you and lashed out at you in the heat of the moment) then you tell her you will discuss it with her dad and that you will both talk to her about it a lot before any kind of decision is made.

If she's just angry at you and she's saying it to try and hurt you, what she needs is reassurance and love IMHO, which it sounds is what she did get from you. I'm glad she didn't take you up on your offer to let her call her dad, you called her bluff but be careful, next time she might call yours.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:17pm

Hi Orange clouds, My dd is 5 and believe me I hear that she is leaving all the time. We have our yelling moments and our loving moments. You shouldn't take it to heart because they are really trying to test our limits anyway they can. I get told I have ruined her life and I am the worst Mother at least twice a week because she hasn't gotten her way. Than she is moving to my Babysitter's house (who has been watching her since she is 3months). When my dd said she was moving to her Gee Gee's house I just said "ok when should I bring your clothes over." And than I say ok let me call her to let her know and prepare Gee Gee your moving in.

Well than my dd said "Mom I am not leaving you but your being such a meanie and your the worst Mommy in the world. so I just look at her and say. Babe I love you and I will always love you but when your not nice to Mommy and your a meanie to Mommy I sometimes get upset and I am sorry but you need to apologize to me for being a meanie to me and than we can start all over. When she doesnt respond the way I want and say sorry I just tell her to stay in the room and think about what she did and when she can say she is really really sorry than she can come out. Otherwise I tell her I think its best you stay here and I leave so we can stop being mean to each other. So she say's OK Mama I am sorry for being a meanie. I know they say dont throw the guilt back to them but I say what ever works (meaning of course without being physical) than do what you think is best for your child. Noone can tell you what is best for your child. You know their every move and their reaction to things. They know how to manlipulate us and when they can get away with things. Dont feel guilty in any thing you did. and surely dont take it to heart.. This is only the beginning of a look at ourselves growing up.. My family tells me she is my mirror image of me..Funny independent,stubborn and loving. They are just trying to get our attention and affection. you sound like a fine parent dont question yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:55pm

Damn- such good moms we have here. Honestly- I learn so much from you women. Thank you for your posts. I collect bits of info and store it like a squirrel.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:09pm

Thanks to all of you for the kind words of support and advice. First, you make a good point about not encouraging her to think she has a say in where she lives. I knew I wasn't putting myself at risk for calling her bluff with my ex, because he and I have a very strong co-parenting relationship and he would know what was up and wouldn't say the wrong thing, but I think you're right that I should not set her up to expect that she could/can change things that easily.

I do believe she was just lashing out at me for the moment because she was angry with my decision. In hindsight, I look back now at how I could have handled that differently as well, and realize that there are some things I could have done to avoid the blow up as well. It is certainly a learning process! And with the teen years just hovering around the corner, I've got to learn all I can as fast as possible! :)

Thanks for the support and also for providing a place where I can just get my thoughts out there. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:14pm

I would tell her that living with her dad is not an option. I expect to hear this one day from my son and I have the speech all planned out.

I'll let him know that his place is with me. They say they want to go to their dad's to test you. See how much you really, really love them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:51pm

I have a DS who is 9, not a DD so I don't know if that makes a difference.

I think you have to do 2 things:

1) to explain that she is a big responsibility and you are doing the best you can to be a good mommy. Good mommies don't let kids do whatever they want and eat candy all the time and stuff like that. They want their kids to be the best they can be - and this means coaching - loving, correcting - the whole ball of wax. It is okay for her to feel that she would be happier with daddy - but this is not reality to go back and forth between parents and it is not negotiable. She can discuss with you her feelings when she feels this way and then should learn how to effectively communicate.

2) You have to review the case and see if you have been too busy, tired, impatient with her. Kids are at their very worst when we have little time and patience and they are not getting enough attention. I know this because my DS acts his worst when I am busy and have not been spending enough time with him. I think the pressure is harder on a single parent.

We just got back from a vacation where he had all of my time and no deadlines or pressure from the outside world - and you know what - he was a PERFECT angel. He was cooperative, helpful, totally obedient and loving. This is not reality - but it does show what brings out the best in our kids.

I have been working on him to communicate his feelings better. He is starting to be older and more determined and picky in his life. But he has to learn that while yelling makes you feel better, it doesn't have the outcome/consequences that you desire - so it is not effective.

HUGS - I know that is upsetting to hear for you. I hope I have helped in some way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 3:37pm

Thanks Judy. I did do some backtracking to try to figure out where things went wrong, and you make a really good point, that it usually happens at a time when she is not getting enough attention from me. I thought of some alternative ways I could have handled the situation and have armed myself with good advice and info for the next time!

I discussed with D a bit and his rather animated version of the whole thing was very “star wars” like. He said that these moments are necessary to bring balance (as in balance to the force). She can’t be a perfect angel ALL of the time…there have to be a few moments when she turns to the “dark side” to achieve balance. And I’ve got to have all my Jedi mind tricks in place in order to properly handle it. =)

I also appreciated Fivesense’s point that when they say things like I hate you, I want to go live with daddy, they are just testing you to see how much you love and want them. I am taking that advice to heart.

Thanks everyone!