I have no faith .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
I have no faith .....
33
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 5:35am

I dont think this will be a pathetic post, but as i begin to type it ... it may be. lol So, WARNING.


1st off, today is the 4th anniversary of losing my mom. I just still cannot beleive it. I cant fathom it. How can she NOT BE HERE????

Photobucket

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 6:10am

Heres an album of my mom ...


http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8AbN27Ny3YslNOs&notag=1

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketPhoto Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 8:53am

Awww sweetie - poor rlch!! I am sorry about your mom. It breaks my heart when you type about her because she sounds really special - and after all you have been through and with poor Ave it sounds like there was never a time in your life when you needed her more.

Anyway, about this prospect. Don't freak - you have beautiful pix and he is interested. The amount of email before or after is not relevant to how they turn out - at least in my experience.

Chill. Go on the date. See how you feel. And report. Focus on whether or not you like him.

Remember, all we need is one. I think it is a matter of timing and values and chemistry - not too tough, right? LOL!!

Rebeccah has dating jitters!!!!! LOL!! ;-)

Edited to add: I bet your new pictures are even better than ever - because you are very photogenic - and you are very kind and funny and have a lot to offer - you really need one close by who is right for you - you will find it - I think this difficulty is more a matter of the pond having receded - there just are not a lot out there for our age group.




Edited 1/7/2008 9:52 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 9:46am
Hi. Lately I have been posting again but I have lurked for a while and enjoyed your posts. Kind of a closet fan and have always hope things would work out for you in your various endeavors.
I really really relate to the loss of a mom. I lost mine almost 9 years ago and I swear I feel exactly as you wrote. And I am years ahead! I too have often wondered when I will feel like she is truly gone and fully accept it rather than always feeling like I just talked to her or that she might just walk in from a long vacation she scheduled without informing anyone ( which she would never do of course) I watched her pass and took care of her for five years with cancer so I KNOW she is gone but still if she walked in and had some lame "I am so sorry but I just really needed some time alone and took this cruise to...." I would just pretend to be pissed for a second and then make us both a pot of coffee. Sounds crazy right? I just might always miss her and feel her around very close. I think if you feel this way it means that she is very close in some way, around you, somewhere looking over you and Avery. I dont even believe in metaphysical things for the most part but I do believe my mother has been around us. There have been enough instances where she has made her point somehow and done it in a way to quiet even her cynical daughter when it comes to "signs". I think my son used to see her too when he was a toddler.
With everything you have been through in the last few years and especially having read your posts recently, if there is an afterlife that allows people to guard over us, I would find it hard to believe she wasnt there around you somehow. And that subtle sense of someone around makes it less likely you will lose the feelings you describe in your post. It is a mixed blessing of sorts.
As far as not thinking your hot. Your crazy. I'd ask you out - ha.
BUT I have gained a hot ten pounds too in the past year ( I call it love weight since I fell in love and he gained it too!) and here is my advice to feel hot with the extra weight. If you have some extra money which I know you may not, do yourself a favor and go out shopping and take advantage of the absolutely amazing jeans and clothing lines that literally will slim you down ten pounds. I kid you not these people making clothes have like space age technology now and with spanx and all of the undergarment help we have you can really work it! New clothes have more stretch and sucking it all in power than our old clothes do now matter what. I always always feel thinner after I go shopping and buy a new pair of jeans and a great sweater because the stuff out now is meant to slim you out. Then you wash it a hundred times and it loses its power somewhat. Also, on first dates unless you are just itching to get frisky NOW you can really do a lot with those undergarment things/spanx. I dont wear them on dates where I am going to be stripping down because it is comical and not the least bit sexy pulling that stuff off. In fact I bruised myself once! But for first and second dates or as long as you can keep clothes on, that stuff will slim you out completely!
You are hot though. No question about it. Just need to remind yourself a bit.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 10:35am

Hugs to you, citylife and R- about losing your moms! As you guys know, I just lost mine this past May and it's still ROUGH. It's almost depressing to hear from you who have gone through the years and STILL have trouble with it. But at the same time, I at least know I'm not NUTS because I have a hard time with it sometimes- because you guys show me that it's perfectly normal. It's just crazy the way (and times) those waves just come and SLAM you. When a thought or a phrase or something just brings her back up and all the emotions follow.


But thanks for helping me cry this morning. I've been in a weird funk all weekend and felt pressure inside... but just couldn't get that crying release to happen.


hugs,


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 11:02am

Rebecca,


((((HUGS)))) about your mom.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 11:07am

(((HUGS))) Rebecca!!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:11pm

Hmmm, perhaps we have an epidemic of post holiday blues. I find myself thinking more about my dad at the holidays and he's been gone 19 years. And yes, I occasionally feel his presence, particularly when things are rough with PsychoBoy, but also in some seemingly random moments that only later I realize were pivotal moments. Now I am not a believer in paranormal stuff, I'm a totally rational, in the here and now kind of person. Yet, I've had several experiences that I cannot explain other than my dad is still around when he really needs to be. The most memorable was the day of the Loma Prieta earthquake in CA. I was living in San Francisco and S19 was not quite 1 yr old. We were walking back home from a day in Golden Gate Park and I was about to cross the street to go to the ATM. For some unexplainable reason I couldn't cross the street, like some voice in my head was screaming NO, go the other way. Don't go to the bank today. It was weird and I laughed at myself, even looked around to see if I was subconciously picking up that there were dangerous looking folks lurking near the ATM. And I suddenly thought of my father, like out of the blue. I went home by a different route than I normally take. A few minutes after I walked in the door of the flat that earthquake hit. The next day I walked down the street my usual route and saw that on the corner the entire facade of a brick building was on the ground. If I had stopped at the bank and walked my usual route, I would have been standing at that corner when the quake hit and certainly both I and my son would have been injured or killed by the falling debris. So I can't say that there aren't weird things we don't understand that influence our lives. I choose to believe it was my dad looking out for me.

And sheesh, weight gain? M and I have this big black tie masked ball thing the 19th and neither of us will fit in the clothes we planned to wear. We were just talking last night about how bloated and fat we feel after the holidays. So, my goal is to rejoin a gym this week. I bought one of those Spanx things and cannot figure out how one wiggles in and out of it LOL! Plus on me, it just smoothes out the bumps, not really trims anything away. So I'll be having my mom help me let out this skirt so I can actually sit down in it.

But I get my kids back today so there's a happy thought! D3 is rarely away from me this long (a full week) so I will have to hold myself back from getting her from school early.

QueenBun, not totally a realist anymore

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:16pm

{{{HUGS}}} to all of us who lost loved ones.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 12:47pm

Hey Rebecca, I want comment on a separate posting on your "fat" concerns.


CNDG is a bit "chuncky" and was/is self conscious about her belly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 1:15pm

Hi Rebecca, I am sorry about your mom. I know how you feel. I cant imagine how it will be when I lose mine ..I wont have anyone to turn to the way I do with her.

About this guy: I think he sounds really interested. Also you are so fabulous any guy should die for you. Some men really do like women who have soem shape and are not really like skinny and would fly of with a wind. And it is all about how you feel about yourself.

One thing I remembr from what you said about this guy is that "he is a one woman guy" and expects the same. So perhaps he is not as out going and broad minded as you are or his concepts about FWB and things like that are much different that your concepts. So perhaps it may be a good idea to not bring that into your conversation ..Just my humble opinion. I am sure you dont intend to talk all that on first date or even if he asks may be it is good idea to not reveal that. Just because he mentioned that in his profile.
Also there is a chance he is not really worth all this anxiety. You may not like him . So dont worry too much. Just chill and enjoy.

Pages