I hope this isn't too personal of a ?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
I hope this isn't too personal of a ?...
34
Sat, 03-15-2008 - 5:36pm

and if it is, I will understand, but I am torn:

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 10:52am

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Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 11:56am

This is an important issue. I do believe that if one has joint legal custody, when one parent dies the other will automatically get 100% custody of the kids. Your will only can dictate the distribution of your assets. The custody arrangements stated in your will are for when your X dies first and then you die, leaving the children with no parents. Then the parent who died last will have last say in guardianship. If your will and your X's don't agree on guardianship, It will be up to the named guardians to fight the legal battle for custody. I need to change my will now that my S19 is of age. He will be named primary guardian of D4, my sister as secondary. He would fight to get her away from OW and he would win because he is her closest blood relative and my will provides him with the finances to raise her without hardship for him.

I wrote my will during our divorce. Luckily, I don't need life insurance as the kids' father is very well off financially and would take our kids. I would be rolling in my grave that my daughter was being raised by OW, but I am told there is no way I can prevent it. I have set up a trust for the kids, to be administered by a bank and my sister and my friend who is an attorney. The boys have to wait until D4 is 18 before they can get any significant payout. Then it is divided by thirds and D4 gets allotments at 18, 21, 25 and 35.

And in my divorce PsychoBoy and I gave up any right to one another's social security payments. We would get the kid's survivor benefits though if the other were to die. He is supposed to be maintaining a life insurance policy to cover the amount he owes in alimony and child support, but I doubt he has maintained it. He refuses to provide any proof, even after being required by the court to do so. I would have to sue his estate. I'd win, but only after losing a big chunk to legal fees.
So everyone, at least write a will.

QueenBun

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Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 12:24pm
Well, the update here is that the XMIL has not seen him these last two weekends because of her behavior. I told my ex that if she wanted to see him that ewas fine but that he could only go over there with supervision since she couldnt be trusted to respect his wishes or mine. Her witholding the phone from him was the last straw for me. I am sure she is pissed but she hasnt said anything and she would be smart not to at this point. For whatever help they lent me after their son left when my son was super small, they are causing more problems than they are worth now. I know that sounds harsh but at this point I have had some time to think about it and I am hoping this forces my deadbeat ex to either step up or just leave us alone. He took him this weekend to his house for Friday evening and most of Saturday since he couldnt drop him off and leave him at the grandparents based on my new rule. I purposefully asked if he could bring him back Saturday evening since we had meetup today with our dogs and I wanted my DS to enjoy that with us. We will see how long the good father routine lasts. Two weekends where he actually took him to his house does not convince me though since we have been through similar situations before and somehow eventually he always ends up bailing and leaving him at the grandparents house. He really does have to come to terms with the fact that the grandparents will not always be around.
The good news is that DS seems very happy to be here more on weekends and we get more time to just "BE" rather than managing the crazy rat race which is bilingual school and homework and activities, etc. I like having just fun time with him and I have missed out on that so that he can....um be bathed inappropriately by his grandmother I guess. Thanks goodness he finally told me!
So thats the update!! It was good to stand up for him and me.
Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 2:35pm

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 2:56pm

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Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 3:35pm
I do have everything spelled out and taken care of for my DS. Will. Insurance. The whole 9 yards.
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Registered: 04-24-2006
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 5:54pm

Who advised you against putting your minor children as beneficiaries? My lawyer advised me to put my son as a beneficiary, but then to also put my sister as his trustee so that his father won't automatically get control of the money (and waste it all on himself!!!) I wish my sister and her husband could become my son's guardian (even adopt him if they wanted to) as they would be the best parents for him and his special needs. Plus he would get to stay around the family he knows, the doctors who all know him and his history, and would be in a very financially, emotionally and closely secure setting...unlike with his father.

He hasn't seen his "dad" in over four years (he's only six) and has no idea what his dad looks like. His dad hadn't even contacted him for over two years, then started calling him in December almost on a weekly basis. I'm glad he's finally recognizing the need to be in his son's life, but it still isn't enough. I have full physical and legal custody with supervised visits for his father in this county, but his father would still get full custody of him upon my death. The things I hate the most about that would be that it's not in the best interest of our son. His father changes his jobs like he changes his underwear; lives off his siblings whenever he can; has three other children (all adults) who have low morals and values (don't believe in God, do drugs, two pregnant as teens, one with anger issues); is a hypochondriac; moves around almost on a yearly basis; has horrible credit due to irresponsibility (buys his toys before paying the mortgage???); has made medical claims for every job he's ever held (which has been VERY many!) and thinks the world owes him!

I have written a letter than I have had notarized for my sister and her husband to present to a judge explaining why I felt they would be better for my son's needs and can only pray that the judge will agree with it. If the judge decides to let his father have custody anyway, then I can only hope God will let me be his guardian angel to help guide him through his life.

I do have life insurance through my work, but have also opted to pay for more as well. Each of my adult children will get 5% with the other 85% going to my youngest to help pay for his upbringing. I sometimes feel guilty for this uneven distribution, but know that my 6 year old will need it more than his adult siblings who are capable of working and thus providing for themselves.

Kristy

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Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 10:26pm

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 03-16-2008 - 10:49pm
It was information I shared that Soonee was kind enough to remove, because I removed
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 03-17-2008 - 9:50am
well in answer to your ?. I dont feel I have someone who could be a trustee, as my own family is other side of the world and although I have a close friend I don't feel like she should have this job.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16