I know what 2do but I just can't :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I know what 2do but I just can't :(
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Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:46pm
Alright my bf and i have been on and off the last yr. Our major fight is he quit a job and has no desire to get a new one. For the last 3 months. So finally 2 wks ago hes gets a bullcrap job but still its a job, he went for 1 wk and the 2nd week slept over my house everyday and got up and got ready and everything for work. I called his work and he said that my bf no longer works there. He lied to me for an entire wk. He would wait for me to leave for work and go back to sleep, call me at lunch like he was on his lunch, hr. Then when I confronted him he still lied, later telling me he couldn't tell me because we were doing so good that he didnt want to start a fight. Im so in luv with him, my son loves him, an dI know i should move on but Im jsut having such a tough time with this. Any helpful advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:56pm
Probably the best thing for you to do is to cut off all contact with him. I know that is extremely difficult, but look at it this way; you are addicted to him. He's like a drug to you. If you try to wean yourself off of him slowly it's going to be all the more hard & you probably will fail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:58pm
hey - i've been there!! but my on/off bf didn't quit his same crappy job. he works night again too which he told me he wouldn't. i have just been trying to spend more time alone and keeping myself busy. he wanted to come over last night after i haven't seen him 2 weeks almost and i told him i just didn't want to confuse my son. it's really hard to do i know! my bf has so much potential but he won't use it. it's so frustrating but you can't make them do anything! seems like the more you push them, the less they will do. they act like little boys! ha but, the lying part of it is not good. what men don't seem to understand is they lie to us to hide something but if we find out, it makes things 10 times worse! relationships are hard. it's also hard to trust someone once they lie to you. i can't believe he went through all the motions of getting ready, etc, acting like he was at work. good for you for checking up on him. trust your instincts. hang in there. try to talk to him and see what his intentions are if you really love him. why did he quit his previous job?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:25pm

Hi Honeyap,

Sorry to hear you are still struggling with this issue. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

The thing is, you can't make him do what he needs to do for himself - get ambition and get a life and job. And if he doesn't do that you will live to resent him. And he will be a bad influence for your kids.

You just have to be tough and give him the boot. The more days you go without him the more you will get over him. The key is that you have to set it in your mind that he is not going to change and he is not acceptable the way he is and there is no stable future with this man.

The longer you stay with him is the longer it will take you to find what you deserve.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:38pm

First red flag: on & off for a year... most relationships like that will

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:44pm
Think of it as two steps. The first step is deciding if you are going to settle or not. You say you know what you need to do, and that means you know the answer to step 1. Now step 2, it's a process. You need to decide how you are going to tell him, once you have that in mind it will be a little easier. Then how are you going to get through the coming days and weeks? Make a plan. You know you can survive this, he isn't providing you food or shelter or anything else you need to live. You know you love him but you also know it takes more than feelings and emotion to make a relationship a happy and healthy one, right? You also know that by cutting him loose, you are going to be available to find a man that is right for you, your life and your son. Hold onto those thoughts. Go to the library and get some books to keep yourself busy, pick up any old neglected activity you used to enjoy, and plan some fun things to do with ds in the next few weeks. I also found it helpful to listen to the love song radio station when my x-bf and I broke up. It kept me reminded of the fact that a gazillion other people before me have experienced heartbreak and have gone on to be happy again (still doing this).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 1:46pm

I can understand how tough it is to end it, but you need to look at the situation. The guy is LYING to you. And not a little lie like, "oh, sure that dress looks great on you", when he's thinking your butt looks a little big. That's a tolerable lie. But pretending to go to work just so you don't *pick a fight* with him? What did he think, that you WEREN'T going to notice when he DIDN'T come home with a paycheque in a few weeks? He's got no drive, no ambition and no desire to do better for himself, but he's more than willing to leech off a single mom who has enough to worry about. When you're allowing him to stay there and use your amenities and eat your food and not contribute back, then you're allowing him to rob your son of things he needs.

While I'm sure you have this strong desire to save him and help him, don't. He can do just fine for himself. The more you enable someone like that to take advantage of others, the more they will. The more you coddle and make excuses for him, the more he will cling to the coddling and the excuses. There is nothing physically wrong with him to get a job, is there? No. He's just lazy. He'd rather take the free ride and the easy way. But you know what? Life's not like that.

So why are you willing to be his mother when you already have a son to raise. Do you want your son growing up and having this guy's work ethic and moral ethic? Do you want him to think that it's ok to not take responsibility for yourself and work hard at whatever job you do, or to think it's ok to use every one and any system that will give him a hand out?

My ex is going to be 35 this year and lives with his mother, doesn't work and doesn't have a license (lost it for DUI), so he can't work driving truck like he could be doing. To him, though, he says it would be *degrading* to get a minimum wage job because he has the potential to make $60,000. He hasn't realized that potential in the last 9 years I've known him, but... I also know a man who's lived with his mother for practically his whole life, barely ever worked and he's 55 now and living on his mothers pension with her. (He lived away from his mother and held down a job when he was in his 30's for about 6 months.) His father died when he was 11 and she's coddled him ever since. His brother and his sister are both VERY hard working people who have both taken on, if needed, extra jobs to make ends meet. Neither one is proud to have him as a brother, nor will they take him in once their mom passes away.

So no matter how much you love him and how much you want to help him, do what is best for you and your son. If this guy is serious about making the relationship work, then he's not going to have to prove to you, doubly, that he's holding down a job, paying his bills and taking care of himself before you would even give him another glance. Having a job for a week will not cut it. He needs to be in his own place, taking care of himself and working hard at whatever job he has before you should even give him the time of day. Don't allow the only thing he's bringing into your relationship be his burden of laziness.

Tell him what you expect from him should he want to continue something down the road and leave it at that. Then get out and meet and date other guys, and you'll see the difference. You'll probably meet a great guy who does have his act together and you'll be wondering why you wasted your time and energy on this one. Believe me when I say there are responsible men out there! Ones that wouldn't think twice about keeping a steady job and wanting that secure income. Ones that have savings and little or no debt! Being a single mom is hard enough, but being a mother to a fully grown adult is not practical nor required.

Good luck, we're here for ya!
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:01pm

Wow girls - that is some of the best advice I have ever read!! This board rocks!!

Honeyap, girl, listen to these women - and keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:12pm
thanks so much your post made me feel a lot better.. i guess im just thinking about the good tiems and the potential he does have, but ur right im struggling enough with me and my son, i just bought a house so moneys tight and ur right he is just feeding off me, hopefully it will get better over this week..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:26pm

Honey,

Just think of it one day at a time, then it won't seem so overwhelming. I know it's going to be hard to get back out there and start over, but you know it's the right thing to do. You just bought a house? Good for you! Have some fun decorating it and remodling it, even if just with pen and paper for now. Get busy in the yard and plant some new flowers or scrape the paint off that back porch that is just peeling away. Get the radio out and blast some great songs that just get you pumped up (like "I will survive", that's ALWAYS a good one!)

If he calls, either don't answer (screen your calls) or tell him you are on your way out, sorry you can't chat. If he wants to meet up with you, sorry, you have something planned with your son, mother, friend, sister, aunt, librarian. If he shows up at the door, gather your son and head out, "sorry, we were on our way to ____". If he says he has no where else to go, say "sorry to hear that, good luck finding a place".

You're not being rude, you're just redirecting your priorities. You're not responsible for him and you shouldn't be helping him out IN ANY WAY from now on. Do not even give him a SUGGESTION on somewhere to stay or where he could find a job- not your worry.

But just take one day at a time, and make plans to do something new for yourself to get out or explore or fix up something in the house, or paint the kitchen, or make art with your son, or go to the museum or wash the car. And if you feel lonely and you need someone to vent to, come here!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:49pm

The good times are easy when someone is not working and he is sponging off you. And the potential is in your head.

The thing is that he is not going to change - the red flags that Phoenix Mama gave you are very real, very well written. The advice everyone has here is very good - they have been through this before - more than me. I learned from them and I hope you do, too.

Imagine that you are with someone who can add to your life - bring you more money - a good example for your kid(s), ambition, ideas, challenge you and teach you. Much happiness, a brighter future - with good times and stability. You can get this if you are not willing to settle.

What you have here is a big risk. A liability. The challenge is for you to view reality instead of the rosy dream in your head. That is also a lesson I have had to learn!! We all want to see the potential and the good things that could be - but what we have to see is what is.

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