I know what 2do but I just can't :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
I know what 2do but I just can't :(
14
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:46pm
Alright my bf and i have been on and off the last yr. Our major fight is he quit a job and has no desire to get a new one. For the last 3 months. So finally 2 wks ago hes gets a bullcrap job but still its a job, he went for 1 wk and the 2nd week slept over my house everyday and got up and got ready and everything for work. I called his work and he said that my bf no longer works there. He lied to me for an entire wk. He would wait for me to leave for work and go back to sleep, call me at lunch like he was on his lunch, hr. Then when I confronted him he still lied, later telling me he couldn't tell me because we were doing so good that he didnt want to start a fight. Im so in luv with him, my son loves him, an dI know i should move on but Im jsut having such a tough time with this. Any helpful advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 5:09pm

Right, Judy. Is it more important to see the dream of what we want and try to mold someone to fit that, or more important to go out and look for that person who ALREADY has those qualities?

We have to be willing to accept, as adults, that there is nothing we can do to control how another adult behaves. People each have their own priorities and values, and what may be important to one is not to another.

And sure, everyone has potential, but that's for themselves to discover, not us to find. You can only do so much to try and help someone get onto the *right* path, and eventually they have to be left to find their own way.

My ex's mother blames me that her son is still drinking and doing drugs, because I didn't try hard enough to help him. After 5 years I think I gave him MORE than enough help, and more than enough opportunity to grow up and become responsible.

It's funny that now with my current bf, J, I do *motherly* things with him, like ensure he's got a lunch and that he's taken his thyroid pill. But, he doesn't NEED me to do these things for him, but he does appreciate that I do. And I like to take care of him in that way, because I don't HAVE to. He could do things just find on his own, and I knew that when I met him.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 6:03pm

>>>Is it more important to see the dream of what we want and try to mold someone to fit that, or more important to go out and look for that person who ALREADY has those qualities? <<<<

It's better to find someone that already has those qualities. But even when we pick someone with the right qualities and we have the dream for all the right reasons, we still might have to let it go if things don't work out for one reason or another. We always have to be willing to think of ourselves and our children and do what we know is best, even if it hurts or isn't the easiest choice.

For the OP, the pain of letting go now is less than holding on too long and having to let go later.




Edited 7/18/2005 6:11 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 8:25am

Wow! What great insight everyone has. I've had WAY to many relationship (both Alexs and Nina's father's) of wanting to SAVE someone. Not my deal anymore. I won't go that route, I have learned from my mistakes, nailing the advice that you all mentioned perfectly; but I had to learn it the VERY hard way. To much heartache and headache. Kind of kissing the frogs over and over again and still not finding that prince. lol

Now I am ok with that. I don't feel like I NEED a relationship, as I once did. I am happy in my skin just dating (or not) and being on my own. Without the feeling of just settling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 2:39pm

PhoenixMama and the others already made all the good points -- I'll just add one from personal experience: my XH didn't have ambition and couldn't/wouldn't hold down a job -- he sabotaged every job he held.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

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