I need to vent
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| Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:59am |
I am feeling just low this morning.. I love this board being active and supportive.. So I decide to stay here and vent even if I am not a single mom..hope none of you have anything against that..
okay now only last day I posted to Rebecca about my 40 something guy I am dating.. Some one else mentioned they don't have patience for 40 something guy who has been single for ever.. I can see what they mean..
Being with my guy I can see why he has been single for ever.. I was so attracted to him that I HAD to date him... Anyways.. I have always felt that he has slower pace or takes longer time to get motivated..(only in certain things..) .. In this case it is about making a document ( work related..). He takes 4 times more time than anyone to document something.. because he wants it perfect ( I am guessing)..or he is just slow..
We had a great 3 day weekend..( for most part). Actually he said he will finish this by this weekend..of course we ended up spending a lots of time together and only yesterday he started working back on it.. I am amazed by how his pace is in doing this ( v slow .. for me)..
Okay another issue is we have been looking for houses to buy ( for him). He didn't even make a list of fovorites.. In fact I made one for him.. Last night our realtor asked if we wanted to go to see some.. I e-mailed back to her with the list.. He had few houses in his mind-- but didn't make a long list like me.. I know he would just see 3 or 4 and may be buy one or just slow down and continue in rental ..( he said he really wants to get out of his rental place before winter). I tried to help him out by looking and making a list
later in the night I kind of was having a feeling down thinking about how his pace is and how he does things.. I was more enthusiastic in looking and making a list of houses for him than he was..How can he spend his $ without fully exploring all the avaiilable houses? I have posted this issue before here.. but last night I was feeling more..
I don't want to break up just for this.. because he is wonderful to me in every way.. and fact is he spends lots of time with me or for me which is also slowing down his other things..But even last night he was like..do you want to see a movie.. I said no you still haven't finished that document.. This document he doesn't need urgently, but has to use it to apply for a job... He does things at job at a fast pace.. So looks like he needs deadlines or something to actually get motivated. Also seems like he will put anything behind just to be able to spend time with me ( should I be happy?)
aaarggh.. I think may be we need to take a small break.. I kind of feel like I am loosing patience at times.. But on the other hand I feel may be I should let him do things at his pace.. may be that works better for him.. But I am not sure if this kind of mismatch will be an issue when we have common things or even raising kids.. any opinions? Apart from this literally I cant complain anything about him..
Thanks for letting me vent.

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I think the big question here is whether you can live with his pace without getting stressed or upset about it.
He's not "wrong" for his slowness, though we anal ones can see just what problems he is giving himself later by not being quicker or more prepared. But he isn't a bad person for his pace. I have a brother who is like that. He does everything on HIS schedule and it's always a slow one. It drives me and my Dad nuts because we tend to be more 'on top of things' with our stuff. (although I am actually somewhere in between- on top of things at times, and procrastinator extraordinaire at others.) But my brother makes even MY procrastination seem anal!!! But that doesn't make him a bad person. Just unorganized, IMO- spoken as someone with organized clutter...
And just because you are on top of things and wnat to plan- that doesn't make you "the weird one" for that! And hopefully he won't see your making of lists of houses for him and all that- as you being too controlling and taking over his life. But like I said- it doesn't make you bad for doing things that way.
It's just a matter of whether you two can live with that big difference in your personalities. And IMO- it's a big enough one that it can drive the other one nuts, if there isn't more of a middle ground met somewhere. (because I can get very aggravated at those who drag their feet) And if you find that you can't live with this feature of his- then accept the fact that you're just not a good match. Not that either one of you is wrong or bad or broken... just too different to be a good pair or partnership. And then move on.
If you can live with his slow pace, then there's no problem. I just know that I would find it hard to do. Sometimes I even find it hard to tolerate the kids' slow pace- and they're just KIDS, and they WILL be slow! But you don't want to end up having to "parent" a partner as if he was a kid dragging his feet. THAT would make me nutty.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Well, I can sort of relate. I am a procrastinator with a catpial P. I don't do my actual work slowly, but at home, it takes me a long time to start something, and even longer to finish it.
Once I get going, I'm fine, unless I try to do too many things at once, or get sidetracked, or distracted, or decide I need to make a call.... any number of things trip me up.
This is simply a part of who I am. It isn't a character flaw, more like a quirk. I do make certain decisions very quickly and without thinking the consequences through thoroughly enough. Planning a vacation takes me about a day, where other people research much more than I do. Yet another quirk.
I might be your SO, who decides I'm tired of renting and buys whatever suits my fancy that week. I wouldn't go to the bother of researching and looking at tons of different houses, I'd buy the first one I liked.
Luckily, my SO is not at all like me in this regard. He does very few things on impulse, is motivated to get things started, and sticks with a particular task until it's done. I have a fly by the seat of my pants, get-everything-done-quickly-so-I-can-move-on approach to most things. He's much more methodical, practical, and calm about getting things done. My decisions are typically emotion-based, while his are more logic-based.
To my way of thinking, neither of us is right or wrong, we're just who we are. Luckily, we don't have conflict over this, since I make a decision split-second, and he sees that it's carried through. He would spend lots of time researching things that aren't all that important, and I'd spend no time researching things that are hugely important. We balance each other out very well.
HOWEVER, I can definitely see where this could cause strife. If I was making split-second but irrational decisions, and he was methodically thinking through everything but not seeming to make a decision, I would get impatient. Luckily, we communicate very well, and he knows me well enough to know sometimes he needs to light a fire, sometimes he needs to let me get to it on my own, and sometimes I need to let him help me prioitixe better.
I would say that in order for any relationship to work, there has to be a lot of good communication. But this is especially true when two parties have certain character traits that are different from one another.
Good luck, and stay calm!
Moody, who gets fired up quickly
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It sounds like you are continuing to be frustrated with his “slowness” and how he approaches things in his life. It sounds like you realize that you have more enthusiasm than he does in things that are important to you/him like house hunting.
I caution you that you are taking on things that are his responsibilities, his life, his priorities. You mentioned how raising children may be an issue if you continue your life with him.
As a parent, I know that my children are not me. As they grow, they are developing their own sense of self and in order to nurture their independence and taking responsibility for their own in/actions. I have learned to “let go.”
My now 18 yr old son is a prime example. He is smart and was inducted in the honor society during his junior year in high school. His focus was not on grades but getting by and being a good section leader in the marching band. We have discussed the importance of getting good grades in order to have more options in getting into the college he wants and what it will take to get good grades.
I checked in with him daily (I’m the non-custodial parent) to go over what he had on his plate for school work. Despite all that he decided to not put a whole lot of effort in keeping his grades up. I reminded him of the consequences and let that go. Drove his mom nuts.
He is a smart guy but made decisions to what he wanted to do. I would rather have him do that than “force” (which is a laugh, try forcing a child to do anything) him for then it would have been MY choice/values/ life rather than his. Motivation needs to come from within otherwise it would be just living by someone else’s values.
Remember he has done things at his own pace for all his life and it seems to have served him. You have lived your life at your pace as well and you think that is the best way for you. The challenge is if/how you can have those views/values/lives together as a partnership.
Take care,
Mark
Hi all,
Thanks for the support and for the inputs. I am definitely going to take it v slow..
The differences also could be some what cultural.. In my family parents are behind us deciding/ monitoring everything for us (and some what too interferring like in MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING..).. while my SO's family is some what like how Mark treats his son. Actually some what like the guys family in the same movie..
Fact is he has done some great things in his life - given his pace. His parents didt seem to force him for anything.. He said he didnt have very high grades in high school then he worked on extra credits and went to a great college.. then he decided he wants to do carpentry for 2 years - just felt tired of classrooms ( his parents didnt say anything..). Then he decided to go back to school and worked on getting into an IVY league and got doctorate and he is well known in what he does today... So I think he loves his pace and can actually do things that works for him.. I actually used to ask him hwy he wont want to go out date and explore the possibility before committing to get married.. He just says I am happy with you I dont want to explore..I am not saying I am not good for him.. I just see that he is very calm in his attitude ..
I will keep you all updated .. But it was useful coming here and venting and not having to take my fumes out on him..
I know a lot of guys who would not be so intense about making a list and hunting for a house - so that sort of sounds like the typical difference between the sexes kind of thing - not that one is right and one is wrong - just the way it is - you should read the Venus and Mars book for a little insight.
I don't really see anything wrong from what you write about him - because it is not like he has a character flaw. But at the end of the day you have to be able to respect and admire him for who he is, even if it means he is different from you.
Time will tell you. Perhaps in time you will realize that you both complement each other and balance each other? You might have the ability to get a lot done but he will have the ability to catch mistakes and fine tune things you might not have seen in your rush?
I can understand your point and that's exactly why I'm single. Like me, you seem to want everything to go the way you think things should go. You try to take control when it's really not your business ... I know, because I'm the same way. When a person doesn't do it "your" way, it can be really frustrating. And on and on and on ....
Remember, your friend is who he is and that's what make him so unique. I know, I know ... but ... it's going to be all right. Just let go.
If you really like this guy and you think the two of you have a future together, find common ground and allow him to just be him. Yes, you can help him and make suggestions, but learn to let go some of the control. You are going to drive yourself "nuts" and possibly loose this wonderful trying to make him your robot. I know you don't want a robot ... but!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let go, calm down, and all will work it self out. If not, you are going to be single just like me, trying to rule a world that you have no control over. (I'm still trying to convince myself.)
SMILE.
p.s. it's the small things that drives us control freaks whacko.
Hi Cl_west ,jazz and others,
Thanks a bunch for your time that you took to give me some inputs.. They were very much needed.
I kind of feel that my presence and the way I view things and overall my wanting to do things as fast and as best as possible kind of puts pressure on him that he has never known in his life.. But he is trying I know he is..
So I decided to just let go. He loves me and cares for me like nothing else. Just today I had a minor surgery ( which I could go and drive back alone..). he insisted he would come with me and too me there and got me back, made sure I was okay and comfortable, and got me some thing to eat and all that. He really pampers me.
he did go through list of houses now and told me what he would like.. looks like he is a bit confused inside on what size of house he wants ( which can change depending on the future of our relationship..) He told me that was one reason he was not looking for a big list. I told him to go with what he would do if he were single ( to get a not too big house) and it is always possible to manage two people in that.
I know, I dont want to loose this one trying to get something that is perfect ( that never exists). I am in fact very picky. But he does meet my criteria's like being a good human being, loving me selflessly , smart and fit and so on..
So I would just let go and besides my life hasn't been exactly perfect and most wonderful so far in spite of my being fast and so on..may be cl is right in saying that we do complement each other.. I just need to trust him that he will make things work- but at his own pace.
Thanks again for all valuable inputs.
we are going to see some more houses.. I feel he is ready to buy a house (which will be a big step for him).
jazzmeup- thanks for what you said, I realise I have a bit of controlling nature in me- it comes out only when the other person is totally different from me. I need to let him enjoy his life at his pace.. I know he values my opinions very much- I should not push him to the edge and make him feel like he should not care for what I say. BTW jazz, what are you doing to find guys the kind of ones you might like - or the ones that are more similar to you? I hope you haven't stopped looking.
I will keep you posted. I am much calmer now compared to morning. Thanks to all of you and thanks to him for being here with me all this time and loving me.
From one still single control freak to another: I totally agree!
I'm also trying to learn that I just don't have control over other people and situations and I HAVE to learn to relax if I ever want to find someone and be happy. My entire family on both sides are control freaks, so I guess I have my work cut out for me. :)
At least you and I are both aware!
Let me tell you why, if Carlos, who i thought was the PERFECT guy, wanted to go back into a relationship, i would say NO!
He too was a 45 yr old, never married guy. I wont go into all the particulars, I dont know if you were around back when we dated (last Aug thru this Feb) but its here in the archives if you want to see it. He was a great guy. A great person. & likley, for someone, would be a great husband, but not for ME.
He was smart, funny, very sensitive & loving, so generous, wonderful family, successful in his architecture business, etc - BUT, he freaking DILLY-DALLIED ALL THE TIME.
If eveything else is what you are looking for & need & want, then maybe your backing off a bit on that criteria/issue, is a good thing.
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