I really need advice!
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| Fri, 06-15-2007 - 5:43am |
I'm not too sure where to start...
I have a 2 year old who currently lives with me. I was with her father until she was 1, and he was never home and never really involved when I was living with him (and he was extremely verbally abusive, and once physically while I was with him, and that's why I left. I didn't press charges, but did go to talk with someone at a woman's shelter). He didn't change diapers, he spent absolutely NO money on me or her, he didn't wake up with her, go to any doctors visits, nothing. When I left we made a verbal agreement that he would take her Sundays (11-7), and from 3-8 on Wednesdays....just to get him off my back. The times don't really work for me, and I would prefer if he took her every second weekend, and then Wednesdays.
When my ex takes her 90% of the time it's with his parents. He changes the pick up, and drop off times on a whim. And has changed the days, or cancelled fairly frequently as well. He has taken her overnight about 4 times. Apparently she is alright with him, but she is very difficult for me for about a week after. She will get up crying at night, go to bed very late, and is generally overly clingy after these overnight stays. She still breastfeeds quite frequently, and is very attached.
I now have a new boyfriend which he recently has found out about. We have been together for about 8 months, and the ex found out about 2 months ago. I'm not sure if this is what started it but...All of a sudden he is pushing for more visitation rights, and he wants to be able to take her on 2 week long vacations to Mexico, Europe, and all over the place. He wants one full weekend a month as well (his choice of which weekend), and also wants her overnight every Sunday night. We have been getting along great prior to this. He doesn't consider that I also have a life, as does our daughter. It's all based around his social schedule. He pushes things around like I'm a maid, and has no respect for the fact that I am a parent. What started this was last weekend he decided to go skiing, Friday-Sunday. He wanted her Monday instead, but we had plans later that afternoon. So I suggested that he took her overnight Sunday starting at 6 (which is the time he chose), and part of the day Monday. He didn't bother to show up to get her until 9:00 at night. I said forget it she was going to bed, but then I caved and let him take her anyways...me saying that made him angry in some way evidently. He only wants the FUN, but can't take ANY responsibility. He wants to take her one weekend a month to get out of having her every second weekend, and he wants to be able to chose the weekend so it doesnt interfere with his social calander.
He is clueless when it comes to watching her. She always comes home filthy, with a soaking wet diaper. Also one of the times he took her overnight she had such a bad diaper rash that she needed a prescription for it. He says it doesn't matter becuase it was only once and it happened a month ago. She has come home with water bottle lids given to her while in her carseat, and nuts (pecans, cashews, almonds etc). He asked why she can't have hard nuts, and that she's smart enough not to choke...I'm seriously becoming concerned for her safety.
I don't feel like I'm unreasonable. But at the same time I'm so scared that if I dont give him everything he wants that it will look bad on my part somehow. He also has lots of money, and I'm scared of going to court. I just love my baby, and he is making things soooo hard on me. I just feel trapped. I do have a lawyer, but I'm almost scared to use him, and open up a can of worms. I'm also scared of just being a push over and not being a responsible parent by letting him get away with what he does. I know my dd loves her dad, and I want them to have a relationship....but he just refuses to put her needs first. His idea of putting her first is just him and his parents being selfish, and then trying to justify it by saying that it's best for her. How would HE know what's best for her when he can't even behave like a parent??? I think maybe I'm just not seeing things clearly, because I'm scared of him, and I KNOW how manipulative he is. I know eventually he's going to push things because he has his dad's money to burn, and doesn't actually care and never will about the well being of his child. He's only even involved with her to appease his parents who maintain his lifestyle. He also hides his money so he doesn't have to pay as much child support. He has a $600,000 house all to himself, and a Hummer, and $1000 shirts...yet he only pays $400 a month??? I haven't fought it because I KNOW if I do he'll make me pay for it by constantly taking me to court. I don't trust him in ANY way, shape, or form....he is the MOST manipulative person I have EVER met! I know he's keeping the house so he can push for her to go to private school right beside it so he can get full custody. He manipulates EVERYONE in his life over money, and I'm scared to death what he's going to end up pulling. He ONLY cares about himself, and he doesn't care who he hurts to feed his ego. I'm just so sick of pretending thigs are roses, just to keep him happy.
This is just killin me!! :(

Oh dear. I can understand how being a new mom and having to deal with a dad like this is more than your nerves can bear.
Okay - but - with that said, stop letting your mind worry about the future and what you think he will do. Because that is not allowing you to be productive with the present.
It sounds to me like you need to get a better visitation schedule legally. If you want every other weekend and Wednesdays then you have to ask for it and get that set in stone. Specify what to do with all the holidays, summer, winter, birthdays, father's day, mother's day, vacations, etc. Get it all specified in writing and legally. If you are already the primary custodial parent he is not going to be able to change that easily and with his lifestyle I don't think he will want it. Go back to your lawyer and get that done. It is worth the money. Many girls here have filed stuff like that themselves but I am not sure how to do it. I am hoping they will all come here and chime in and help you.
Once you get the visitation schedule you have to stick to it like glue. His social life is not your problem. And if his parents are around to help she will probably enjoy time with them. Do not allow him to pick her up late or on different days. If he is not there within the hour do not answer the phone or the door. But at the same time you cannot refuse him access on the days she is supposed to be with him.
At the same time, you cannot control how he parents her. I know the diaper rash stinks - you will have to put more ointment on her before you send her off - and if it becomes bad you can take her to the doctor and get documentation. I would get documentation on all of it anyway. Soon she will be old enough that you won't have to worry about that. You cannot dictate to him what she can eat or not eat. What she does with dad is what she does with dad unless there is a medical reason he has to abide to.
I hope this helps you sort things out. I am sure that once you set boundaries with him, things will get better and settle in - this is always the hard part for everyone.
Keep us posted. And hopefully the other moms here will write more too. They probably have a lot more tips than what I wrote. The saying here is always that a bad dad is better than no dad.
Bravo for you for breastfeeding your toddler!