I really need some advice :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
I really need some advice :(
15
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 8:55pm

I have two teenagers ages 13 and 15

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2011
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 9:26pm

Dear confused Ladybug,

Please allow me to make a few suggestions. First of all, I am only getting one side of the story, yours, and there is much more information between you, your boyfriend and your children that would need to be examined, but with that being said, allow me to give you my suggestions. Just take it for what it's worth.

You know how you feel about your boyfriend. Those feelings are what cause you to act the way you do. While he is your boyfriend, and may some day be more then that, your children ARE yours and will ALWAYS be your children. Have you tried taking your children out for a quite evening alone and taking about the situation. Do you have a way to find out what they are telling their friends. How about their teachers, how are they doing in school? Divorce and parental problems can have long-term effects on children, especially during their iimpressionable years.

The reasons why your children feel the way they do is probably as varied as the feelings you have betwen the boyfriend and your children. Whatever the reason; cultural differences, never being a replacement for Dad, boyfriend not good enough for Mom,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-01-2011 - 10:42pm

I know this is a difficult situation so I can't say I know the "right" answer for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 12:25am

Ladybugs-

Hi. Relationships between single parents can be hard. I agree that it is probably hardest with early teenagers. They are old enough to get resentful and find fault, but not old enough to be understanding. Also, you can't make them like someone they really don't want to like--and it will be an ongoing source of tension with both them and your boyfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 7:18am

Thank You for your thoughts . Its hard because my children do not have a father to got to on the weekends . I get resentful that my situation is not " normal " so that I can have any time to be an adult but I do know they need me right now . Before the boyfriend we had sleep overs with friends and I entertained tons of kids here , now they dont want to have friends over because they dont want to hang around his kids and their privacy is gone . I have a boyfriend that expects weekends are ours and gets sad and pouty if we cant be together , not to mention the lack of understanding of the gas money I dont have to travel with . I really love him and we get along great on most parts but it seems like alot of work , alot fo adjustement with the kids for someone I really have no future with . My kids are very spoiled and have always come first until I met a man and I had to do it this way to see him , I thought if I was with them 5 days a week and the boyfriend for 2 it was fair but it really isnt because it has changed their weekends . . Its not their fault that they were spoiled either I did it because I gave and gave to them to compensate my emptiness in my 20 yr marriage . So now I cant undo it with having the boyfriend up so much of my time . It hurts because I think I let myself fall to quickly . We kept it a secret from the kids for about 9 months but still I had very little time alone before I met him thats one of my other mistakes . My thoughts are I wonder If I should be strong and even though it will hurt like crazy just give this time to my kids and wish him well . His kids are not spoiled they are happy go lucky and just want their dad happy , Im a bit jealous and its amazing how they love me so much , they want to stay at my house another reason my kids are resentful and jealous :( Wow this dating thing is so hard Im worried of the regret I will have if this doesnt work out with him and I have lost all this time to pour into my kids during the most difficult time in their lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 7:19am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 12:01pm

Ladybuggs-

Hi. There's no need to feel guilt or shame about being a bad mother. You are entitled to have a man in your life, and to try out

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 1:20pm

Thank You for your reply . I am learning why its important to have time alone after a long marriage that ends . I have NO ideah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 1:51pm

I think you just have to be honest if you are going to end things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2011
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 2:37pm

Yes you are so right , I guess the part that makes it hard for me is I feel like a disappointment to my boyfriend , He believes all would be well with my kids if I had just " made" them go with me to his house on weekends . He thinks he is right and that is why his kids love me so much is because he "made" them come to my house with him . Truth is we have raised our kids two very different ways and I know my kids very well , making them spend the weekend at their mothers boyfriends house would be devistating to them . As they were not "made" to do much in their lives because I have always been such a giver . I feel so weak about the break up , I think after almost 3 years I have healed myself in my partner and not taken the time to do what I needed to after a bad divorce , I rushed into things and I became such a giver in the relationship , it hurts me to feel like a disappointment to anyone let alone him .... I gotta get strong enough and just do it and grieve it . Thanks so much for your words of wisdom !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 7:51pm

Well I'll tell you--I learned a lot from a bad 2nd marriage so if I could spare someone what I went through...

The fact that you raise your children differently and he thinks you should "make" your children do something really raises a red flag w/ me.

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