I screwed up bad...need help...desperate
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:41pm |
Hey everyone. I really need help, desperately, and fast. Some of you may remember my previous posts on here...about a guy I have been dating for a little over three months now. Well, as of last week, we are now officially "exclusive" and he told me he "liked me a lot".... Basically, things were going great...very well between us.
Fast forward to last night...him, me, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and his friend all went to a concert. The concert was a lot of fun, and we all got pretty tipsy. Well, his brothers friend, James, is a VERY outgoing, loud, funny, fun, friendly, pretty flirty guy that many girls find physically attractive. What is NOT attractive about him is the fact that he is married and cheats on his wife often. This is a horrible factor about him and all of his friends (especially my guy) feel this way. They do not agree with his lifestyle, and I have made it clear in the past to my guy that I feel the same way.
Well, after the concert, we all go to a bar and my guy is acting very distant and quiet. I knew something was wrong, so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Nothing...You're just acting really weird tonight, but we'll talk about it later"...So, later on, we get home and we are both still pretty tipsy. I ask him what was wrong. He said:
"You were just acting really weird all night...not yourself...I wasn't feeling the love at all tonight (BTW, we have NOT said "i love you" to eachother yet)...I just wasn't feeling it" and I asked why, what happened...and he said that nothing happened, he just felt that I was focusing more on his friend James than him...he said that he felt that I was pretty much ignoring him the whole night and instead "being very friendly" with James...Basically, James was the loudest, funniest guy in the group and he was also the 5th wheel out of all of us, and so I was just being friendly back to him and trying to make him feel comfortable, and not left out in any way. I explained to my guy that I have absolutely NO attraction to James WHATSOEVER, and I also apoligized MULTIPLE times for making him feel the way he did. I told him that I definitely didnt' realize that I was acting that way, or "flirting" and that I was very sorry.
He felt that in the car ride to and from the concert (James,me, and my guy were all sitting in the back seat with me in the middle) that I was sitting MUCH closer to James and kind of staying away from him, and also at the concert James had to go to the bathroom a lot, as did I, and so I went with him a few times, and my boyfriend didnt come. I didn't ask him to come with me, because I didn't want to put him out and make him miss part of the concert b/c I had to go to the bathroom. I felt that since both James and I both had to go, it was convenient. I wasn't trying to be alone w/ james or flirt or spend more time w/ him or anything like that. I honestly have NO feelings/attraction for james, and am in fact falling madly in love with my boyfriend. I was just being "TOO" friendly I guess. THEN, I guess the last straw for my guy was when we were all leaving the concert, my guy and I were walking in the back of our group and holding hands, then we stopped holding hands and he claimed that I "hurried to catch up with James", although I truly did not feel like/realize I was doing this AT ALL. I guess maybe I was just trying to stay with the group? i don't know! I honestly don't know. I did NOT intend for him to feel this way at ALL. Then, James was taking off his paper beer band (those paper bands they put on your wrists at concerts and such when you are over 21) and I asked him to take off mine as well, if possible, because I was having trouble taking it off. I asked James because simply he was taking his off at the time and I was right beside him, walking. He accidently broke my bracelet when he was taking it off, and then he told my guy "I just broke your girls bracelet man...You should have taken it off for her! Sorry" and my guy didn't say anything at all, or even look really like he cared much. He looked pretty upset, really. So in the car ride home, my guy said that he could have taken the wrist band off for me, and that I should have asked him to take it off. I said "yeah, i should have asked you, and you wouldnt have broken my bracelet, huh?" playfully, and he said "no, because I care about you...sometimes" ....
Anyway, back to the end of the night, after he told me what was wrong, he said he was going to bed (I usually spend the night), and that I could do whatever. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said he didn't care, and I said "why?" and he said "just stay" in kind of a frustrated voice. Other than that little frustration expression, he was quite eerily calm, which made it worse. He said that there was really nothing more to say about the whole thing, so the subject was over for him. Then he put the blanket over his head. At this point, I was completely freaking out and wanted reassurance that everything would be okay. I felt HORRIBLE about acting the way I did (and not really realizing how it made him feel) and verbalized this to him. I asked him if this would change things between us now, and he asked "well, should it?" and I replied "No, I hope not" and he didn't say anything back. Then I asked him if he could ever move past this, and forgive me, and he said that he'd "Probably be able to" then I asked him if there was anything I could do to help things, and he said he couldn't think of anything. So then I decide to try and hold his hand while we are laying in the bed...he holds my hand back, so then I try kissing him and one thing leads to another and we start having sex.
After sex, I ask him if everything is going to be alright between us and he asks again "should it?" and I said "yes, I hope so" and then he said he believes me that I wasn't flirting, that it was a learning experience and now he knows how I act around guys...I tell him that I don't act that way around guys really, and he said "then only this one?" and I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything to that. Then he said that I will just know next time to pay more attention to him when we are with others, and to not ignore him like I apparently did. I was kind of grasping at straws, so I said that maybe, unconciously, I don't want him to know how much I like him, so I try not to depend too much on him and try not to be obsessively connected to his hip when we are in public, and maybe that came off as me ignoring him and paying more attention to his friend. He said that this didn't make sense at all. I told him that I hoped he knew that I liked him, and he said that I never told him...he said that I never complimented him and that he told me I am good-looking all the time, but that he never hears this from me...I know I compliment him a lot on his personality/smarts,etc, but I should probably focus more on his looks sometimes, obviously. He sounded really bitter about this. He asked "when is the last time you complimented me?" I felt horrible, but I know I told him he was smart earlier that night, and reminded him of this, but he said that he never got complimented from me on his looks. I then told him that I thought he was very good-looking.
He asked if I could see where he was coming from. I said that yes, in hindsight, I can see his point of view, but that I did not intend for him to feel that way at all...and that I was NOT trying to flirt or anything like that. But I told him that I validated his feelings and could see his point of view.
NOW, I spend the night last night...and this morning he was still somewhat distant...when we first woke up, I asked him if he was still upset about it all, and he shrugged his shoulders and said that he'd "get over it"...Then I apoligized for the LAST time and once again said that I did not intend for him to feel that way. I also told him that I did NOT sleep well that night b/c I was so worried/feeling bad about this whole thing. He didn't say anything to this.
When I left, he gave me a hug like normal, but did not kiss me (although we do not ALWAYS kiss when we part) and then said, after I looked at him expectantly, that he'd "call me later, or I could call him"....and that was that.
I haven't heard from him yet...and don't know if I will today....OR ever for that matter???? I still feel really bad and am SO nervous. I truly hope that I did not screw up this GREAT, budding relationship because of one night, one screw up that I did not even intend to happen! I have been beating myself up over this all day...I feel so horrible. My question is, do you think he will want to see me again, or is he probably "done" with our relationship? Should I call him first, or wait for him to call me next? Did I truly cross the line, and would most guys dump me for this? I just want some advice on what to do, and if there is ANYTHING I can possible do to make this all better! I am SICK at the thought that this relationship could possibly be ruined over this! HELP PLEASE! Thanks so much in advance!!

I almost think your reaction after the fact was worse than the deed. Don't worry - he will call and then you can just move forward, not speak of it anymore and be aware of that in the future.
I think it was more of a case of him not liking that guy. And besides, a little competition can sometimes be a good thing.
Keep us posted and good luck!! Go get busy and stop worrying!!
Let him know that you were just being friendly, and if he is more comfortable if you are not around him - then that is the way things should be.
Hi browneyedmama. I know I am late in answering your post but I had a question...is this the first time he has acted like this when y'all are around other men or is it just around James? I know that I can get flirty at times but that is just my personality.
I guess I just want to make sure that your boyfriend isn't low in self-esteem and will do this to you if you act friendly towards other men. You are obviously a good natured person and I would hate for you to have to suppress that when y'all are around other men other than him.
I don't think you screwed up at all. Let him call you.
Jennifer
Well, I have to say that it isn't a bad thing that he was jealous. It happens and shows that he likes you. Don't fuss about it or bring it up again. He will call. I think you are making it a big deal at this point and that will cause more problems that what actually happened.
Also, I have to say that I wouldn't be happy if I was on a date and that person seemed not to be very into me. It is great to enjoy the group but focus on the date. I don't know if I would be happy if my date let go of my hand and ran to catch up with others instead of being content just walking with me and talking. From an outside point of view you were being flirty with his friend (asking him to help you, running to catch up, etc) Your R is still new and since the friend is such a "ladies man" it is going to smart when your boyfriend see it. It may be your personality, but just be more aware of it in the future. Shouldn't really make or break your R though.
Priscilla
Hello,
If you want to see the problem from his perspective, you just have to put yourself in his shoes and replace the married guy with a married girl with the same attributes (attractive, flirtatious, known to have some more men on the side...), let's call her Lolita.
How would you feel about him paying more attention to the group in general and even more so to Lolita? taking WC breaks with Lolita, asking Lolita to open the wrist band .....?
I'm not concerned about your guy calling you or not, probably he would get over it. However, I think you are either attracted to that other guy or to men in general.
I would seriously think about what I really want.
Anyway, I don't understand why your guy even bothers to go out with people he doesn't like?
A 37 y/o guy.
OMG!!!! RUN!!!!
OK, seriously, I promise not to predjudice this reply with my gut instinct screaming RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!
Perhapses:
1. You aren't honest with yourself and he saw right through you.
2. You are very knowledgeable of who you are and what you feel and he mis read you.
So with those two scenarios muhdear, let's look at motivations and consequences.
With #1. perhaps exclusivity without the security of commitment and love (already in three months) your anxiety is showing by flirting with someone else, shows you are still available, still wantable *and* tests his love and commitment.
With #2, it's three months, like everyone, he's been played and used a few times and isn't sure if you are one of dem. Or maybe he's ambivalent and he's overdramatizing in order to secure his escape route. Guys may not ever use their escape route, but knowing it's there gives them security. OR maybe he's frightfully insecure and he's just showing his azz.
The danger is in how this can escalate to more accusations and a continued effort to keep you apologizing for the thing you didn't do. It's called Fear on his part, which means that he will have a strong, perhaps neurotical, perhaps pathological, need to control what he believes is causing his fear.... and that means you.
It won't make him evil, just toxic for you. If this situation blows over and doesn't come back, consider it a short time period in which you learned about each other. If it does come back, watch for escalation. If it does escalate, walk away before the toxins in the relationship cause long term damage. Remember, it's OK to love forever, it's wonderful to forgive, it's STUPID to suffer for no dam reason.
Jeannie
I think the only thing you did wrong was OVER apologize and OVER compensate the reassurances- which seemed to be EXACTLY what he wanted- over and over!
(Hey, Whys!
I know its been awhile, but a new life has brought a lot of things full circle, and here I am again.
Remember that discussion here abouts regarding giving "absolute power" through the popular *unconditional love* and us musing if it's the sin of a person for wiping their feet on your welcome mat?
So some control freaks are made. Funny how two people can be doing their best and still completely do each other wrong.
With that in mind,it becomes both easier to let go of a toxic relationship and forgive the other party involved.
Jeannie