I should know better...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
I should know better...
10
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 11:58am

Hi there. I've been reading posts here for solace this morning, and am new here. I need to vent some, and I need some consolation. I met someone online, and we started a very intense involvement (very physical when we were together and it was great) during August and September. I was interested in him because I knew he was going south

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 12:35pm

Welcome wildhonyawker (does your moniker mean anything?)

Your posting is titled "I should know better ..." From my experience is that it does me no good to beat myself up on the "shoulds" and learn from my bad experiences so I won't do them again. I have been dating since my divorce over 8 years ago. I really want a long term, committed relationship but have not been able to be in one. Someone asked by why not? I told him that I am practicing.

Yes it indeed sucks that you have had such wonderful chemistry and connection with someone who just disappears aka ghosts. If it is any consolation, this seems to be common. I suspect for most the reason is that they get scared about the closeness. Most people are afraid of intimacy and especially men, getting "tied down."

I think a lot of us have been there, done that about hanging on (getting obsessed) with someone we felt so close to and then disappears on us. It IS tough to just let it go but f a year from now you want to look back and be grateful that you did not waste your life energy, time and emotions on this guy and therefore made space for expanding and enjoying your life with others and in other activities.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 12:48pm

Hi Mark. Thanks for your supportive reply. My kids are very high energy, two clicks south from being ADHD, IMO! I'm also very energetic, as is their departed dad, so I somehow heard "wildhonyawkers" and decided that it referred nicely to my two kids.


I know one of the reasons I keep thinking about this intense fling (that's really what it was) is because I have a hard time letting any guy get close to me, even though I get told that I'm quite the catch, and because I let him get very close to me, and my kids, and invited him into my home on more than one occasion I feel very vulnerable since what is happening now feels like rejection. I feel like he invited me to crush all over him and expose my feelings to him, and then he ran with them.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 1:04pm

wild hon yawkers? LOL!

I take a philosophical view if the relationship does not work out. My attitude that if the relationship does not work out then there is a good reason and it is better to find out sooner rather than later.

I think it is pretty common for men and women being very emotionally guarded in relationships. I believe that comes from being burned in past relationships and/or from their upbringing.

I was raised in a family that did not express emotions and I did not know how I felt. I have worked on getting in touch with my feelings (gawd that sounds so cliche'). So I for every relationship (friendship or more) I want to let the other person know how I feel and be open. I believe I have pretty good judgment in knowing who I do that with.

I can understand how it can hurt to be emotionally vulnerable and then get rejected but another way to look at it is that you have been brave enough to be yourself and that guy was not for you. You had fun with him and enjoyed certain qualities that he had but he did not have the emotional courage or maturity to be an equal partner.

I see life is too short to hold back. I am willing to put myself "out there" and see what happens. I know for women it is a lot harder for there seems to be an emotional fragility in your makeup.

If you do have a pattern of relationships like your last one then I would invite you to do some self examination on where that is coming from. I know we unconsciously attract certain kinds of people in our lives and repeat that until we bring our personal-family background to light.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 1:16pm
Hi again Mark. I actually know where the pattern comes from. It's due to lack of patience with allowing a relationship with a man I'm attracted to to develop into a solid friendship before we hit the sheets. What happens is that the intensity that the guy feels
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:19pm

Sounds like maybe he was looking/asking for a commitment because he was unsure of this new city he was moving to or what was going to lie before him....then once he got there, he decided it would be alright to start again?!? Sorry if this is what is happening.


I have been where you are with the obsessive behavior. It's NO fun. Kinda all consuming. I find that often times I want what I don't have at that moment....


I hope he at least responds so you can have some closure. How far is he from you at this point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:28pm
East coast, which is a long way from here. He was just up here working for the summer, and I hooked up because I don't want the situation where the guy gets too serious with me too fast. The surprising thing for me was that when this guy got all serious with me, I was really into it and wanted to go for it. This scares me/scared me alot because my intention had been to just calmly let him go and take it for what it was, a temporary thing. I guess I'm annoyed because I like him alot as a person and would like to keep in touch with him and he is not responding to my attempts at all. I have to just let it go and wait until my heart says it has also let go of what is potential for something, rather than reality since we were only involved for a month. I have a hard time finding guys that I am interested in. I think this guy is coming back in the summer to work, and because of this will eventually hear from him. I will then decide if I want to risk getting hurt by him and the situation or not. He is also 8 years younger than me, no kids, never married, and I think that he has the same kinds of illusions about the "right person" that I used to before I met, married, reproduced, and had my marraige destroyed by crystal meth. I'm alot more practical about sex and love these days. I realize that my postings this morning don't look like it however. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:42pm

No, I get it...and believe me, we all do things that are out of character at times. I'm going through my 2nd divorce (followed someone's link from the 'Surviving Divorce & Separation' board) and am in my late 30s. My views on life and men are a TON different than they were in my 20s...before I lost one to his girlfriend and the second one to alcoholism.


Hang in there!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:43pm

My practical side is to look at things like: my partner must be within several times a week dating distance (30 min or less driving) and my partner must have been married and have kids (knows what it was like to be in a long term, committed relationship and to know what is like to be a parent).

My last relationship was with a woman (Cute Newly Divorced Gal) who is emotionally unavailable but I really liked. I realized that I was hitting my head against a brick wall by trying to create something that wasn't there and she could not or would not provide.

I moved on but it was painful.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:55pm
My second marraige lasted 6 weeks due to him having an anger problem that he would not get help for and me needing a safe harbor for the kids and myself. A big criteria for me is that I feel comfortable with the person I'm interested in. And I don't feel comfortable easily. Over the summer, I've had different guys just want to get together for coffee, and I wouldn't go for it because they were pushing me before I could even figure out if I was interested enough in them to agree to it. Believe me, I have my own trust issues which is one of the reasons I internet date right now. If I don't like a guy, I just stop communicating with him, and then I don't have to see him all around town (I live in a small city). I've also been in love with a completely unavailable man for three years, and it was finally over when I met the guy I've been posting about this morning! Finally over. And I have to work with this three year guy, who is used to me always being there for him, and now at last I have no romantic feelings for him. I am FREE! He went through a painful divorce a few years past also, and dates wildly but leaves the girl flat when she wants to move beyond the superficial. I think the guy at work really doesn't think it's over for me and has used me as a way to reassure himself over these years that if it doesn't work out with the girl du jour, he at least has my emotional attachment to provide him some comfort. Sheesh! I deserve so much more than that!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 11:34am

Hey Mark,


What a very encouraging post. Once again you have touch a personal spot with me... here i was feeling like i just can't do this dating thing... that it's too scary and i'm too fragile. But dating is a part of being single. I must be brave and take the risk. And not beat myself up if there are some bumps along the way.


LB