I should know better...
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I should know better...
| Sat, 10-11-2008 - 11:58am |
Hi there. I've been reading posts here for solace this morning, and am new here. I need to vent some, and I need some consolation. I met someone online, and we started a very intense involvement (very physical when we were together and it was great) during August and September. I was interested in him because I knew he was going south

Welcome wildhonyawker (does your moniker mean anything?)
Your posting is titled "I should know better ..." From my experience is that it does me no good to beat myself up on the "shoulds" and learn from my bad experiences so I won't do them again. I have been dating since my divorce over 8 years ago. I really want a long term, committed relationship but have not been able to be in one. Someone asked by why not? I told him that I am practicing.
Yes it indeed sucks that you have had such wonderful chemistry and connection with someone who just disappears aka ghosts. If it is any consolation, this seems to be common. I suspect for most the reason is that they get scared about the closeness. Most people are afraid of intimacy and especially men, getting "tied down."
I think a lot of us have been there, done that about hanging on (getting obsessed) with someone we felt so close to and then disappears on us. It IS tough to just let it go but f a year from now you want to look back and be grateful that you did not waste your life energy, time and emotions on this guy and therefore made space for expanding and enjoying your life with others and in other activities.
Take care,
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Hi Mark. Thanks for your supportive reply. My kids are very high energy, two clicks south from being ADHD, IMO! I'm also very energetic, as is their departed dad, so I somehow heard "wildhonyawkers" and decided that it referred nicely to my two kids.
I know one of the reasons I keep thinking about this intense fling (that's really what it was) is because I have a hard time letting any guy get close to me, even though I get told that I'm quite the catch, and because I let him get very close to me, and my kids, and invited him into my home on more than one occasion I feel very vulnerable since what is happening now feels like rejection. I feel like he invited me to crush all over him and expose my feelings to him, and then he ran with them.
wild hon yawkers? LOL!
I take a philosophical view if the relationship does not work out. My attitude that if the relationship does not work out then there is a good reason and it is better to find out sooner rather than later.
I think it is pretty common for men and women being very emotionally guarded in relationships. I believe that comes from being burned in past relationships and/or from their upbringing.
I was raised in a family that did not express emotions and I did not know how I felt. I have worked on getting in touch with my feelings (gawd that sounds so cliche'). So I for every relationship (friendship or more) I want to let the other person know how I feel and be open. I believe I have pretty good judgment in knowing who I do that with.
I can understand how it can hurt to be emotionally vulnerable and then get rejected but another way to look at it is that you have been brave enough to be yourself and that guy was not for you. You had fun with him and enjoyed certain qualities that he had but he did not have the emotional courage or maturity to be an equal partner.
I see life is too short to hold back. I am willing to put myself "out there" and see what happens. I know for women it is a lot harder for there seems to be an emotional fragility in your makeup.
If you do have a pattern of relationships like your last one then I would invite you to do some self examination on where that is coming from. I know we unconsciously attract certain kinds of people in our lives and repeat that until we bring our personal-family background to light.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Sounds like maybe he was looking/asking for a commitment because he was unsure of this new city he was moving to or what was going to lie before him....then once he got there, he decided it would be alright to start again?!? Sorry if this is what is happening.
I have been where you are with the obsessive behavior. It's NO fun. Kinda all consuming. I find that often times I want what I don't have at that moment....
I hope he at least responds so you can have some closure. How far is he from you at this point?
No, I get it...and believe me, we all do things that are out of character at times. I'm going through my 2nd divorce (followed someone's link from the 'Surviving Divorce & Separation' board) and am in my late 30s. My views on life and men are a TON different than they were in my 20s...before I lost one to his girlfriend and the second one to alcoholism.
Hang in there!
My practical side is to look at things like: my partner must be within several times a week dating distance (30 min or less driving) and my partner must have been married and have kids (knows what it was like to be in a long term, committed relationship and to know what is like to be a parent).
My last relationship was with a woman (Cute Newly Divorced Gal) who is emotionally unavailable but I really liked. I realized that I was hitting my head against a brick wall by trying to create something that wasn't there and she could not or would not provide.
I moved on but it was painful.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Hey Mark,
What a very encouraging post. Once again you have touch a personal spot with me... here i was feeling like i just can't do this dating thing... that it's too scary and i'm too fragile. But dating is a part of being single. I must be brave and take the risk. And not beat myself up if there are some bumps along the way.
LB