I typically am not such a pushover
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| Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:08pm |
Ok all-new to this board and really need some advice.
I'll start from the beginning (sorry if the post gets too long). I was comfortably married for 12 years (I say comfortably, because while I loved my H, I wasn't really IN love with him. After a medical scare at 32 for me where he was emotionally not there for me, I mentally dropped out of my marriage. A year later (while still married) I met a man at work, one whom I became friends with. We thought the friendship was safe--we weren't each other's types--but after some months...feelings developed. My husband and I were in MC, that didin't work. He eventually moved out and we were divorced.
I started dating my friend immediately. May 2006. We were perfect for each other. Same interests, goals, same work field, incredible sexual chemistry. We were inseperable. Took some trips, just thought everything was progressing nicely. He had a girlfriend at the time we started dating, but he broke it off with her immediately. For some time, however, she was still sending texts, calling, etc. It was making me uncomfortable and he said he would handle it. Last Feb (07) I was just not convinved. I logged into his email (worst mistake anyone can ever do) and found a message from to/from his exwife...or should I say STILL wife. It was about them moving forward with their divorce blah blah. I was shocked. He told me he had been divorced for two years. When I confronted him on it, he said it was embrrassing, that he though she had filed the papers, that she never did and when he found out about it, he was too embarrassed to tell me. Promised it had long been over. The kicker here is that she lives in another state and he flew home once a month to see his kids (and YES stayed in her house). So after much talking, I believe the story and we move on.
Somehow, later that month, we just go through an array of arguments--much I believe that stemmed from fights he was having getting the divorce settled. And we finally break up at the end of the month. Most of March is spent on again/off again. April and May are nasty. June is spent trying to save our friendship. His kids come into town at the end of June and we introduce the kids to each other, spend a few days with them. On July 5th we go to a concert. After the concert, we accidentally meet up with a guy who we used to work with at a bar. My BF is convinced that I told this guy to meet us out and he literally LEAVES me at the bar in a fit of anger. We break up again. There is ZERO communication and while I am in San Diego with my kids...he is texting me. Saying he wishes I jsut needed him...etc...WHICH IS ALL I WANTED. I promise everyone on this board, I HAVE NEVER cheated or even come close. I even limit my male friends just in case...so there can be NO question. I call him from San Diego we talk about reconciling...neither of us is the same without the other. Talk about therapy and I basically tell him that this is it...if we get back together, its's for good.
So that was in July 07 here we are 7 months later. Pretty much all is ok. But over the past few months, I feel he's losing interest in me. Sex isn't the same, nor is it as often. I am the one always making the plans. He comes over fairly often--usually at the request of my kids who text him before we even get a chance to talk. Usually we chat in the morning, once during the day and at night and before we go to bed. The tone in his voice vary's...sometimes he's calling me the most beautiful woman in the world and others he sounds like he'd rather be having a root canal. A few fridays ago he was having drinks with people from work and we were going to get together. After 4 hours, i finally call him and he's just leaving. Of course I'm upset as I haven't eaten and have no idea what our plans are. He gets upset saying we had no concrete plans and I should relax. Then follows it up with some guys from work want to go have dinner and if we aren't going to do anything is it ok if he goes. I'm mad, the night is ruined so i say sure. The next day, I want to chat with him but i get a call from a gf of mine who says she saw him in her building with two girls on Friday. When I confront him he says they were walking through the building as one of them lives there...the other is a good friend of his that we both used to work with and that his buddy from work is trying to get with his friend and he was JUST walking them back after dinner. I am upset...but again...trust...so i go on.
Last Saturday, he tells me he made plans with his guy friend to go have drinks. This Saturday his married friend whose wife is out of town needs to get out and he's going out with him. He took my daughters and I out to a great dinner on Friday night.
When I discuss this with him yesterday, he says that we are not married and that he is well within his rights to hang out with his friends. He says he didn't do anything wrong and that he's committed to this relationship. We got into a huge fight. He says that if I am looking for someone like my ex-husband that I should just go back to him because he's not that guy...tells me that I am not going to domesticate him...tells me he has nothing to prove to me....tells me that all i want is to get married and he is fine where we are....tells me I keep rehashing things and that if I don't know where we are by now, that he doesn't know what else to do. At the end of this conversation, I feel like maybe I'm crazy...maybe this is how boyfriends are...remember I was married for 12 years...didn't date much before that. I'm thinking maybe I don't know how to be a girlfriend...
Last night again, I tell him that I just want to know if he feels differently about things...that if he does, i just want to know. Again he says no, that this is where he wants to be.
Here's the problem....I don't feel right. I feel that after two years together, Saturday night at the clubs just isn't appropriate. Granted this is relatively new behavior...he hasn't been doing this for seven months. But it's not ok with me. I had never truly felt love until i met him. My daughters are exrememly close to him. He goes to all of their games, gives them advice...is wonderful with them. Am I asking for too much? Am I acting wifely? I am going to see him tonight and don't know whether I should just follow my instinct and end it or jump into his arms and kiss him all night. Where there is smoke there is fire, I know, but when we have broken up before I am in such bad shape...can't get out of bed, can't eat, don't sleep.

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Hello-
First off...Welcome. I hope you find all the advice and support you need here. It's a wonderful bunch of great people.
I too was married for 12 years. Comfortably numb, and not "in love" either and so I know where you where coming from. After my divorce I began dating and it was very hard sometimes to distinguish what is "right or wrong" when dating. Heck- I had not dated in 13 years! I too would question myself when issues arose. I would ask myself if I was over reacting and if I just did not know how to date or understand men these days.
I found that listening to the inner voice was very valuable. When something feel wrong, it needs attention, and needs your validation. I agree with your words- where there is smoke there is fire. Listen to your gut.
I also learned fro talking things out with friends. When you get your feelings out there for others to see (as you have done with friends and as you are by sharing here) it give you a more objective view and perspective which is what you need when you question your own reactions.
Your friends seem to have an opinion about him and just from what you have written here I can see their concern. There are red flags. He is more distant and going out with the guys more. The issue with the two girls a few weeks ago. All together I would be wary, and you have every right in the world to be concerned and to talk this out, question him, open the dialogue. Do not be guilted into silence. You're talking about your happiness and future..and your children are involved. It would be so much better to determine the end of the relationship now rather than later, as they will become more involved and invested as well.
It's an important topic and if you sweep it under the rug I imagine it will only cause resentment and insecurities. I would talk to him and be clear about what a relation ship means to you. Saturday nights out with the boys becoming more frequent is outside of your comfort zone (as it would be for me and most women I know in committed relationships). If he is not ready to see this and to come to terms with you and compromise (a boys night out every now and then..OK) then he is not at a point to commit, and you can go on and find someone who is.
I know your heart wants to make things right and you will miss the relationship if it must end. But you can not change him if this is who he is. You will find out through and open conversation..
((((hugs)))) keep us posted, OK?
Again, a warm welcome :o)
Not only do I see the red flags that Pacific wrote out, but the fact that he lied about being divorced is a huge one. That means he has no problem being a dishonest person. And didn't you say he had a "girlfriend" but yet wasn't divorced yet? So was the girlfriend really the mistress, were you the mistress of the girlfriend? Are you catching on?
Secondly, it does seem that you might be making him feel like he's married. You kids aren't his kids. I don't know how I would feel if his kids were calling me and more on a communication level then I was. Don't they have a Dad in the picture? Maybe he's feeling extremely pressured. Maybe he's testing the waters now that's he's officially free. Maybe you are trying to get him into another family situation that he's not ready for and the more you push or put the pressure on the more he's going to distance himself.
Honestly, I think he's going out on dates and using the guy thing as an excuse. Been there done that. However, it's obvious you have had gut instincts about his real intentions with things, otherwise, you would never have checked his emails or otherwise. Go with your gut instinct. I guarantee you aren't far from the truth. Whatever that might be.
And no, a guy shouldn't be out clubbing unless he's looking for another hook up someplace else.
I know your girls must love him but they love you more. So YOU need to love you more too.
I am sorry for the heartbreak and I know it is hard to hear but you might just be better off without him. Dont you ever wonder about that? If you could get past the first few weeks of hell - we've all been there- and get back up on your feet, might you be better without him?
If you do want to talk marriage and he is fine the way things are where is this going? Nowhere good IMO. I have been there too and it isnt fun. He should have an idea now about where he envisions this going and what your future together looks like. And IMO he should be more than willing to muse with you about it even if it makes him a tad nervous. It should be a happy thing to think about your future together even if you are jittery and have been played in the past. He is either capable of making the leap or not.
Some of what you wrote reminded me of one totally commitment phobic ( meaning marriage or living together) bf I had for over two years. I swear he would say anything he needed to to just convince me he was committed but that his version was different than mine. That my expectations were outside the box. That I was ruffling things for nothing. Why couldnt I just be happy with what we had? I would get dizzy and think I was crazy and then let it go. He is still single, in his mid forties, no kids, living down the street in a studio with his tiny dog. I am living inside the committed relationship I always wanted. I am only sorry it took me 2+ years to figure him out. He only wanted to grace his life with me for as long as I would allow it. I know that sounds harsh and possibly conceited but not only is it true, he might even admit to it. I just dont think he wanted the full intimacy of a committed existence with someone. AND according to his stories, he always paired himself with people who did and to me that is foul play. Because then he got the benefits of a gf who looks at a future together but the security that he would hold off and just enjoy things as it lasted. I even think he loved me but I have learned that doesnt matter when it comes to things like this.
Please be smart with your heart and the hearts of your girls.
Thanks so much for your words. I would like more, but i don't need to be married. I'd love to live with him. Again, he says he's as committed as if we were married. I have been with him almost two years.
Part of this is on me...I think that since for the first time ever I feel REAL love, I feel I deserve it. I almost don't want to let go of it because while I was married I didn't feel it.
I want to do the right thing for everyone involved. I think for him as well he truly loves me and may not be ready for this level of committment. I suppose the tough thing is understanding when a guy is ready since there isn't a formula.
He's going on a series of trips this month so I may ride it out to see if absence will reignite something. Otherwise, I may need to do something I really don't want to do
Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!
Through the years I think the one thing I have learned about relationships is that you have to communicate for anything to work.
April
Thank you.
I saw him last night and this morning and I tell you, something is different in his eyes. I have repeatedly asked him if something is wrong and he continues to say no.
I don't want to pull the plug prematurely, but I also don't want to have this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I really feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I end it, I will feel guilty, thinking I gave up on my heart...but if for some chance he ends it, I will be angry I didn't follow my gut.
So how do I do this? Part of me feels like he's just waiting for me to do it so that he's off the hook.
Edited 2/12/2008 3:21 pm ET by brunette4
The GUT is NEVER wrong!!! Believe me.
You have already been warned by one person that he's been "seen".
Instead of just asking if there is something wrong, is it possible for you to say "this is what looks like is happening and I was just wondering if I am I am completely off base"?
April
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