I typically am not such a pushover
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| Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:08pm |
Ok all-new to this board and really need some advice.
I'll start from the beginning (sorry if the post gets too long). I was comfortably married for 12 years (I say comfortably, because while I loved my H, I wasn't really IN love with him. After a medical scare at 32 for me where he was emotionally not there for me, I mentally dropped out of my marriage. A year later (while still married) I met a man at work, one whom I became friends with. We thought the friendship was safe--we weren't each other's types--but after some months...feelings developed. My husband and I were in MC, that didin't work. He eventually moved out and we were divorced.
I started dating my friend immediately. May 2006. We were perfect for each other. Same interests, goals, same work field, incredible sexual chemistry. We were inseperable. Took some trips, just thought everything was progressing nicely. He had a girlfriend at the time we started dating, but he broke it off with her immediately. For some time, however, she was still sending texts, calling, etc. It was making me uncomfortable and he said he would handle it. Last Feb (07) I was just not convinved. I logged into his email (worst mistake anyone can ever do) and found a message from to/from his exwife...or should I say STILL wife. It was about them moving forward with their divorce blah blah. I was shocked. He told me he had been divorced for two years. When I confronted him on it, he said it was embrrassing, that he though she had filed the papers, that she never did and when he found out about it, he was too embarrassed to tell me. Promised it had long been over. The kicker here is that she lives in another state and he flew home once a month to see his kids (and YES stayed in her house). So after much talking, I believe the story and we move on.
Somehow, later that month, we just go through an array of arguments--much I believe that stemmed from fights he was having getting the divorce settled. And we finally break up at the end of the month. Most of March is spent on again/off again. April and May are nasty. June is spent trying to save our friendship. His kids come into town at the end of June and we introduce the kids to each other, spend a few days with them. On July 5th we go to a concert. After the concert, we accidentally meet up with a guy who we used to work with at a bar. My BF is convinced that I told this guy to meet us out and he literally LEAVES me at the bar in a fit of anger. We break up again. There is ZERO communication and while I am in San Diego with my kids...he is texting me. Saying he wishes I jsut needed him...etc...WHICH IS ALL I WANTED. I promise everyone on this board, I HAVE NEVER cheated or even come close. I even limit my male friends just in case...so there can be NO question. I call him from San Diego we talk about reconciling...neither of us is the same without the other. Talk about therapy and I basically tell him that this is it...if we get back together, its's for good.
So that was in July 07 here we are 7 months later. Pretty much all is ok. But over the past few months, I feel he's losing interest in me. Sex isn't the same, nor is it as often. I am the one always making the plans. He comes over fairly often--usually at the request of my kids who text him before we even get a chance to talk. Usually we chat in the morning, once during the day and at night and before we go to bed. The tone in his voice vary's...sometimes he's calling me the most beautiful woman in the world and others he sounds like he'd rather be having a root canal. A few fridays ago he was having drinks with people from work and we were going to get together. After 4 hours, i finally call him and he's just leaving. Of course I'm upset as I haven't eaten and have no idea what our plans are. He gets upset saying we had no concrete plans and I should relax. Then follows it up with some guys from work want to go have dinner and if we aren't going to do anything is it ok if he goes. I'm mad, the night is ruined so i say sure. The next day, I want to chat with him but i get a call from a gf of mine who says she saw him in her building with two girls on Friday. When I confront him he says they were walking through the building as one of them lives there...the other is a good friend of his that we both used to work with and that his buddy from work is trying to get with his friend and he was JUST walking them back after dinner. I am upset...but again...trust...so i go on.
Last Saturday, he tells me he made plans with his guy friend to go have drinks. This Saturday his married friend whose wife is out of town needs to get out and he's going out with him. He took my daughters and I out to a great dinner on Friday night.
When I discuss this with him yesterday, he says that we are not married and that he is well within his rights to hang out with his friends. He says he didn't do anything wrong and that he's committed to this relationship. We got into a huge fight. He says that if I am looking for someone like my ex-husband that I should just go back to him because he's not that guy...tells me that I am not going to domesticate him...tells me he has nothing to prove to me....tells me that all i want is to get married and he is fine where we are....tells me I keep rehashing things and that if I don't know where we are by now, that he doesn't know what else to do. At the end of this conversation, I feel like maybe I'm crazy...maybe this is how boyfriends are...remember I was married for 12 years...didn't date much before that. I'm thinking maybe I don't know how to be a girlfriend...
Last night again, I tell him that I just want to know if he feels differently about things...that if he does, i just want to know. Again he says no, that this is where he wants to be.
Here's the problem....I don't feel right. I feel that after two years together, Saturday night at the clubs just isn't appropriate. Granted this is relatively new behavior...he hasn't been doing this for seven months. But it's not ok with me. I had never truly felt love until i met him. My daughters are exrememly close to him. He goes to all of their games, gives them advice...is wonderful with them. Am I asking for too much? Am I acting wifely? I am going to see him tonight and don't know whether I should just follow my instinct and end it or jump into his arms and kiss him all night. Where there is smoke there is fire, I know, but when we have broken up before I am in such bad shape...can't get out of bed, can't eat, don't sleep.

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Thanks April-
I did this Sunday. Asked him if his feelings about our relationship were any different...Answer --NO. Asked him if with me is where he wanted to be...ANSWER -- YES.
He continues to say that he wants me, wants us and is committed...one day at a time. I suppose it's me, then...thinking that at the two year mark, we would be further than one day at a time.
I definately don't think the problem is you!!
April
I appreciate your 2cents worth! And believe me...I hear you! I am not one of those typical "but I love him" type of women.
I do believe there is a certain dishonesty in his personallity..he seems to be a little white lie-er. I think we all have that in us. As hard as we try not to.
Is it wrong for me not to break up with him because I think that's what he wants? Kinda like he doesn't want to be the bad guy and figures that if he is distant enough that I'll walk out of the relationship?
I feel so silly for even typing this stuff. I am a 35 yr old successful woman...can't believe I am so stupid over a guy.
LOL...Good. Bad...but good.
So what do I do....give him what he wants and just walk out? There seeems to be no gratification for me there. Walk away from the man that I love). I've seen what's out there....
This really sucks.
"Is it wrong for me not to break up with him because I think that's what he wants? Kinda like he doesn't want to be the bad guy and figures that if he is distant enough that I'll walk out of the relationship?"
YES--it is wrong--you would be delaying the inevitable and why do that?
April
Yes, walk away and take a break from dating...from the sounds of it you jumped into this pretty quickly after the divorce (well, before it was final!)--take some time out for you!!
April
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this uncertainty. After two years no doubt your heart is invested. You are not stupid or weak to be feeling this way. It's natural.. Now what you do from here on out will define you.
He gives you practically one word answers without a lot of talking about the relationship, I gather. That might be fine for him but it's not for you. You need and deserve open communications. The relationship falters without the openness. You can only do what you can do..attempt to talk which you have. You might try more open ended questions, nothing he can just say yes or no to. Tell him you need to talk, it's vital to your relationship.
I see the red flags too. And I hate to say that because I know for me I would have a very hard time accepting them. My suggestion would be to be honest with your feelings objectively and without an over load of emotion (someone on this board earlier today suggested cue cards because it separates you form the feelings that often accompany emotionally loaded topics.
Bottom line- say what your heart feels openly and request his input. You feelings of wanting to move forward more openly and more of a commitment (his not going out) are totally justified because they are your feelings. If he does not feel the same, then it is your best opportunity to cut and run. You don;t need to waste years in waiting. Red flags say he might not be worth waiting for. I'm sorry-
But you are worth looking out for YOU and your needs.
soooooo, you've seen whats out there! Look what you have? Is that any better? I don't think so. Either you finally do detective work and get to the bottom of it or you just stay in the situation you are in. Like I said, you don't have to confront him, but I would find other ways to get to the bottom of it. It may be evil, but in all reality, you have three choices:
You find out the truth (good or bad), but don't let him know. You made that mistake once before.
You let yourself get hurt by staying in the relationship and doing nothing, but you'll be eventually replaced. I bet you he's making sure that the other bed is warm first before replacing you completely.
Three you just walk.
Edited 2/12/2008 4:20 pm ET by myprecioustwo
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