I typically am not such a pushover
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| Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:08pm |
Ok all-new to this board and really need some advice.
I'll start from the beginning (sorry if the post gets too long). I was comfortably married for 12 years (I say comfortably, because while I loved my H, I wasn't really IN love with him. After a medical scare at 32 for me where he was emotionally not there for me, I mentally dropped out of my marriage. A year later (while still married) I met a man at work, one whom I became friends with. We thought the friendship was safe--we weren't each other's types--but after some months...feelings developed. My husband and I were in MC, that didin't work. He eventually moved out and we were divorced.
I started dating my friend immediately. May 2006. We were perfect for each other. Same interests, goals, same work field, incredible sexual chemistry. We were inseperable. Took some trips, just thought everything was progressing nicely. He had a girlfriend at the time we started dating, but he broke it off with her immediately. For some time, however, she was still sending texts, calling, etc. It was making me uncomfortable and he said he would handle it. Last Feb (07) I was just not convinved. I logged into his email (worst mistake anyone can ever do) and found a message from to/from his exwife...or should I say STILL wife. It was about them moving forward with their divorce blah blah. I was shocked. He told me he had been divorced for two years. When I confronted him on it, he said it was embrrassing, that he though she had filed the papers, that she never did and when he found out about it, he was too embarrassed to tell me. Promised it had long been over. The kicker here is that she lives in another state and he flew home once a month to see his kids (and YES stayed in her house). So after much talking, I believe the story and we move on.
Somehow, later that month, we just go through an array of arguments--much I believe that stemmed from fights he was having getting the divorce settled. And we finally break up at the end of the month. Most of March is spent on again/off again. April and May are nasty. June is spent trying to save our friendship. His kids come into town at the end of June and we introduce the kids to each other, spend a few days with them. On July 5th we go to a concert. After the concert, we accidentally meet up with a guy who we used to work with at a bar. My BF is convinced that I told this guy to meet us out and he literally LEAVES me at the bar in a fit of anger. We break up again. There is ZERO communication and while I am in San Diego with my kids...he is texting me. Saying he wishes I jsut needed him...etc...WHICH IS ALL I WANTED. I promise everyone on this board, I HAVE NEVER cheated or even come close. I even limit my male friends just in case...so there can be NO question. I call him from San Diego we talk about reconciling...neither of us is the same without the other. Talk about therapy and I basically tell him that this is it...if we get back together, its's for good.
So that was in July 07 here we are 7 months later. Pretty much all is ok. But over the past few months, I feel he's losing interest in me. Sex isn't the same, nor is it as often. I am the one always making the plans. He comes over fairly often--usually at the request of my kids who text him before we even get a chance to talk. Usually we chat in the morning, once during the day and at night and before we go to bed. The tone in his voice vary's...sometimes he's calling me the most beautiful woman in the world and others he sounds like he'd rather be having a root canal. A few fridays ago he was having drinks with people from work and we were going to get together. After 4 hours, i finally call him and he's just leaving. Of course I'm upset as I haven't eaten and have no idea what our plans are. He gets upset saying we had no concrete plans and I should relax. Then follows it up with some guys from work want to go have dinner and if we aren't going to do anything is it ok if he goes. I'm mad, the night is ruined so i say sure. The next day, I want to chat with him but i get a call from a gf of mine who says she saw him in her building with two girls on Friday. When I confront him he says they were walking through the building as one of them lives there...the other is a good friend of his that we both used to work with and that his buddy from work is trying to get with his friend and he was JUST walking them back after dinner. I am upset...but again...trust...so i go on.
Last Saturday, he tells me he made plans with his guy friend to go have drinks. This Saturday his married friend whose wife is out of town needs to get out and he's going out with him. He took my daughters and I out to a great dinner on Friday night.
When I discuss this with him yesterday, he says that we are not married and that he is well within his rights to hang out with his friends. He says he didn't do anything wrong and that he's committed to this relationship. We got into a huge fight. He says that if I am looking for someone like my ex-husband that I should just go back to him because he's not that guy...tells me that I am not going to domesticate him...tells me he has nothing to prove to me....tells me that all i want is to get married and he is fine where we are....tells me I keep rehashing things and that if I don't know where we are by now, that he doesn't know what else to do. At the end of this conversation, I feel like maybe I'm crazy...maybe this is how boyfriends are...remember I was married for 12 years...didn't date much before that. I'm thinking maybe I don't know how to be a girlfriend...
Last night again, I tell him that I just want to know if he feels differently about things...that if he does, i just want to know. Again he says no, that this is where he wants to be.
Here's the problem....I don't feel right. I feel that after two years together, Saturday night at the clubs just isn't appropriate. Granted this is relatively new behavior...he hasn't been doing this for seven months. But it's not ok with me. I had never truly felt love until i met him. My daughters are exrememly close to him. He goes to all of their games, gives them advice...is wonderful with them. Am I asking for too much? Am I acting wifely? I am going to see him tonight and don't know whether I should just follow my instinct and end it or jump into his arms and kiss him all night. Where there is smoke there is fire, I know, but when we have broken up before I am in such bad shape...can't get out of bed, can't eat, don't sleep.

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Someone recently posted something like "I never thought it should be this hard" and those in very good, very solid relationships responded with something along the lines of "when it is right, it's not hard."
April
"Jenny from Steak and Shake" for the longest time that is what I called her in a sing-song voice to my friends--I only stopped when my daughter got old enough to understand and I realized that I was still harboring anger for this women who he is now married to...I am no longer hurt or angry--they are perfect for each other and are still very happily together!
April
April, I remember you once telling the stroy about how you have accepted or rather at least no longer harboring anger at what has happened. That's amazing to me and by far you are a better woman than I.
I would most likely forever make fun of the whole Steak and Shake girl thing due to my bitterness. But you let that go for your DD....which is incredibly admirable IMO.
I said it before and I'll say it again, You're awesome.
Pac Sun --
You words are very kind. I do need more. Again...I don't need him to marry me, but I do want to take the next step and live together. I guess I've never believed in ultimatums. Live with me or I walk. But I would like to know that in 6 or 7 months we'd be headed that way. I guess the real reason to walk here is that we are on different pages. I am ready for more...he isn't.
I am not the type of person who takes enjoyment from being single. I am independent and all of that other blah blah stuff, but I like a man in my life...not any man...but the man; which is what I thought I had with him. The thought of not having that is excruciating. I remember my ex husband stating that he was so miserable after our divorce.
I think we are all pretty wonderful here on this board but, thank you nonetheless!
April
I must say...you have all been so kind. This board is really helping me vocalize my feelings.
I cannot express enough how wonderful this is. I hope one day to be the one in a great relationship offering advice to others on this board!
Gosh I wish I could say more to make things easier or more clear in your mind. That muddled place of uncertainly is sheer pain.
Give it some thought. Think ahead what you want and need to say. Stay true to your feelings when you speak to him and don't stop in fear of losing him. If he's not ready to be on the same page with you and move forward, you have your answer. I don't necessarily believe in ultimatums either, I do however believe in personal boundaries about what you can and can not take in a realtionship. You're entitled to that-
((((Hugs))) Please let us know how things go-
I would encourage to slowly somehow first think of how you are going to let your children know. Under no circumstances should they be calling him anymore. This to me is the hardest to do. Not the break up, but the children's feelings. They will feel the loss and you can all comfort yourselves together. However, once you break, you have to break. It is no longer to keep friendship or anything for the kids sake, etc.
I know how you are feeling, because I've been through it
he says he's as committed as if we were married.
That's a nice sentiment on the surface.
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