I typically am not such a pushover

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
I typically am not such a pushover
37
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:08pm

Ok all-new to this board and really need some advice.


I'll start from the beginning (sorry if the post gets too long). I was comfortably married for 12 years (I say comfortably, because while I loved my H, I wasn't really IN love with him. After a medical scare at 32 for me where he was emotionally not there for me, I mentally dropped out of my marriage. A year later (while still married) I met a man at work, one whom I became friends with. We thought the friendship was safe--we weren't each other's types--but after some months...feelings developed. My husband and I were in MC, that didin't work. He eventually moved out and we were divorced.


I started dating my friend immediately. May 2006. We were perfect for each other. Same interests, goals, same work field, incredible sexual chemistry. We were inseperable. Took some trips, just thought everything was progressing nicely. He had a girlfriend at the time we started dating, but he broke it off with her immediately. For some time, however, she was still sending texts, calling, etc. It was making me uncomfortable and he said he would handle it. Last Feb (07) I was just not convinved. I logged into his email (worst mistake anyone can ever do) and found a message from to/from his exwife...or should I say STILL wife. It was about them moving forward with their divorce blah blah. I was shocked. He told me he had been divorced for two years. When I confronted him on it, he said it was embrrassing, that he though she had filed the papers, that she never did and when he found out about it, he was too embarrassed to tell me. Promised it had long been over. The kicker here is that she lives in another state and he flew home once a month to see his kids (and YES stayed in her house). So after much talking, I believe the story and we move on.


Somehow, later that month, we just go through an array of arguments--much I believe that stemmed from fights he was having getting the divorce settled. And we finally break up at the end of the month. Most of March is spent on again/off again. April and May are nasty. June is spent trying to save our friendship. His kids come into town at the end of June and we introduce the kids to each other, spend a few days with them. On July 5th we go to a concert. After the concert, we accidentally meet up with a guy who we used to work with at a bar. My BF is convinced that I told this guy to meet us out and he literally LEAVES me at the bar in a fit of anger. We break up again. There is ZERO communication and while I am in San Diego with my kids...he is texting me. Saying he wishes I jsut needed him...etc...WHICH IS ALL I WANTED. I promise everyone on this board, I HAVE NEVER cheated or even come close. I even limit my male friends just in case...so there can be NO question. I call him from San Diego we talk about reconciling...neither of us is the same without the other. Talk about therapy and I basically tell him that this is it...if we get back together, its's for good.


So that was in July 07 here we are 7 months later. Pretty much all is ok. But over the past few months, I feel he's losing interest in me. Sex isn't the same, nor is it as often. I am the one always making the plans. He comes over fairly often--usually at the request of my kids who text him before we even get a chance to talk. Usually we chat in the morning, once during the day and at night and before we go to bed. The tone in his voice vary's...sometimes he's calling me the most beautiful woman in the world and others he sounds like he'd rather be having a root canal. A few fridays ago he was having drinks with people from work and we were going to get together. After 4 hours, i finally call him and he's just leaving. Of course I'm upset as I haven't eaten and have no idea what our plans are. He gets upset saying we had no concrete plans and I should relax. Then follows it up with some guys from work want to go have dinner and if we aren't going to do anything is it ok if he goes. I'm mad, the night is ruined so i say sure. The next day, I want to chat with him but i get a call from a gf of mine who says she saw him in her building with two girls on Friday. When I confront him he says they were walking through the building as one of them lives there...the other is a good friend of his that we both used to work with and that his buddy from work is trying to get with his friend and he was JUST walking them back after dinner. I am upset...but again...trust...so i go on.


Last Saturday, he tells me he made plans with his guy friend to go have drinks. This Saturday his married friend whose wife is out of town needs to get out and he's going out with him. He took my daughters and I out to a great dinner on Friday night.


When I discuss this with him yesterday, he says that we are not married and that he is well within his rights to hang out with his friends. He says he didn't do anything wrong and that he's committed to this relationship. We got into a huge fight. He says that if I am looking for someone like my ex-husband that I should just go back to him because he's not that guy...tells me that I am not going to domesticate him...tells me he has nothing to prove to me....tells me that all i want is to get married and he is fine where we are....tells me I keep rehashing things and that if I don't know where we are by now, that he doesn't know what else to do. At the end of this conversation, I feel like maybe I'm crazy...maybe this is how boyfriends are...remember I was married for 12 years...didn't date much before that. I'm thinking maybe I don't know how to be a girlfriend...


Last night again, I tell him that I just want to know if he feels differently about things...that if he does, i just want to know. Again he says no, that this is where he wants to be.


Here's the problem....I don't feel right. I feel that after two years together, Saturday night at the clubs just isn't appropriate. Granted this is relatively new behavior...he hasn't been doing this for seven months. But it's not ok with me. I had never truly felt love until i met him. My daughters are exrememly close to him. He goes to all of their games, gives them advice...is wonderful with them. Am I asking for too much? Am I acting wifely? I am going to see him tonight and don't know whether I should just follow my instinct and end it or jump into his arms and kiss him all night. Where there is smoke there is fire, I know, but when we have broken up before I am in such bad shape...can't get out of bed, can't eat, don't sleep.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 6:21pm

yes, this comment bothered me too.
"he says he's as committed as if we were married."
I have been gone most of the day but all of these posts today were fantastic and I soooo relate to her story and feel for her too.

My reaction to that quote is just this. He is in no way acting like he is as committed as if they were married. They arent even living together. He seems to be hesitating even at that. Wanting a future and making bold blanket statements doesnt a commitment make for goodness sake. Unless his marriages looked like this too. That might be a thought actually. Were they?

I agree also about havng a sit down with the kids. They need to know and the break has to be clean. It sounds like there has been considerable straggling already just inside the relationship and kids always do better with black and whites.

We all really feel for you here because most of us have lived this at least once. We hope you are the one later in the great relationship too! You deserve it and so do the kids...

Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 1:12pm

Thanks again for all your help.


I almost had "The Talk" last night, however we had plans with some friends of mine, and once we got back to his place, we watched the news...he was all normal! I literally sat there thinking...I must be completely nuts. Decided to sleep on it.


As far as the kids go, I have scaled back their time together. I don't want to tell them its over until it truly is. I don't want to do the Yo-Yo thing with them. In fact, they've never known that we broken up, so i want to keep it status quo until if/when I make that call. I'm making dinner for VDay tomorrow and originally I thought it would be so cute if they participated, however in light of recent events, I've opted to send them to my moms.


So I'll lay it on the line...to me,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:23pm

I've just been reading through your posts and had a few thoughts that I wanted to share.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:49pm
Well, I could have written the 1,2,3's. I don't think ALL of us could. Still doesn't mean I'll pick just anyone to share a warm bed with. Dont' take this as wrong or rude, I just don't really know what to say, because in all honesty we all feel like you do. None of us WANTS to be alone. I've been alone for 7 years. I've lost all hope. I don't even want to look anymore.... and I'm the kind that has NEVER EVER wanted to be alone. But I'll choose that anyday over misery or a cheating or dishonest man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:54pm
Angie, this should get post of the year - couldn't agree more. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest decision but it is far better in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 3:08pm

Not taking it as wrong or rude. I appreciate your candor. In fact, they are all words that have come out of my mouth at some point in time.


Believing you are making the right choice is the hardest thing ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 3:25pm

Thank you... like I said, I just hope I can put all of that into practice in the next relationship... whenever that may be.

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