I Want to Add This
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| Mon, 01-31-2005 - 3:39pm |
I want to post this as an addition to my other post. I wrote some of this in answer Catherine's question about what I did this weekend, but I know not everyone reads every response. And I think this will help explain my mood last night.
I got my period last Thursday, so I was hormonal. Then, I'm on medication for depression, and I forgot to take it the whole weekend. So it's really no wonder why I crashed Sunday night. The thing is, when I crash, I crash hard. And it takes a few days to get back to normal.
I have some very special feelings for Mark. If I didn't I would have never taken him back. I'm falling in love with him, and it scares me. After we left the club Friday night, we went to another smaller, quietier place where we could talk. I said to him, I want to tell you something", and he said "that you love me", and I laughed and said no then said whatever it was that I was talking about. I just can't tell him how I feel or that I'm scared. I really haven't told anyone, not even my sister. We talked about me meeting his family and him meeting my kids, and I just can't do it now. I told him that zI wasn't pressing anything and lets just go with the flow and see what happens. It's totally me. I have some trust issues that aren't resolved yet, and I don't feel like rushing anything right now. I don't count the 6 months we spent together before. We starting from square one, and it's too early for all of that for me right now. I just want to have fun, but in the process of having fun, I'm falling in love, which I didn't want to do. It just happened. I'm trying to hold onto my emotions, but that's really hard when there is so much stress all around me -- my recent job troubles, my kids at school. It's a little much to handle at times. And I'm trying to handle this relationship without getting all stupid in the head. But the heart tells a different story. I know I blew his comment way out of proportion. I think that just goes to show how much I care about him. Because if I didn't, I would be like -- too bad, see ya, and it's his loss. After all, I am an Irish Scorpio with an attitude and a hot temper. I've just never showed that side of myself, nor has Mark ever seen my "black hole depression" side either. And if I can at all help it, he never will. It's way too ugly.
It's ironic, but the last time, I was wanting to move things along quicker than they were and he was hesitating -- now it's the other way around. I can't really explain it other than that I don't want to get hurt again. I haven't been in love since my first boyfriend after my exh left, which was about 5 years ago. I'm just being honest because there's really no one I can talk to about this.
Donna

OMG! We even get our period on the same time! LOL! No wonder you are an emotional frack. As for being in love with Mark, you have been into the guy forever. Still, wait this all out a bit longer. Especially if you are like me and get uptight still with the slightest comment he makes. You'll want to go as slow as you can. Keep your emotions as geared down as possible. Will you alway plan on taking your Med's? If so, you might have Mark see a wild side of you that he will have to learn if he can deal or not. It's only fair. Most men, couldn't deal because me irrationality is WAY out of wack! Some, know me so well, that they accept me with horns and all. Try to write us everyday a little to let us push you along. That really helped me last weekend. You all were so terrific. I will lift you up again. Like I said, lets talk this weekend. Got time for me? I'll be at work tomorrow as well if you have time to throw some emails back and forth.
Love you,
cat
Part of your depression might be related to the time of year. I've noticed that I'm at my lowest during the last part of January and through February. That's also the coldest time of the year where I live.
I hope you feel better soon.
Donna,
I can understand your fear about not wanting to get hurt again. I know so many of us have been through so much pain here and we have all had bad experiences. I did post this to Catherine this weekend. Some days I feel very lonely and sad and like I have lived a thousand years.
But thousand years or not, I know I have picked myself up and I will survive and move forward. Life just moves forward and time waits for no man - so we don't have a choice do we?
Anyway, now you see that you have to keep up with your meds. At least that is something simple you can fix quite easily. And maybe you can watch the calendar better to manage the PMS thing better. I have tried to be more aware of that, too.
Anyway, back to your fear with Mark. I think you should be careful and hold your heart back to see what will happen. It is okay to make him work again to earn your trust. But this should not be done in a dramatic, manipulative manner. Just stay steady with yourself. Don't be negative. Please believe that you are a wonderful, kind, responsible human being that deserves to be loved, has a lot to offer and you will find it. You have to believe you are worth it and you will find it.
He came back to you after working through something in the past. You have him back and it sounds like he is into you. He doesn't sound like a player to me.
Don't be afraid to take a risk. It is better to have loved and been hurt than not to have loved at all. But the thing is you have to take a calculated risk. You have to be secure before you can take a risk - and I believe you are because you were fine before he came back into the picture. And there doesn't seem to be any red flags with him. So you have the best possible stack of cards. It would be better to go for a ride on the Mark train and have a train wreck than to sit home alone sad every weekend.
Be positive and it will work out. I think you will like my other post about managing your ex and your expectations for your ex's approval. Be thankful that Mark was honest with you regarding the nympho thing and encourage him to communicate in a way that doesn't hurt you.
Hugs to you my friend. I think you have a lot of better days ahead of you. Please believe that now.
>>>I know I blew his comment way out of proportion<<<
Maybe. But there is a very good reason that comment stung. I doubt it was intentional, but when you are feeling back to normal, and next time you are face to face, tell him that you are a little sensitive in that area since in your marriage you were not sexually compatible. Tell him that you want to know if he's not into sex at the moment you are, but also that if he thinks he is going to be unable to keep up with you, he needs to be honest with you about that because sex is important.
I agree with west about taking the risk. Do what you can to hold your heart back and keep taking it slow, and even if you can't, don't rush to let him know how strongly you are feeling. I think you are handling that part well. You may be afraid, but the risk might be worth it. If you get hurt, you will recover and move on, but if you don't take the risk, you'll never know. Also what west said about no apparent red flags, I agree with that too.
The job and being a good mom, those two you have (or will shortly have) under control, but PMS, not enough medication and falling in love all on top of that? No wonder you are feeling the way you do! Any of us would have a hard time dealing with all that at once.
First has great points here about not rushing to tell him how you feel. She also makes a great observation that you had a lot of craziness at once!!
I was thinking this morning that I wanted to add that you should not spend the WHOLE weekend with him - that is so overwhelming when you are trying to go slow. Maybe have a little less time so he misses you a little and you feel in control of your feelings. Don't fall just yet. Just hang on the edge if you can ;-)
HUGS!! How do you feel this morning?