i want committment and babies
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i want committment and babies
| Fri, 09-17-2004 - 8:18am |
i am 25 - single mom. my boyfriend of 2 years is totally a non-comittment type. lives with his parents. i want more kids - i have gracie already (4 years old and not his)... i guess that i need to dump him since there is no chance of committment anytime soon and even less of a chance of another baby. i am already bummed by the fact that she wont get to go to school with a sibling. has anyone else broken it off with someone who would not commit? only recently, when i started to realize how badly i want a baby, has it started to hurt so bad. any advice would be so appreciated. i need a hug over this. i feel like i am sick over the babies that i am not having.
amy
amy

I am sorry you are in such pain. It is hard to be with someone who doesn't want the things in life that you want. You don't give us too much information about yourself.
It sounds like you are disappointed that you didn't get a chance for another baby as soon as you wanted. And maybe the 4 year old going to school has brought about these feelings.
If you really want to be married and the boyfriend you are with now does not want to be married, or further still, doesn't want children, they you do have to decide to move on. You cannot change him - you can only change what you do.
I think you should take a look at yourself and see if you are all that you can be for the next person to come along. Are you financially stable and working on a future for you and your daughter? Take heart that you are still young and have lots of time for children. Gracie will enjoy the time with you and maybe it is not such a bad thing that she will be older and have had more mommy time before the next one comes along.
We all tend to paint a picture of what is the perfect life or scenario for our children. But the reality is that life doesn't work that way. You have to view what you have now as a blessing and do the best you can with the cards you were dealt.
I hope I have helped you somehow. I send you a hug today.
but now. i have a GREAT career in the field that i always wanted to be in. i pay my own bills AND have enough left over for dance classes (for Gracie - LOL!) and Dunkin Donuts on Saturday mornings (little things make life good). i am the oldest of 11 - my parents have been together since me (#1) so we are all full-siblings. my youngest sister is 5 and just started kindergarten. i think that seeing her head off to school with the 2 older boys has just really pained me. i always just assumed that i'd marry a great man and have 5ish close children - close in age and love. really never imagined that i'd be a not-college grad with a daughter to raise on my own. (like we can REALLY plan anything).
T and i have been DATING (i say this because he doesnt even live with me or sleep over consistantly) since last nov. i honestly think that we have been together so long because #1 - fl has so few young people. argh. #2 - i live in a small town. basically, ONE bar where the "young people" go on Sat nights. #3 - single mom = dating is damn near impossible.
i dont have a lot of friends. not like i dont have any - but they all "grew up and moved away". i honestly dont have a girlfriend within a 1 hour drive. so i think a lot of why i stayed with him is out of lonliness and for the sex - really really good sex. but after awhile reality has slapped me in the head. i asked him about marriage and babies yesterday. like if it is even foreseeable for him - and he said nothing. not a single word. argh. i know what i need to do but it is SO DAMN HARD not to call, email, or see him. i work for a general contractor (construction) and he works for our carpenter. so basically, if i go on the job, i see him. sucks major ass.
okay. that is good enough for now - but i really dont mind any questions or suggestions. i would appreciate anyone's POV.
amy
You sound like you are doing very good - and especially after all you have been through.
Well, I think you have to take some time to think about your relationship with T. Put aside your goals for getting married and having kids for a minute. Does T really have what it takes to be your life partner? I don't think you should accept someone based just on your 3 reasons below. Does he share the same life/parenting/money/inlaw/family values? Have similar interest/intelligence/energy levels?
How old is he? What is his family background?
You have to evaluate if he would want to get married in a reasonable amount of time to you. Maybe this hit him from left field and he had never thought of it - can you give him a little time to see what his reaction is? See what he thinks about it and then says?
I applaud you for dating and not living together - that is certainly a huge ball in your court.
I am hoping that all you need is a little time for him to sort out his thoughts. Otherwise you will have to give him the boot and keep looking.
I don't think it is hard to meet someone because you are a single mom - it is just plain hard to meet the right guy - I have seen this for so many of my friends - all ages - all circumstance.
((((Amy)))) - There's your hug girl! And welcome to the board.
And..I think you already have your answer. You are right. You need to move on. Honestly, especially since you are a responsible single mom, I can't see what
What if you meet the man of your dreams and he is sterile? Would you leave him then? That isn't real love.
So it should be about your relationship - not about having more children. JMO. If my boyfriend that I am not really with anymore (hehehe) said 'I don't want any more children" It would hurt yes but if the commitment otherwise was there I would stay. You have to decide but just beware - the father of my daughter is horrible and I can't even explain why I was with him at all except I WANTED TO HAVE A BABY. I didn't realize it then but I do think that was the main thrust of that relationship and it was the worst mistake I ever made. But then again the best. But no one wants just part of the dream.
However if your BF is just lazy and a loser - well you know what to do then.
(((((HUGS))))))))
L
Welcome to the board!
i broke it off with him on friday - under the pretense that i want a break and that i dont think we'll get back together. i feel great! gracie and i had a great weekend (despite most of it being a hurricane cleanup effort in my kitchen - which leaked thanks to frances). it was just nice to be the two of us again. i really treasure our little bits of time together. (horribly, i even like it when she crawls into my bed at 5AM). i didnt hit any lonely points and i didnt miss him. i think that has to do with me picturing the alternate option. pretty much, if i WAS with him, he'd be watching football ALL WEEKEND (the worst f word) at his damn mothers house. see, i like football, even played on the boys team in HS - but it is his total life - argh. i just am so glad that i finally got fed up. oh - and thank god - not during pms week so i have no second-guessing myself (hormones or what i really want?)
ps - money is not an issue with him, other than he has been spoiled his whole life - his parents STILL buy him clothes and PLAYSTATION GAMES for absolutely no reason. i understand this is spoiling a child, but isnt he supposed to be a man by now?! he makes enough money to live on his own, but he has made comments to the effect that living in something like my duplex (which i think is a nice one) is beneath him. (his parents live in a middle income house - totally not rich people, but he's spoiled). anyway. no more thinking about what a waste of time that was. OH!!!! FUNNY THING --
my friend helen just had a baby and was up late with bobby - the one month old - on sat night, so came by til like 1AM. T called at midnight to see how i was doing - riiiight. he was on his way back from his friends house. LOL! helen drives a huge truck and he had seen that and thought i was "entertaining" some guy! LOL! it was just funny. anyway. you are all wonderful and i will be sticking around. i have another question anyway which i will post shortly.
And your pickup story is fabulous. I am sure he is going bananas by now.
You did GREAT!! Way to go!! Keep us posted.
Sorry to hear you got damage from Frances. We still have our shutters up on the big windows but are fortunate we have had no real damage yet. Although there is the prospect of TS Lisa....
Hi Amy, he sounds like a BOY, and you sound like a strong woman.
Good for you!