I want him back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
I want him back!
6
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:56pm

Oh my gosh - I am so confused. I posted last week about breaking up with my boyfriend, who I also work with, because he seemed completely uninterested in my kids and he was very distant and had commitment issues. So when my dd asked if bf was mad at her her I freaked and broke up with him.

It has been so difficult working with him everyday but by the end of last week things seemed to be going well. We had a long 4 day weekend and he called me Monday morning to tell me that everyone at work now knows we split, which I already knew. He was obviously using that as an exuse to call me. He even apologized for calling me when he saw me at work this morning. He said it was hard to call me, but even harder not to.

We talked a little bit about things here and there at work today and he teared up on several occasions (he's a macho guy - so tears don't come easily for him), apologizing for his faults in the relationship. So tonight I was at the gym and I realized that maybe I was being too hard on him. I acted spoiled rotten during our relationship. I wanted all or nothing. He wouldn't give me a commitment, he wouldn't connect with my kids so I said goodbye, being completely insensitive to the fact that he had been through some serious heartbreak involving his ex-wife and her daughter. When the ex cheated on him and he divorced her she took the daughter from him, even though he'd been the only dad the little girl ever knew. He recently started seeing the daughter again, though, but obviously the guy's got issues and I'm not exusing him of how he treated me, but maybe I should have been less demanding. Ok, so he did make me pay for half of everything, but in all honesty I *offered* right from the beginning so he came to expect it only because I let him. And he was making an effort to work through his commitment issues. He'd make a point to call and come over. He tried to be more affectionate. But I just got mad because I didn't want him to make an effort. I wanted him to WANT to be loving.

So I left the gym right in the middle of my spinning class and rushed home to call him. I apologized for my part in our downfall, and it quickly turned into both of us crying but agreeing that we couldn't go on like we had. He was sick of my complaining about him all the time and I couldn't handle the fact that he pulled away so much. He just kept reinterating the reasons we couldn't be together so at one point I said "ok, I'll let you go then. I wanted closure and I guess I've got it now." He started crying again and said that I was confusing him and he doesn't know why I even called. I wanted to tell him that I want to get back together again, and it almost seemed like he wanted me to say it, even though he was so adamant about it not working. Or that could have been him thinking I was already done with the relationship and he was trying to put a good face on everything. So I didn't say it and we got off the phone on the note of him telling me that he did pull away from me, but not because he stopped loving me. He said he still loves me and he just got scared because he realized that what he felt for me was real. He also said that if the timing had been different (I started dating him only 4 months after leaving my husband, which explains my insecurities and spoiled brat demands) this probably would have lasted. He wishes he could change a lot about the last few months. I told him I wasn't ready to date when I started dating him. He agreed and said he thinks I'm probably ready now, because I seem more grounded and centered, but "you probably don't want to date me now," he said, letting it trail off. Me, the idiot that I am just let it go.

Oh, I don't know what to do. This guy had me so confused and frustrated I wanted to tear my hair out! But I love him and I want to be with him, even if just to give him a fair chance to work out his issues. I enjoyed spending time with him. He made me laugh. He looks at the world is such an interesting way and I respect him and admire him. But I couldn't be content with just that. I had to demand that he give me a commitment and be involved in my children's lives.

Why is it that time passes and suddenly the bad stuff isn't so bad anymore? Is it because the sensation is dulling, or did I really come to some sort of epiphany? If I do decide to try again with this relationship (and if I did he would have NO contact with my kids until I know it's solid), how do I approach him? How do I change his mind without reducing myself to groveling?

Oh, and this was my couple's horoscope today,according to Astrology.com:

"Sometimes love needs some stormy seas. It keeps passion alive -- and all this rough sailing builds character too. After you two weather this recent spate of events, your passion for each other will be reignited."

OMG - perfect right? And I read this AFTER tonight's drama. I'm sorry this is so long, but I appreciate the opportunity to vent. I'm open to any suggestions, or a good solid swat upside the head :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:54am

You have only been divorced for a very short time. You had an emotionally abusive marriage and you said that you had no friends or contact with the outside world. That is alot to have to deal with. You haven't even had time to heal and get your life on track. It takes at least a year to figure out who you are as a single parent.

If you latch onto the first man that comes into the picture, I can almost guarantee things will probably not work out. BTDT. This man obviously has issues. How long has he been divorced? It's gonna be tough to have an emotionally healthy relationship based on what you have posted.

You had to take money out of savings to pay for your half of dating expenses. Then you try to justify it by saying you offered. Well, I offered to pay half to my boyfriend and he had a fit. Also, if you can't tell him you can't afford it and the only way you can is to take it out of savings, then you are not being open and honest with him. I can't tell you how many times I have told friends that I can't go somewhere because I can't afford it.

I think you are lonely (who isn't when you first divorce) and really having a tough time breaking up since you still see each other every day. You need to take a step back and work on getting YOUR life in order. It sounds like you are willing to take alot of blame for the problems with him. I'm sorry, if you are considering groveling then you need to take a long hard look at why you want to be with him. Have you considered going to counseling? I did that when I first divorced. It sounds like you have alot of issues with yourself that professional guidance might be helpful. They are able to give you a healthy perspective on issues. When you are so close to a situation and emotions are involved there is NO WAY you are going to be able to be objective.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Try to put yourself and your children first!

Stephanie




Edited 7/6/2006 11:08 am ET by texas_mom1991
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:55am
Thank you...that was exactly the swat upside the head that I needed. And the temporary moment of insanity has passed. Sort of - but at least I know I'll get over it eventually. You are so right. I appreciate your candidness (sp?).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:02pm
I could write a novel on all the mistakes I made when I divorced. I hate to see people make the same mistakes. Trust me, I wish someone had swatted me in the head or kicked me in the butt first!!
Just remember to put YOU and your kids FIRST! Hang in there!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:06pm

Texasmom1991 is right. You cannot second guess yourself. Sex and companionship are a strong glue - and you feel the hole they left behind but that doesn't mean it is best to fill that hole with him again. Sure, you might not have been ready to date. But he was a jerk and it wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter WHY he was a jerk. Every jerk has an excuse. But he should not have made you pay for half of your stuff. And he should not have treated your kids that way.

Done is done. I know it is hard because you have to see him every day - but somehow you will have to make the best of it. And it will get better, I promise.

Work on your life now and make you and your kids the priority. You have learned a great many lessons with this and have come shining through with your good decision.

Smile smile smile.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 2:37pm

"Every jerk has an excuse"

So true! No one is a jerk just for the sake of being a jerk, except maybe the comic book villains. I hadn't really considered that and now I realize that there is no exuse for him treating me the way he did. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lostbee4
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:16pm

I am glad you see that you deserved more. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself - you were just the victim of dating too soon after a divorce and accepted crumbs. Plus it does take some time doing normal things to see what someone is about.

I was just thinking that you might find it easier at work if you can talk to him again and say that you just dated too soon after your divorce and put too much pressure on him and you enjoyed his company and hope you can just be coworker friends. I know there is much more to it than that and he was clearly in the wrong for his actions (although you allowed it) - but the reason I am saying this is because it puts you on the high road and takes the punch out of the rejection for him - and this will make it easier for you to work with him and get over it. Guys don't handle rejection that well and I don't want to see him doing hurtful things to you when you have to work there. And it is not that he is a bad guy - he is just not a good guy for you. I do hope he learned a lesson!!

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