I'd like everyone's opinion on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
I'd like everyone's opinion on this
14
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:29pm

I've been dating a single father who has an 8 year old daughter. His apartment is rather crowded as his mom and sister live with him. He does not have custody of his daughter but she comes over every weekend. Here is what concerns me. The other day I was talking to him and he mentioned that he wanted me to go shopping with him to pick out a "bunk bed" for him and his daughter. After questioning him further he told me that since the apartment is crowded, his mom sleeps in the living room and his daughter currently sleeps with him when she comes over on weekends. He said that it was time for her to get her own bed. So he felt that a bunk bed would be a good idea, since they don't have the room for her to have her own room, and two beds in the room would take up too much space. Correct me if I'm wrong but firstly I thought that an 8 year old girl should not be sharing the same bed as her father. Secondly it sounds ridiculous for a grown 30ish man to be contemplating sleeping in a bunk bed. I had mentioned to him before that he should let his mother and sister have his apartment and he should move out and get a new apartment with 2 bedrooms so his daughter could have her own room when she comes over. He said it's going to take him some time before he can move out and he refers to looking for an apartment as "a goal he needs to accomplish".

I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:39pm

My first thought is a man who can't afford to live away from his mom and sister would not be a man for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 9:49pm

I totally agree with everything Jennie is saying.

It does sound like bad timing for him to be in a relationship with anyone due to the circumstances - of course maybe there is a story that would indicate otherwise.

I am a proponent of the family bed so that doesn't bother me, either. I think it is much more prevalent than you think. Everyone sleeps better that way - especially when kids are young.

And perhaps it is so in this case because of the circumstances - maybe there was a lot of upheaval in the past or the present that warrants it.

You do have some research to do, fairydust. Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 10:04pm

Why is it that his mother and sister are living with him anyway?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:25pm

I've read all your responses and am appreciative. To clarify it was his apartment initially. His dad died and his mom who depended on her husband was left on a limited income. The dad left nothing for the mother. The mother gets a paltry social security check of $500 a month. The sister was evicted from her last apartment and seems to have a problem paying rent. He said he knows it sucks but he is all they have. There is not that much family around to help and he is all they have. The sister and mom take turns sharing the second bedroom. The first bedroom is his. So there is no room for his daughter .. except to sleep in his room. This is why he is getting the bunk bed. He said it drives him crazy having his mom and sister live there because it means he has no privacy for a relationship. He actually feels he is no position to be in a relationship because of his current living situation. He makes good money but pays a lot in child support. He has told me that he knows it would be unfair to ask me to wait but he likes me a lot and wants me to stick with him while he gets himself together. I hope this added information helps you in giving me more advice.

Thanks for all who responded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 3:26pm

The very first thing I think of is enabler. He is enabling his sister. It's not his problem that she can't pay rent.

That being said, if he and the mother and sister all combined their incomes, paltry as they may be, couldn't the three of them afford a bigger apartment? Maybe one with at least three bedrooms? Then the mother and sister could share a bedroom, THEY could have the bunkbeds, and he and his daughter could have their own. Or the daughter could share with the sister, when she's there. Or whatever.

I'm just saying, there are ways around this, if he really wanted there to be. I currently live with my parents because my father has a very serious health condition. I sold my house and moved in with them several moths ago to help them financially and physically. I don't have a lot of privacy, but I've found a way to make dating work for me, I just don't have men at my house. BUT- I'm not in a relationship, so I wouldn't have men at my house, anyway.

If I were to get in a relationship, though, I would explain the situation, and if the guy couldn't understand the fact that my father's very ill and my parents need me there, he wouldn't be right for me. The end of him. My family's way more important to me than any guy.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 3:46pm

Well at the very least I'd want to know if mom and sister are going to be in the same house for a long time, and if they are that is part of the decision on whether he's the right guy or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:19pm

I am working on stopping, dd starts out sleeping in her own room but she wakes almost every night and if I'm too sleepy she can sneak in there without me noticing."

Jennie, my dd (6) does this too!! She was worse when she was younger, and no way would I wake up when she 'sneaked in', but now it's usually only when she has a bad dream.
Her room is way too cold in the winter for her to sleep in it(unless I turn the heat up past 80 and I SO cannot afford that! :P), so she usually sleeps in my bed then.

I don't think that it's an issue for parents and children to sleep together. Of course, my dd will go to sleep in her own bed and stay there just fine, so it's not an "issue" of getting her out of my bed permanetly which is why it doesn't bother me so much. But I know it really bothers some people.

Fairy, you're in a tough situation. I would not be able to turn my family away either, but I would def ask them to contribute to a larger apartment or renting a house!! :P I know it's hard when we don't know all of the situation. I'm sure he's dealing with it the best he can for now, and as long as you are happy and okay with things I wouldn't stress. But if this is a BIG issue, then I'd seriously be talking to him about it. I'd be worried too about the future and if he is going to continue to feel the need to take care of them and how much of an 'enabler' he truly is. I feel really badly for his mother, though. That has to be really tough.

--snow, jumping in late

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:56pm

Uhm..Moody- you just contradicted yourself.
You said he is an enabler and isn't responsible to help out his sister and then you said your family is way more important to you than any guy.

Personally, I think she has found a wonderful guy with a heart of gold, a good dad and a man that was raised with solid family values. I say get the bunkbeds, help him put them together and do your best to bond with his daughter, his Mom and his sister. They are obviously 3 women that he loves very much and would do anything to help and care for. I think you have found a winner, good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 8:58pm

be10der, you're right, I guess. I wouldn't put my brother up indefinitely. He would be more than welcome to stay with me if he absolutely needed to and had a plan to get back on his feet. He would also be expected to contribute to the household expenses.

My parents are another story. They are my parents. My brother is no less family, technically, and this is totally my own opinion, and not anyone else's. We are all entitled to our own.

I'm not saying he's wrong or right for being an enabler- or that he necessarily is one, for that matter, it was my opinion, and I'm hardly qualified to make that call of someone I don't know. I'm not saying I'm not one, either. I'm also not saying he's not a great guy. We don't know the whole story- it's possible and probable that the sister does contribute to the household.

I guess what I was trying to say is that if the OP had issues with the daughter staying in the room, there were ways to work around it, like finding a bigger apartment, and having the aunt and daughter share.

If the mother and sister being there were really the issue, my opinion was that my mother would never come after a guy, but I wouldn't enable a sibling indefinitely, instead I'd try to help them become more independent. I guess I wasn't really clear enough.

Again, this is just my opinion, and it may not even be relevant in this case.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:38pm

Wow - this one is so tough to analyze. I agree that if he takes care of his family he is a good guy but at the same time I would worry he is not ready for a relationship and I would worry that I might add unnecessary burden to his life if he doesn't feel ready.

I think it is good that he helps his mom- but also agree that he needs a bigger apartment to accomodate everyone. I am not sure if I like the idea of his sister staying there indefinitely, though, but maybe in a bigger place she can help with the bills.

I think that I would want to find out what he thinks of all of this - what is his idea of a good solution? And of course what does the original poster want, too. Expectations can make or break a relationship. Each of us has to assess what we want and we should have the feeling that we are being matched with what we have to offer. If you don't think you can tolerate all of this it is okay to walk away or just to put it on hold for a while to let things get sorted out. Talking helps a lot.

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