I'd like everyone's opinion on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
I'd like everyone's opinion on this
14
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:29pm

I've been dating a single father who has an 8 year old daughter. His apartment is rather crowded as his mom and sister live with him. He does not have custody of his daughter but she comes over every weekend. Here is what concerns me. The other day I was talking to him and he mentioned that he wanted me to go shopping with him to pick out a "bunk bed" for him and his daughter. After questioning him further he told me that since the apartment is crowded, his mom sleeps in the living room and his daughter currently sleeps with him when she comes over on weekends. He said that it was time for her to get her own bed. So he felt that a bunk bed would be a good idea, since they don't have the room for her to have her own room, and two beds in the room would take up too much space. Correct me if I'm wrong but firstly I thought that an 8 year old girl should not be sharing the same bed as her father. Secondly it sounds ridiculous for a grown 30ish man to be contemplating sleeping in a bunk bed. I had mentioned to him before that he should let his mother and sister have his apartment and he should move out and get a new apartment with 2 bedrooms so his daughter could have her own room when she comes over. He said it's going to take him some time before he can move out and he refers to looking for an apartment as "a goal he needs to accomplish".

I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:48am

I understand your situation and I know there's nothing I can do for you, but I can listen when you need to vent :)
I agree that taking care of your parents is long forgotten part of our history and our selfish society would rather just not be bothered by it. We look on people as if they are martyrs if they manage to call their parents once a month. I think it's a shame and I salute you for being there for them in their time of need. The world could use more responsible people like you.

I also agree with you about the sister being required to help with expenses but if she was evicted for not paying her own rent...well, I don't see much financial contribution coming from her.
My youngest sister moved in with me when her husband died and I put mine out on the curb with the rest of the trash.
It worked out great. She babysat for me and I paid her and she took responsibility for her share of the bills. Our kids turned out fine so far- my 4 boys and her daughter, affectionately known as the adorable horrible (any parent who has been through the hormone imbalance with a teen girl can appreciate the nickname :)
She met a super sweet man two years ago and they're shacked up together. The best part is she lives 2 miles from me so we are still very close. I gave her all the support and encouragement she needed to get through her hard times and she did more than her share around here. I don't know what I would have done without her.
Hopefully this mans sister will at least pull her fair share around the house and get a job to help with the bills. Maybe then they can afford a larger apartment!
Until then, she'll just have to shag him at her place lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:02pm

<>

I love this!! I have my own adorable horrible, only I call her Princess Spasticka. That nickname will probably be revised when she's actually 14, and not just trying to act it. (she's 4 now)

As far as living with my siblings, I only have one brother, and we've never been terribly close. That being said, if he needed me, I'd be there- but I don't know if we could actually live together for an extended amount of time, since we're just not that close. I just know it probably wouldn't ever come to that- probably.

Of course, no one ever thought it would come to this with my parents, either. So, there you have it.

And, I'm not trying to be a martyr. I'm just doing what I want to do. I do what I can for my parents because that's what's in my heart. Do I expect the rest of the world to do the same for thier families? Absolutely not. To each his own. Will my children do the same for me if I ever need them to? Who knows- but I certainly hope so, because I hope I'm leading by example. I certainly don't complain about it- to anyone, and that's definitely not my intent by posting about it here.

In any case, everyone's situation is obviously different, and everyone has to do what's right for them. I hope I'm making the right choices for my children, and I know that only time will tell. But, I do know that I can say I'm absolutely doing the best that I can for everyone involved.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:14pm
<> But if you need to vent, I can relate. I know it's not easy, I nursed my Mom through her illness to her grave, at the same time I was raising small children and working a full time job. My oldest sister, the traitor, lived just a few miles further away- is a stay at home mom and never lifted a finger to help me.I've often thought that she probably felt guilt ridden about sleeping with my husband and couldn't face me. It's a tiny bit of solace and the only excuse I can make for her actions.
My youngest sister helped tremendously and held down a fulltime job. My brother was busy partying, unknowingly planning his own demise.
Am I a martyr? Nope, but I loved my Mom and it was her wish to die at home and I felt obligated to help her do this.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I think what you are doing is admirable and to let you know that you're not alone, a been there- done that and can understand when you need to vent message :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:26pm
Thanks be10der, and sorry to the original poster for hijacking your thread!!

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