I'm afraid my "walls" are coming up . .
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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 5:00pm |
It's been a while since I've posted about my relationship with my SO. After a couple quiet days of thinking I think I'm finally ready to try to sort some of my thoughts out here. I'm not sure if I have a question - more likely I just a need to ramble on a bit.
Some background - my SO and I have been acquaintances for several years, friends for a few (previously worked together), dating since last December. He's 47, never married, no kids. I'm 32, divorced with 2 kids (ages 9 and 3). This is my first relationship since my divorce. My guy is very attentive; actions are very loving; we can talk about inteligent things or we can be silly; we have fun going out and doing "active" things and we can be content with a nice quiet evening at home; and he calls me at least daily just to see how things are going. My kids love it when he stops by for a visit, but mostly he and I spend time together on the evenings that my kids are with their dad (2 or 3 nights a week). Sex is far better than I ever had with my ex. We've met each others families and friends etc. I care about him a great deal, in fact I think I've gone and fallen in love with him - much more quickly than I ever thought possible following my divorce.
So what's the problem?
When we first started dating he told me that he feared there would come a day that I would want more from him than he would be able to give me. When someone tells me something - I believe it. At that point I wasn't sure if I would ever think about getting married again and I told him so. That was 8 months ago and I'm afraid I'm already a different person now than I was then - and he's part of the reason why. Because of the way our relationship makes me feel I am beginning to consider the possibility of marriage in my future (still far off into the future mind you). Although his actions make me feel that he does feel some level of committment towards me I do not think it is likely that the committment of marriage will ever be part of his future. Although I'm afraid that it is too late for us to avoid pain, I'm feeling like it's time for me to take some gradual steps back (ie. start being a little busier with other things). I love him, but I'm not going to bring this up when I'm not ready to fully commit to him at this point either. Nor do I want to abruptly remove him from my life.
Has anyone been able to backpedal some without destroying all parts of the relationship? He really is one of my best friends, I'm just feeling the need to protect myself a little. I'm thinking that we've been spending a little too much time together if we're not ready (or may never be ready) to talk about a long-term future other than friendship. Any advice?

8 months ago and I'm afraid I'm already a different person now than I was then - and he's part of the reason why.
The other part of the reason why is that you're becoming Your Own Person, rather than 1/2 of a bad marriage.
"wouldn't he want to know what you are thinking or feeling about something that involves him?" - YES, he would and I WANT to talk to him about how my feelings might be changing - but I'm hesitant because of what he has said in the past (before we were dating) about his prior relationships. To sum up how they ended - he put pressure on himself early in those relationships to decide right away whether or not he could see himself marrying the woman - and then ran in the other direction. I would like to think that it doesn't have to mean a hard and fast "fish or cut bait", but with him I'm afraid it would be the beginning of the end. I'm not ready to take a big risk either way quite yet.
On the bright side he is out of town this week and then I have my kiddos for two weekends in a row so just by chance I have some "space" built into our schedules which will give me some time to mull things over a little while. We'll talk on the phone of course and meet for lunch or something during that time - but I have a little breathing room before we'll be spending the entire weekend together again.
Edited 8/6/2007 8:40 pm ET by mom2maggie