Im devistated

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Im devistated
30
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 7:23am

Jerry has told me that he wants me to have an abortion. He says it wasnt an easy choice but what he feels is the best for him. I have an appointment for Saturday and my sister is coming along with me. I am angry hurt and numb -- its over for Jerry and I. My life as I have known it is now over and I have never felt so alone...all I do is cry. Thought i would all let you know. Thanks to all who have given me such wonderful advice and support here. Im not going to even consider dating for a long time and have no desire to. Good luck in all of your lives.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 8:39am
Is that what you want? Just because he wants that, doesn't mean that you have to abide by his wishes. It is your body, and you are carrying that child, YOU have the ultimate decision, not him.

Being a single parent is a rough job as most of us here know, but if it is something that you truly want, you can do it. As for the father of your child, he has a legal obligation to pay you child support, should you choose to have that baby. There are child support agencies in every state, check with your's and see what your rights are.

Good Luck in whatever decision you choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:47am
I don't think you should have the abortion yet.

Take some time to get over your anger to him and really think this out. Think about how precious your own children are to you and how much you love them. What if you would have done that to them?

Personally I would rather have a child than a man in my life - I would not have the abortion. I would have the baby. He will have to pay child support.

If you have the abortion you will live with much more regret and sadness than what you have now and this will be for the rest of your life. The abortion may fix one big unexpected problem but it will bring so many more.

Please take the time and think about this.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 10:13am
Marybeth, I'm so sorry. Huge hugs to you, whatever you decide. I'm glad the appointment isn't until Saturday because you do need a couple days to take a breath and process Jerry's wishes. I won't tell you what you should do, only that we are here for you and huge hugs and big shoulders whatever you decide. It's hard for me not to be hugely angry that he could say that was best for him, not best for both of you but best for him! But, please know we're here. And I understand about not wanting to date for a while but please check in and let us know how you're doing anyway.

Andrea

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 10:48am

Marybeth


I'm so sorry that this was his reaction.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 10:57am
Marybeth,

Please give this some careful consideration. I am a single MOm of two kids, but I also had two abortions. The first time, was with Alex's father and it was a time that I was heavily on narcotics and very stupid. When I did it, my world fell apart and I never truely got over it. Then I got pregnant again a year later, clean and a good job, after not being able to get over the first pregnancy. It was the best decision I ever made. Then I got married and I was pregnant with my X-husbands child, but the doctor said that the first pregnancy was so hard that I shouldn't get pregnant again. That the baby wasn't going to be strong enough and that I could possibly die in the process. So I had to abort. I then waited for years and I really wanted to have that other child and so, I decided to get pregnant again. I was stronger though and even though my husband said, he didn't want the child anymore, and I knew it was him or the child. I chose my child. I may be now a single mother of two; from two different fathers, both who don't pay child support, but I am a happier and balanced person with my two girls in my life. Nothing could ever change that. I thank god everyday that I received a second chance with both of them. Do what you feel is in your heart. If you loved this man and had good memories, then I would strongly consider you wait another week before making a sudden decision. It's your choice too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:19am
MaryBeth, do not do this just because he wants that. It is over anyways. I am not all "pro-lifey" because it is your choice but I will tell you this. I have friends that have put children up for adoption and I have friends who have had abortions (actually my sister is one) and I will tell you that NONE of the people who put their children up for adoption have regrets. ALL the people who got an abortion feel horrible - even 10/20 years later! I urge you to put your baby up for adoption. I have 5 adopted brothers and sisters I wouldn't trade the world for and my sister who got an abortion later ended up adopting. Jack's sister and BIL are currently in FL setting up a private adoption of a little boy who is not born yet.

I just feel that you will never be able to live with yourself as so many others have felt. In fact, I have had 2 friends (my friend Lori and Carrie) who did have abortions and said that if they had really known what it was like not only after but also during and how that felt they would NEVER NEVER EVER do it.

Like I said, it is your choice but if you are a healthy woman please consider giving another couple a gift they so desperately want.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:33am
Mary Beth:

I'm sorry things have turned out this way. I'm sure Jerry shocked you with his response. I believe the decision is yours to make. No one can tell you what to do. Please give your decision serious thought before Saturday to make sure that is what you want. Sometimes we make decisions while under stress or shock, but that might not be the right decision for you. I don't know if you read my response to your other post, but I was in a similar situation two years ago. I "accidentally" got pregnant when I was on the pill. When I did the pregnancy test and it was positive, I was so upset that I sent my BF and the kids out for the night. I called my best friend in Florida and talked to her about it. I told her I didn't want the child. I told my boyfriend that too. He wanted me to keep the baby and marry him. I said no. My friend told me to think about it seriously and not to make a spur-of-the-moment decision. My friend had an abortion when we were in college, so I knew she knew what it was like. She told me she didn't think I would be able to go through with it. As the days passed, I did think about it, and I changed my mind. I knew I couldn't go through with an abortion. After two months, I had a miscarriage. Give yourself enough time to think it through. The point I'm trying to make is that a decision made under duress may not be what you really want. After you are calmer and can think clearer, you may get a different result. I know I did. Or you may not change your mind, but at least give yourself the benefit of having considered all your options. Your friends and family and people that care about you will support you no matter what route you choose. Don't disappear from the board. It doesn't matter if you're dating or not. You're still a single mom, and you will need support and a place to vent. I'm not dating anyone right now, but I still check in when I can. You are in my prayers. Hugs to you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:35am
I really agree. I posted to the main thread but I wanted to add to this in that you don't have to decide RIGHT NOW to keep or not to keep this baby. Let this baby be born and then decide. Or wait until you are at the end of your pregnancy. Life can change SOOOO much in 8 or 9 months! Maybe in 2 months you will meet someone INCREDIBLE who loves you like no other and wants to be a father! Then how will you feel? You will ALWAYS feel sad over this if you get an abortion! FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! If you have the baby and still cannot take care of it or feel you want to keep it there are SO many who can and will! And you can live knowing you actually MADE a happy family! Even if you miss that child you will always feel good about it somewhere and maybe one dya you can know your child and see the wonderful life you gave them even if it was only birth.

I know I am sounding soap boxy but I am telling you that so many people can't do what you are so blessed to do. When I saw your heading today I thought you had a miscarriage and I felt terrible! Then to read this.....I don't even know what to make of it.

Please consider different options - this one is not one you will be happy with and I would wait and think. It isn't about what is best for Jerry. Jerry the Jerk off. It is about you but even more so taking the responsibility of that small life that your actions created.

If you are interested I am sure that I can help you find a good family. Watch adoption stories on the Health Channel and maybe you will see that there are so many different types of people that give up children for adoption - even full families with a mother and father who just can't afford another child or don't want that. You will see on there that it shows how they feel and how good they feel knowing they have done something wonderful for someone and not something based on fear.

(((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))) I know how scared you are. I had my child all alone with no help or man around me. Knowing that my child's father was BAD and I had BAD memories and I knew he was a felon in prison. And I had familty to help me and I wanted my baby. But even if I hadn't I would have given to a family. That gives you 9 months to decide hon - not 4 days. Please reconsider.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:36am
HUGS Marybeth. I am so sorry. I wish it didn't work out this way for you. I think it's only natural to feel hurt, angry, numb, etc., etc., etc. Please know that dating or not, you are welcome here.

I am so thankful you have your sister to go with you and offer you support. Please let us know if you need virtual hugs or support or words of encouragement. I'm thinking about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:52am
MaryBeth,

(((((HUGS))))) to you at this time. I offer you all my support and love no matter what you decide.

I just encourage you to listen to YOUR heart and do what's best for YOU. Jerry isn't the one making this decision, you are- it's your body. You will feel angry if you allow HIM to make this decision, so take back your right. If you decide, for yourself, that this is the best road, then you won't be as hurt by the whole experience.

Either way it's a hard choice to make. I trust you will do the right thing for you in the end. We are all here for you, whether you ever date again or not. I know it's also a great sadness that you will be breaking up with Jerry as well.

(((HUGS))) to you.

Alison

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