I am so sorry to hear of all this. It has to be incredibly stressful and hard to know what to do. My guess is that your ss knows you love him, and even though he's lashing out at you right now, he knows you will not stop loving him. Having a crappy mother has to have a deep effect on him, and he might see you as part of the reason his mom isn't like a mom to him - she doesn't need to be because he has you. It's not rational (and I could be wrong), but he's not mature enough yet to sort out all his feelings (it took me until my early 30s to make some major progress on dealing with my absent father). Plus being 17 is hard. Lots of really great children turn into really horrible teenagers. When the lash out, they lash out at the one's they love. I spent most of my 20s apologizing to my mom, and I wasn't even that bad of a kid (although I did cause her a lot of heartache from ages 17-21).
Don't take it personally. Lots of teenagers are horrible like that. It doesn't matter what you do. He's just being awful right now. My bf is having problems with his soon to be 17 yo son. I don't live with my bf and I've only been with him for 3 months. I could only imagine how bad things would be if we all lived together.
I remember my brother at that age. We had a good, intact family. He did his best to tear things apart and he never straightened up until he joined the Army.
If you and your H were not together, he'd be lashing out at his dad. As it stands, driving a wedge between the two of you is his best option at creating chaos. I bet he's depressed and stressed out about school and everything else. ((HUGS))) to you.
I don't have a step child so I am not sure if i can give you good advice - but I can say what I would do.
1) No poopy thoughts. This is not your fault - he is a teenager and has obvious issues. You have to be positive and not beat yourself up. 2) i think you and dh should get counseling with a family counselor that can give you good direction so you both have a plan you agree on and can be a united front and have less stress on your marriage.
Hope this helps. I am sure you have a very good head on your shoulders after reading many of your posts. I know you are going to do well.
There are really good books to read on step family situations - but one that stands out is called www.bonusfamilies.com
the women who head that site and books are the new wife and ex wife of the same man - one is a family psychologist and they say if they could make peace and raise kids then anyone can.
Maybe that will help? I saw one of the author's post as cl from one other board and I bookmarked her pages because I thought they were so helpful.
Marilyn, he's being rebellious and it probably doesn't have much to do with you. His anger has probalby been brewing for quite some time and it really directed at his mom, but he can't get a rise out of her. He can get one out of you, so you're a convenient scapegoat.
Try not to let it get to you.
He IS 17, and he could legally be on his own now. He's not a baby and most of the responsibility is his own.
You are not a failure. You haven't been a horrible step-mom. Don't let his teen-age angst rest on your shoulders. I do agree that some family counseling may be helpful - if only to help YOU feel like this isn't your fault.
I think ALOT of what he is going through is pretty normal, rebellious, teen age stuff.
My brother was kicked out at 17, immediately after he graduated from high school, for numerous reasons. Disrespect being one of them.
My beloved TT voluntarily moved out the beginning of his senior year in high school when his dad told him that "you won't smoke pot or have sex in my house, and you'll attend church every Sunday." He moved out. And he's turned out just fine (I swear! LOL!) and has a GREAT relationship with his dad - granted it's 23 years later - but it's been great for a long, long time.
I think you can safely say that this IS just normal teenage stuff. He's like a 2 year old testing his boundaries and seeing how much he can get away with, remember those days? What's in order is to look at things from his point of view and really get to his level. I'm sure there are things going on in his life that "you just don't understand" since you're a PARENT. Kids forget that we, as parents, were once their age.
I think what will help is to try to do a little positive reinforcement, just like when they are little. Ask him about something that he enjoys, get him talking about himself and have some fun with him. Does he enjoy biking, or skateboarding, does he have his own car? Find out if he needs any accessories and offer to help him buy them, (yes, bribe him) for his good behaviour. Reward system, if you will.
I think the biggest thing is to NOT get in a head to head. He's not as in control of himself as you are, or his father is. If he's being disrespectful, end the conversation right there with a "I did not appreciate that, you will not talk to me that way" and walk away. The less you allow him to bait you in, the less he will use you as a venting for his anger/ frustration.
I really hope that you get through this soon. Just remember that he's still a little boy and still needs love. Even if he's yelling at you that he hates you, tell him calmly that you still love him, and will be there for him when he needs you.
I really, really think this is just teen aged angst - and if he can get his mom on his side - no matter how he felt about her two seconds before - then that is what he is going to do. Sucks, but it's true.
Hugs to you and yours as you make your way through these rough waters!
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Marilyn, Hug hug hug!!!! I am sorry you are in so much pain. SO sorry. I do NOT look forward to Ty's teen years. I would
Don't take it personally. Lots of teenagers are horrible like that. It doesn't matter what you do. He's just being awful right now. My bf is having problems with his soon to be 17 yo son. I don't live with my bf and I've only been with him for 3 months. I could only imagine how bad things would be if we all lived together.
I remember my brother at that age. We had a good, intact family. He did his best to tear things apart and he never straightened up until he joined the Army.
If you and your H were not together, he'd be lashing out at his dad. As it stands, driving a wedge between the two of you is his best option at creating chaos. I bet he's depressed and stressed out about school and everything else. ((HUGS))) to you.
Hugs, Marilyn!
I don't have a step child so I am not sure if i can give you good advice - but I can say what I would do.
1) No poopy thoughts. This is not your fault - he is a teenager and has obvious issues. You have to be positive and not beat yourself up.
2) i think you and dh should get counseling with a family counselor that can give you good direction so you both have a plan you agree on and can be a united front and have less stress on your marriage.
Hope this helps. I am sure you have a very good head on your shoulders after reading many of your posts. I know you are going to do well.
Keep us posted.
There are really good books to read on step family situations - but one that stands out is called www.bonusfamilies.com
the women who head that site and books are the new wife and ex wife of the same man - one is a family psychologist and they say if they could make peace and raise kids then anyone can.
Maybe that will help? I saw one of the author's post as cl from one other board and I bookmarked her pages because I thought they were so helpful.
Marilyn, he's being rebellious and it probably doesn't have much to do with you. His anger has probalby been brewing for quite some time and it really directed at his mom, but he can't get a rise out of her. He can get one out of you, so you're a convenient scapegoat.
Try not to let it get to you.
He IS 17, and he could legally be on his own now. He's not a baby and most of the responsibility is his own.
HUGS
Candi
Ah, Marilyn, I'm sorry.
You are not a failure. You haven't been a horrible step-mom. Don't let his teen-age angst rest on your shoulders. I do agree that some family counseling may be helpful - if only to help YOU feel like this isn't your fault.
I think ALOT of what he is going through is pretty normal, rebellious, teen age stuff.
My brother was kicked out at 17, immediately after he graduated from high school, for numerous reasons. Disrespect being one of them.
My beloved TT voluntarily moved out the beginning of his senior year in high school when his dad told him that "you won't smoke pot or have sex in my house, and you'll attend church every Sunday." He moved out. And he's turned out just fine (I swear! LOL!) and has a GREAT relationship with his dad - granted it's 23 years later - but it's been great for a long, long time.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Marilyn,
I think you can safely say that this IS just normal teenage stuff. He's like a 2 year old testing his boundaries and seeing how much he can get away with, remember those days? What's in order is to look at things from his point of view and really get to his level. I'm sure there are things going on in his life that "you just don't understand" since you're a PARENT. Kids forget that we, as parents, were once their age.
I think what will help is to try to do a little positive reinforcement, just like when they are little. Ask him about something that he enjoys, get him talking about himself and have some fun with him. Does he enjoy biking, or skateboarding, does he have his own car? Find out if he needs any accessories and offer to help him buy them, (yes, bribe him) for his good behaviour. Reward system, if you will.
I think the biggest thing is to NOT get in a head to head. He's not as in control of himself as you are, or his father is. If he's being disrespectful, end the conversation right there with a "I did not appreciate that, you will not talk to me that way" and walk away. The less you allow him to bait you in, the less he will use you as a venting for his anger/ frustration.
I really hope that you get through this soon. Just remember that he's still a little boy and still needs love. Even if he's yelling at you that he hates you, tell him calmly that you still love him, and will be there for him when he needs you.
He'll "get it" soon enough.
Alison
Thanks everyone....Yesterday was just the most emotional day I've in a very, very long time.
CL-Entrepreneurial Women
Business Impressions, LLC
I'm glad you are feeling better, today, Marilyn!
I really, really think this is just teen aged angst - and if he can get his mom on his side - no matter how he felt about her two seconds before - then that is what he is going to do. Sucks, but it's true.
Hugs to you and yours as you make your way through these rough waters!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
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