((Hugs))There are a couple of things in your post that are causing me to brainstorm...firstly contact the school and doctor and ask for some guidance...they will refer you to a community center, a therapist, etc. I think that your family could really benefit from some family therapy right now. Secondly, he's drinking, being beligerent and acting out...why? Because you married dad? You've been in the picture for YEARS and NOW he's hating your guts? Don't you think that something else is going on? I get grounding him and holding him accountable for sure, but maybe something else is going on that needs looking into. I love how Chuck's sticking up for you. You are a fantastic wife and mom. I don't understand Chuck's reasoning for having to kick Brian out. He's a child, HIS child. Forever. This is an opportunity to teach Brian that you don't just run away. When you're in the family, it's for life. Hiding out at mom's not going to resolve anything.
You can't understand it, or rationalize it, or many any sense of it at all. This isn't happening because of you, this is happening because of what's going inside him, things he can't make sense of himself. It is not about him wanting or not wanting a relationship with you, it's not really about you at all. All those things about you favoring your children, that is an excuse to take the focus of whatever is going on with him because he can't tell you what it is, he may not even know exactly what it is or how to put it into words.
When you say you can't live like this, are you thinking of leaving the marriage? Or asking your step-son to stay out of the home? What would you do if he was your biological child and was saying he hated you and flipping you off? This kind of thing does not just happen to step-parents.
It is probably going to get worse before it gets better. What you step-son needs is help, but he's not going to get help until he's ready, and he's not going to get help as long as his mom is backing him up and agreeing you are the problem. You and your dh know you are not the problem, and you step-son knows this too, but his mom is probably just following her son's lead, like it's a game and she is on his side as long as his side is against you. But the game can only go so long, eventually he will figure out that he needs help and unfortunately, as good parents, you have to wait and be there for him when he is ready to accept that help. I am not sure exactly what you do right now, I agree you can't let him act that way in your house and you can't change all your household rules to accomodate his demands. Can you tell him that he should stay at his mom's until he's ready to show some respect to both of you?
Pages
I love how Chuck's sticking up for you. You are a fantastic wife and mom. I don't understand Chuck's reasoning for having to kick Brian out. He's a child, HIS child. Forever. This is an opportunity to teach Brian that you don't just run away. When you're in the family, it's for life. Hiding out at mom's not going to resolve anything.
And, it keeps unraveling.
CL-MMlife
Entrepreneurial Women Message Board <
You can't understand it, or rationalize it, or many any sense of it at all. This isn't happening because of you, this is happening because of what's going inside him, things he can't make sense of himself. It is not about him wanting or not wanting a relationship with you, it's not really about you at all. All those things about you favoring your children, that is an excuse to take the focus of whatever is going on with him because he can't tell you what it is, he may not even know exactly what it is or how to put it into words.
When you say you can't live like this, are you thinking of leaving the marriage? Or asking your step-son to stay out of the home? What would you do if he was your biological child and was saying he hated you and flipping you off? This kind of thing does not just happen to step-parents.
It is probably going to get worse before it gets better. What you step-son needs is help, but he's not going to get help until he's ready, and he's not going to get help as long as his mom is backing him up and agreeing you are the problem. You and your dh know you are not the problem, and you step-son knows this too, but his mom is probably just following her son's lead, like it's a game and she is on his side as long as his side is against you. But the game can only go so long, eventually he will figure out that he needs help and unfortunately, as good parents, you have to wait and be there for him when he is ready to accept that help. I am not sure exactly what you do right now, I agree you can't let him act that way in your house and you can't change all your household rules to accomodate his demands. Can you tell him that he should stay at his mom's until he's ready to show some respect to both of you?
Pages