I'm falling in love, he has kid issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
I'm falling in love, he has kid issues
14
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:03am

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:51am

This video has been making the rounds on the Internet and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor was on Oprah, NPR's Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and mentioned in the NY Times.






This is the TED (Technology, Entertainment, and Design) video where Taylor, a brain scientist,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:57am

1. It has only been a 3 month relationship, the whole family blending thing, one would hope, is quite a long way off, and your son will be older by then
2. The guy was being honest, that particular age is not one he wants to revisit

But- You are a package deal, son, whatever age he is at the time, is your son. He will always be part of your life and the guy in your life should understand that, accept that. Is living together something you want for this relationship in the near future? If so, this is not the right man for you. If it is a hypothetical, sometime in the future kind of thing, your BF's attitude will likely change as your son gets older.

I found that many men were not comfortable with the young age of my daughter, so those dating situations never developed past dating. A lot of men simply were not home much when their kids were that age, they were focused on work at that point in their lives. Therefore, many men have unrealistic expectations as to what is normal behavior at that age. My current BF was not real crazy about my D4 at ages 2 and 3, he really did not remember what was normal behavior for that age; but, since I have no intention of living together any time soon, and we don't spend a lot of time with one another's kids, it hasn't been a huge issue. I do stand up for my D4 as being normal, and I do remind M, on the odd occasion when it comes up, that it simply is not his concern how I parent her.

If it is bothering you, you need to have more of a discussion on this topic with your BF. Don't let it fester.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 12:19pm
Wow Mark what an incredible and moving speech!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 12:45pm

My children are 4 and 7 and at 42, I find it difficult to find a man willing to take on me as well as my young kids, which I completely understand.

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 1:43pm

Mark,


What a truly motivational speech.


How easily we allow the minor complications of life cloud our true purpose of existence here on Earth.


I will never forget what I have heard today. And will immediately decide to live out of my right hemisphere.


Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:36pm

Welcome! You have come to the right place.

My honest initial reaction after reading your plight? TMTFTS. (Too much, too fast, too soon)

I do realize that it is possible to feel heady attracted and infatuated with a man who is your lover after 3 months. And perhaps if you were young and rolled the dice you could make it work.

But, truth be told, you now have a little one to look out for - who is totally dependent on you. Yes, it is hard. But he is actually doing you a favor to act as a filter or "character control committee" so you don't find a dud who just wants the sex without the responsibility.

Because you do come with this 3 year old who is a toddler. And when he is grown his toddler annoyances are going to change to other ones. They say the bigger the kid the bigger the problems and issues and I agree.

If I was you I would feel that my kid was always doing things to annoy him if he said something to me like that. And I would dump him. But that is me. Because I am a package deal.

I also really feel that three months is too soon to say I love you or think about living together when both parties have kids involved.

I know it is not what you want to hear - and that you do feel you love him - but at the very least maybe it is a good reality check to slow down and put YOU and your boy first.

Good luck with your decision and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:45pm

Welcome to our wonderful supprt group on line.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 4:07pm

Thank you Mom_UK:


I am in agreement with you. See, this has been my first "real" relationship since my son was born (after his father of course).


I suppose I really didnt know what to expect when i got to this point.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 4:32pm

One school of thought from some therapists is that the step parent's role is to the child's friend not the disciplinarian ("You can't tell me what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:00pm

first you are welcome, I hope I helped some.


ITA with mark too, it IS useless to ask a 3 yo why he did something.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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