I'm going to be physically sick.......
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| Tue, 10-14-2008 - 12:36pm |
Catherine,
I didn’t sleep much last night. And I wanted to write, since it’s probably a better form of communication for me to use.
I think you’re wonderful, and I have strong feelings for you. But right now I may not be able to give you the attention you deserve. Yes, I have a lot of things going on in my life, and I guess I’m at a different place. I can’t offer you all of me. The feeling of not living up to expectations makes me physically sick.
I still want to date you, if you want to date me. But I think we should take a step back and slow things down.
I want you to feel free to date whomever you want. And I understand if you want to pursue a more fulfilling relationship with someone else.
If you want to talk more about it later, we can. I just wanted to get my collected thoughts on paper. I hope that’s cool.
RF
xxoo
I JUST FREAKING FINISHED RESPONDING TO A THREAD ABOUT COMMUNICATING CALMLY and THIS is where it got me. In case ya'll are wondering, this is the thread I just wrote and in the end, RF's response to it, came in the above format. Here was last nights talk that we had. Thinking I was communicating my feelings in a positive manner and getting positive feedback. GEESH! I FEEL SO SICK!!
The thread:
I have been bugged the last week that RF worries too much and then it distracts him and he gets sooo silent. He hasn't asked at all this week when we'll see each other and that I always have to bring it up. Finally, after him not saying anything about us meeting up, it started to really bug me. I began thinking that maybe he doesn't want to see me. Maybe he rather do something with his friends and he doesn't know how to tell me. Maybe something is bugging him with us....
So my mind goes around and around. Finally, when I forgot a bag at the Hobby Store, due to frustration and mind wandering about RF, I decided to just ask him.
I told him how I wanted to leave it alone, but realized that forgetting stuff and mind wandering was really bugging me and potentially dangerous when driving. LOL.
I then asked him if he thought we were spending too much time together? Or if he still felt like he wanted to see only me or if something else was bugging him regarding us.
He was totally taken aback. No clue whatsoever that their was an issue. His explanation was, that he always assumes we'll be together and that he didn't realize I wanted to be asked. I said, well, it would be nice, because I can't read your mind and I wouldn't want to take you away from you friends or make you feel bad if you did. WELLLLLL, then I began to tell him how little signs of us not making any real plans kind of bugged me. That we spent a beautiful Fall day doing nothing and that we've made plans, but haven't done of it yet. We've only talked about it and when I bring it up, he doesn't seem so interested and how that made me feel.
He felt awful and apologetic and said he guesses he has some things to work on, because he's crazy about me, thinks of me all the time and wants to spend all his time with me.
Anyway, communication, being open and not letting things fester is working much better then when I used to let myself go crazy over nothing, or sometimes even over something that I ligitimately had a reason to be nuts about.
Edited 10/14/2008 1:05 pm ET by myprecioustwo

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My response email to him:
Thank you so much for writing your thoughts down for me. I now feel physically sick myself, knowing that opening up my thoughts to you last night seems to have caused this. After we hung up, I too felt sick last night, because I realized that maybe you would come to this conclusion. It was never my intention to make you feel inadequate in any way. I feel a very strong connection to you and I guess my biggest fear was that you do not feel the same to me. Not that I wanted you to shower me with attention 24 hours a day. I too am new to being with someone again and for the first time in a very long time and maybe I just went about expressing myself wrong. I didn't say I wanted you to see me more, I just felt that maybe I was pressuring you into seeing me too much. I didn't want that to become an issue and now it seems to have blown into one.
I'm not someone that dates many people or that jumps into relationships. So for the first time, I feel like you are someone I want to spend my time with and be with.
Dating anyone else is not an option for me. I couldn't do it having already developed strong feelings for you. For that, it seems to have gone to far already. I'm not the type of person that just picks herself off the ground and jumps on the next horse. However, you thinking about things, might just make you realize your not ready for me and that instead of breaking my heart later, your better off to just bruising it a little now.
I agree that we have been very quick and intense between us and maybe that puts fear in both of us. You for getting out of a long bad relationship and for me, for not having been in one for a long time, because I've had bad relationships.
In all honesty, I see you as the possible fulfilling relationship that I've wanted for so long, but never had. I am absolutely crazy about you and that too scares me, but if it's your wish to step away from me, I cannot control that. I wish you wouldn't and I am sorry I made you feel so bad that it seems that walking away from me, is what you want to do.
I guess what I don't understand, is that you would tell so many people about us and then suddenly you would change, but maybe it has to do with us becoming intimate to quickly and you lost interest.
I have strong intuitions and maybe all of this, knowing that a conversation from you like this, would possibly develop, is what I've been feeling.
Whatever they are: I have to accept and respect your feelings and thoughts, Catherine
(((((((CAT))))))))
Out of left field.....I am stunned. I can't even think of what to say. All I can think is WTF!
((((HUGS)))))
I so sorry you are going through this.
NO SH%$!!! Totally out of left field, although I had this feeling after hanging up that their was going to be a reprocusion to last nights conversation. He just seemed so stunned and I kept trying to ease his mind that I just wanted to be sure that I wasn't crowding his space. Guess I don't have to worry about that. As if todays thread to Loony's email was premonition. However, I wished him a great morning per text today and he wrote back: You too, honey.
OMGosh, like yeah, it's a great day now!! I'm sitting here looking at last weeks flowers thinking: what the hell just happened? I'm so shocked, I'm actually laughing right now at the oddity of it all!
It's not of RF's business who and how often I've dated in my past, but that this year, I've taken things slow and no longer get on the horse, so to speak.
Edited 10/14/2008 1:30 pm ET by myprecioustwo
I'm so sorry sweetie!! Everything seemed to be going so good for you, it totally sucks that he had a change of heart like that.
I do want to add though not to get too mad at him about writing and not calling or telling you in person. I'm awful about putting my feelings together, so B gets a lot of handwritten stuff from me and then we talk about what I wrote. It's much easier for me to get my head together that way.
Good luck with RF, hopefully he'll come around.
Wow Cat, this guy is sending mixed signals like I have never seen!!!
My feeling is that this is a misunderstanding- which I KNOW from experience tends to happen with those pesky Scorpios :P
Oh Cat
JH
I know, such the green monster, but in my gut, I felt something was wrong and just felt like open communication last night, might help shed some light on something that had nothing to do with us, but maybe something else. Wanting him to have space to see his friends if he wanted too. I just didn't want him later telling me that I kept him from this. Again, just trying to maintain courteous open communication. I can't seem to get crap right. Either way I do it, it blows up in my face. I feel very very confused right now and at a complete loss. Of course, no further response from him, because he's at work, although, he wrote it from work. GREAT. I'm just not going to say anything anymore. I had my one response and my other green one and now I'm going to leave it. No use getting upset, right? It's only a bruise, not broken...
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