I'm going to be physically sick.......

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
I'm going to be physically sick.......
25
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 12:36pm

Catherine,
I didn’t sleep much last night. And I wanted to write, since it’s probably a better form of communication for me to use.
I think you’re wonderful, and I have strong feelings for you. But right now I may not be able to give you the attention you deserve. Yes, I have a lot of things going on in my life, and I guess I’m at a different place. I can’t offer you all of me. The feeling of not living up to expectations makes me physically sick.
I still want to date you, if you want to date me. But I think we should take a step back and slow things down.
I want you to feel free to date whomever you want. And I understand if you want to pursue a more fulfilling relationship with someone else.
If you want to talk more about it later, we can. I just wanted to get my collected thoughts on paper. I hope that’s cool.

RF
xxoo

I JUST FREAKING FINISHED RESPONDING TO A THREAD ABOUT COMMUNICATING CALMLY and THIS is where it got me. In case ya'll are wondering, this is the thread I just wrote and in the end, RF's response to it, came in the above format. Here was last nights talk that we had. Thinking I was communicating my feelings in a positive manner and getting positive feedback. GEESH! I FEEL SO SICK!!
The thread:
I have been bugged the last week that RF worries too much and then it distracts him and he gets sooo silent. He hasn't asked at all this week when we'll see each other and that I always have to bring it up. Finally, after him not saying anything about us meeting up, it started to really bug me. I began thinking that maybe he doesn't want to see me. Maybe he rather do something with his friends and he doesn't know how to tell me. Maybe something is bugging him with us....
So my mind goes around and around. Finally, when I forgot a bag at the Hobby Store, due to frustration and mind wandering about RF, I decided to just ask him.

I told him how I wanted to leave it alone, but realized that forgetting stuff and mind wandering was really bugging me and potentially dangerous when driving. LOL.
I then asked him if he thought we were spending too much time together? Or if he still felt like he wanted to see only me or if something else was bugging him regarding us.
He was totally taken aback. No clue whatsoever that their was an issue. His explanation was, that he always assumes we'll be together and that he didn't realize I wanted to be asked. I said, well, it would be nice, because I can't read your mind and I wouldn't want to take you away from you friends or make you feel bad if you did. WELLLLLL, then I began to tell him how little signs of us not making any real plans kind of bugged me. That we spent a beautiful Fall day doing nothing and that we've made plans, but haven't done of it yet. We've only talked about it and when I bring it up, he doesn't seem so interested and how that made me feel.
He felt awful and apologetic and said he guesses he has some things to work on, because he's crazy about me, thinks of me all the time and wants to spend all his time with me.

Anyway, communication, being open and not letting things fester is working much better then when I used to let myself go crazy over nothing, or sometimes even over something that I ligitimately had a reason to be nuts about.




Edited 10/14/2008 1:05 pm ET by myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:22pm

Some of this is ringing true to things leading up to my talk and ending stuff with nice cop... a thought I just had: we (women) tend to look for problems before there is one. Where as guys are happy to take things as they come and not foresee or look into or read into anything. Ever. Women do. So by you proposing that it was a problem spending so much time with you, RF took that and processed it as this : It's a problem, fix it. And he did. He fixed it by not spending time with you. Thus resulting int he email he sent about needing to back off. Women want to be curteous, and considerate which is why you wanted to put it out there that if he felt he was spending too much time with you, and wanted time for his friends, activities etc, then you would understand. RF may have taken that to mean "we spend to much time together." and he thought he needed to come up with a solution to the problem and fix it. Which he did, but not the way you would have wanted/expected. I just truely believe men & women process differently. I agree, perhaps a face to face conversation would clear the air really quickly HOWEVER, you have already emailed him a response and I think if you were to go further, it will push RF away at this point. Let him come to you. You have already replied to him, let him back away from you if thats what he needs, then let him come back to you. You can't change how he feels. If this really is what he wants, you can't change that right? But chasing after him right now will most certainly slam the last nails in the coffin so to speak. ((((HUGS)))) we're also not good at the waiting (when something is wrong, women want to know the outcome right away, or process it out loud, with our man. Men want to process it themselves first) Here is an article I came across from another board on here, I found insightful. If it helps to read it, great! If it doesn't, no harm. ((((HUGS))))


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:26pm
Wow, this seems totally out of the blue! I'm so sorry Cat. Is it possible that since he's such a worrier that he's worried about you pulling back, so he is? Either way, I just hope it's a mis-understanding and you can fix it. HUGS!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:40pm

My take is that this guy is in his head a lot (something I can relate to) which in turn gets him worrying about things.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:40pm
Thanks for the insight. I have no problem pulling back now and leaving it alone. I could have left it to one response, but WHY (LOL)? Him throwing this out of the blue on me, during my work time, deserved one more freaking response.
It's all him now as I throw in the towel and find it's not worth wracking my brain over it. It's not. I may get a response, or I may not, but I can't be tearing myself up about what I should or should not have said. I just tried to care. I never freaked, I even told him, I might be way off base but that I just wanted to ensure he was ok with our time together. Calm, understanding, nice. Whatever.......
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:47pm

But I didn't bring up even the potential thing about it being a problem. At least not my intention. The intention was being courteous about his time that backfired. I know he has a lot on his mind and I didn't want to think that he HAS to see me. He wasn't bringing up seeing me, I was and I noticed after three times asking him when we want to get together, that maybe I was a part of causing him to be so quiet around me.

However, what you say is very much him. I too am a thinker and since we both think too much, I guess I should have left it be and let it flow. I just didn't want to get further into something and later finding out I was acting like a ball and chain. :(

If I can't communicate anything even remotely on my mind, without him jumping to distancing himself, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Cat - who has now gone into cave-time woman mode. He wants me, he knows where I am. Otherwise, he can kiss my grits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 2:48pm
Wow, I am so sorry, I was just reading your posts yesterday thought how sweet they are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 3:19pm

First of all big (((HUGS))) it's awful when someone freaks out like that.


But....I agree with some of the other posters, I think he probably was overthinking things (I'm the world's worst for that) and got scared that maybe "he" wasn't what you want- and sent the email.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 3:32pm

RF Update:

Hey,
I'm sorry I'm just now getting back to you, but I've been crazy busy and have a presentation a little later. I think we just need to talk in person. Because I don't want you to misinterpret my emails. Sorry if I caused you to worry, but I think once we talk, everything will get sorted out. When are you free?

That'll be an interesting conversation. I'm contemplating giving it a few days and giving myself some time after feeling so blown away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 3:36pm

Oh Sweetie - Its so hard!

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 3:43pm

Thanks Rebecca! I was initally going to go for an email, but decided a voice might sound better. Maybe I should have asked in a face to face mode, but I didn't want him to feel on the spot.

Communication can be sooo hard, no matter in what frame it is. I think I've tried every vice of conversation and depending on the person, it always back fired on me in some way or another. Maybe I just suck at it! :)