I'm hoping this won't be too much..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm hoping this won't be too much..
15
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 9:43am

4-days and counting, things have been pretty quiet around here.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:10am

I would keep the letter and just wait it out a few days. Reread it and make any changes where you feel you might be getting to emotional. In no way should his son tear you both apart. My fathers 2nd marriage broke up because my sister broke them up. He chose her over his wife. Big mistake. She was a wonderful person. When he met his 3rd wife though, he told my sister if you can'T ship up, ship out. She didn't so he gave her the ticket to leave. I wouldn't say I would ever choose my children over my husband, but I think on both sides, it would mean, who is being the difficult one! Obviously, his mother couldn't handle him and maybe that should show him, that his son isn't the easiest to get along with. He is definitely testing the waters. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I do believe your own children are suffering miserable for your step son's temper tantrums and Chuck not standing by you enough and putting his foot down and stopping this mess.

Big HUGSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have every right to feel hurt and confused and everything that is going on with you. You are carrying a huge load, but you must stay focussed and think of what you can and cannot control and maybe you should put down an ultimatum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:45am
It's not just you who needs your husband to be the man and be in control, his son needs that too. And it sounds like he has realized that is what he has to do, which is why he didn't move out and why he told his son what he told him. If I were you, I'd hold onto the letter. It is good for you to write it, but maybe wait and see if you really need to give it to him. If he's already figured out what you need him to figure out, the letter will only remind him of what he already knows (that he was about to make a really big mistake and hurt everyone).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:42am

I don't think you should give him that letter at all. I think you should write it for yourself but then put it away. He has made his choice now and you have a nice trip ahead of you. Don't sabotage the future with the past - do what you can for a nice family trip and to move ahead with this.

I think you need to make sure you are getting enough exercise so you can air your head out and not be so stressed about things you can't control. You can't control how DS acts - you can only control how you act. You should seek counseling to help you through, too.

A new marriage with a blended family is not easy - everyone just needs the time and encouragement to find their way. Your hubbie is finding his way and learning to fill big shoes. I think you should encourage him and everyone. It will work out in time. I think he was not wanting to leave you - he was forced into a corner with all of the stress.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 3:15pm

Marilyn, you have EVERY right to feel hurt and angry and frustrated with your DH. He has NOT been the stable "man in your life" lately and represents more uncertainty than anything else right now.


And yes, for all that you're struggling with, he is as well. But priorities are still priorities and I think you are right to let him know (however you can. if by letter, then so be it) what your needs are, and why you are hurting and what your expectations for marriage were and still are.


I hope he recognizes that in even SAYING he would move out that he's opened a HUGE area of mistrust that he's going to have to work at rebuilding.


hugs to you. I am glad you've had a good couple of days. Keep journaling and working through those feelings. You are always so good about that !

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 3:38pm

>>>I hope he recognizes that in even SAYING he would move out that he's opened a HUGE area of mistrust that he's going to have to work at rebuilding.<<<

I agree with you but I have a thought, and Marilyn can take it or leave it. Saying that she is still hurting over his idea to move out might cause him to feel even more pain/guilt than he is already in. We know everyone in the family is hurting. She might be able to get the same point across by saying how relieved/comforted she was that he did not choose to take that path, but that she fears he will change his mind and still abandon her and the marriage over this. Instead of focusing on the negative (and what he almost did wrong), she could express it in a way that would focus on what he did right (deciding not to leave, standing up for her), and still express her fear/concern. It would allow him to feel good about the decision he did make (versus bad about the one he almost made) and let him know what he needs to do now (reassure her and rebuild the trust that he will stick around).

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 3:44pm

Yes, I can see your point. I don't agree with the "don't talk to him about this. He's doing better. let it all go" notion at all. But presenting her concerns in a different less abrasive way is a good idea too.


I hadn't really thought through the how to's of saying something to him. But I definitely think that he needs to know SOMEHOW that she's feeling insecure and needs some reassurance from him.


This idea that she should just cater to his needs and not mention her own worries about this because he's trying to do better are SO contradictatory to good communication, as far as I can tell. She has the need for and the right to some comfort herself.

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 4:07pm

I guess the reason I said to write the letter and not give it to him initially, is because I felt it's more about her healing from what happened than getting him to change what he's doing. He's already done what she wanted - he decided to do what is right and stay. Telling him how she feels about what he did in the past, is well, in the past and there isn't a thing he can do about that, it will just sound like complaining to him. If she just needs to get her feelings out (to vent - and she should feel the need to do this), then the best approach is to write the letter and file it away. She has to recover and that takes time, and journaling, writing letters (and not sending them) is a common tool to get through that process. She should do this, but she should not give him a whole long letter that includes all her venting and everything she feels.

If she wants/needs his reassurance, how she communicates makes a big difference. A long letter that is a big vent is not going to make him receptive to listen to her needs or tell him what he should do. To get him to see how he's hurt her, she should first make a positive statement (like the fact she is glad that he made the right decision) and then be specific about what she needs (like the fact that she is worried he will change his mind again).

If he feels that what she needs him to do is go back in time and undo what he said before, he's going to feel lost and frustrated and he won't know what to do, which in turn is not going to help Marilyn feel any better about the situation. If he see's that he has done the right thing, but there is one more step (reassuring her, rebuilding the trust) then he has a clear picture of what is going on and an action plan to work on the problem. That will hopefully leave them both feeling better and more confident and more like a team.

My guess is she needs to do both. She should write a really long letter, edit it, write more and keep doing this over the coming weeks and months. This is for her only. When she feels ready, she can take a few pieces of what she's written and communicate only those thoughts and feelings to him in a postive way and with an action plan of what she needs him to do about it.

I do this all the time with my bf. I have a journal and I write a ton about what I am thinking and feeling. Sometimes I go a couple weeks without writing, sometimes I write every day. Sometimes I re-read it, sometimes not. There is a lot in there, I write everything I'm feeling and thinking. Every so often I take an excerpt and communcate that to him (occasionally email him), but what I tell him is well thought out and concise so that he can hear it and is able to digest it. I might write 5 pages and what comes out to him is "I need to know what you are thinking about x." So far this approach seems to work well, because when I have asked him a question or pushed for some information, I have gotten what I have asked for. We all know that I am no relationship expert, so take my advice for what it is, just my opinion :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 4:41pm

I might write 5 pages and what comes out to him is "I need to know what you are thinking about x."


This is good. I do it too, sometimes, and am always confident with the results. I need to remember to do it more! ;)


I'll write and just rant and rave in my journal pages, when I do journal. Sometimes I feel angrier after. Then I stash it away. But inevitably, even if it stirs up some anger, it does stir it up and then GET IT OUT and that's a good thing.


And you are right, he does have another step to take in reassuring her. That's the main issue. NO ONE can undo a hurtful thing, but they can certainly undo some of the damage by being reassuring about future actions. I am sure that would make Marilyn feel much better to have some confirmation from her DH that not only is he doing THIS differently in this situation, but that he now knows that won't be a good solution ever and does not intend to do that. That was definitely what I thought she needed to discuss with him.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 5:19pm

I might write 5 pages and what comes out to him is "I need to know what you are thinking about x."

THAT is brilliance!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 5:26pm

Hi there....Thanks for your responses.


I haven't given him the letter yet.

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