I'm New & Need Advice
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I'm New & Need Advice
| Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:29pm |
My Background: I am 24 years old and am I single mother of my two year old Matthew. I have always been a single mother and was never in a significant relationship with Matthew's father.
I haven't had much dating experience since becoming a mommy, but about three months ago I started a new relationship which ended last week after about 3 months. My boyfriend was great and we both fell in love quickly and had tons of fun together and spent tons of time together. My two year old son was becoming attached to Brian so I posed the question to my boyfriend, where are we headed? Are you ready for a serious commitment because my son is becoming attached and I am looking for "the one". He spent a few days thinking about it and said he's not ready for the responsibility and he isin't looking to settle down just yet. So we broke up because he was worried he would end up letting me down.
I know that I want a long term committed relationship but I also feel like after two months that I shouldn't have posed the big question. It was too soon and I feel like a sabatoged a perfectly good relationship. He asked me to take a 10 hour road trip to Arizona to meet his mother just days before we broke up and now we are just friends but it feels like there are still lots of feelings between us.
I have trouble dating because I work 40 hours a week and I hate giving up any of my extra time with my son to be with a man. It makes me feel so guilty. I think that was one problem in this relationship, Brian would always invite me to go places, even to bring Matthew with us but I always said no. It is so much work to bring a two year around because I never know how he will behave. It's just a hassel.
My questions are how do I deal with the guilt of leaving my son with a baby sitter/ or grandparents when I want to go out?
When is it a good time to let a boyfriend know how serious you are?
Now that we are broken up do we remain friends or should I just cut him off? I regret to say this but we have been intimate since we broke up a couple times. Is that bad?
I haven't had much dating experience since becoming a mommy, but about three months ago I started a new relationship which ended last week after about 3 months. My boyfriend was great and we both fell in love quickly and had tons of fun together and spent tons of time together. My two year old son was becoming attached to Brian so I posed the question to my boyfriend, where are we headed? Are you ready for a serious commitment because my son is becoming attached and I am looking for "the one". He spent a few days thinking about it and said he's not ready for the responsibility and he isin't looking to settle down just yet. So we broke up because he was worried he would end up letting me down.
I know that I want a long term committed relationship but I also feel like after two months that I shouldn't have posed the big question. It was too soon and I feel like a sabatoged a perfectly good relationship. He asked me to take a 10 hour road trip to Arizona to meet his mother just days before we broke up and now we are just friends but it feels like there are still lots of feelings between us.
I have trouble dating because I work 40 hours a week and I hate giving up any of my extra time with my son to be with a man. It makes me feel so guilty. I think that was one problem in this relationship, Brian would always invite me to go places, even to bring Matthew with us but I always said no. It is so much work to bring a two year around because I never know how he will behave. It's just a hassel.
My questions are how do I deal with the guilt of leaving my son with a baby sitter/ or grandparents when I want to go out?
When is it a good time to let a boyfriend know how serious you are?
Now that we are broken up do we remain friends or should I just cut him off? I regret to say this but we have been intimate since we broke up a couple times. Is that bad?

Welcome to the board!
I agree with everything Jennie said.
The only thing I have to add is that if you want a real committed relationship you have to do things differently from the start. You have to let the guy pursue you and be willing to work around your single mom schedule. You have to wait to be intimate until you are sure he wants the same things out of a dating relationship and life. And you have to wait to introduce your son until you have a good feeling this is something that is going to last.
If you are just hanging out, having sex and running around with his schedule and having your son involved without any commitment from him that is a very different message than what you really want. I think when you put the pressure on him that your son is getting attached you scared him - and that is okay - because you are right to be concerned for your son. But next time you will do it better.
It is totally okay to have a babysitter - especially later like Jennie said. You do have to have your adult time to be a good mom. Going out a few times a week is okay. And this will help to keep you slow in the beginning.
I hope this helps - the others will also probably have good tips to add. If you check out our home page - http://singlemom-ivill.tripod.com/ - you will find some good tips.
Welcome!! And keep us posted!!
Jennie gave excellent advise as did West but I have an issue with the pursue part.
Well she had said he wasnt looking for a ltr. Now go and look elsewhere, why be a booty call. Sex is a great thing but dont use it to hold onto someone it is not worth it. Have some respect for yourself.
A 24 year old guy is to young to understand the seriousness of dating a woman with a child. Maybe you should be looking for someone older who understands what kind of committment it takes to be with a woman with a child.
First of all, it's NEVER wrong to have the "where is this headed?" relationship. You should be able to have conversations like that with the person you're involved with, otherwise you don't know their agenda, and they don't know yours. It's always good to be upfront, and like Jennie said, it's better to know that they're looking for a long term thing or not, even if you don't turn out to be the "one" for them. A guy who's just going with the flow and not really serious about being with a woman and thinking long term is not the kind of guy you want if that's what YOU'RE looking for.
I also agree that you don't have to be giving up time with your son to date men. You can have your son spend time with his grandparents for the afternoon on a sat so you can go for lunch or you can have a babysitter come over after your child has gone to bed. Like Judy said, he has to be willing to work around your schedule, not you into his, especially if he doesn't have kids- he can be more flexible. If you then decide that you're going to be a serious couple, then introduce him to your son, but don't start acting like a "family", let them get to know each other, but don't suddenly have him hanging around all the time. I think it's best to just introduce him as a friend of yours, and see how they get along.
But the sex thing has to stop. You're just giving him free sex without a commitment, and he's going to continue that until A) you stop it or B) he finds another gf. If you're serious about wanting a commitment, you're not going to change his mind and show him what he's "giving up" by not wanting to be with you- he's still getting free sex! Cut him off of the sex and be available for the guy who IS going to be looking for that commitment!
Alison
I agree with what has been posted.
1. Do not have sex with the ex BF. I'd cut off the "friendship" altogether.
2. Do not introduce your child to any new boyfriends until you've dated for a good long while.
There's a couple of things going on here. First off, you're still in the new mommy stage where you absolutely do not feel like leaving your child for anything. There's NOTHING wrong with that. Very young children need as much of your time as possible. If you don't feel like it's right to leave, then don't. But, don't take him on dates. Just because your ex bf invited your sons to go places, doesn't mean he really wanted him there or would have been okay with things if your 2 yo acted like a 2 yo.
You don't necessarily need to date a much older man, but you do need to find someone who has some stability in his life. Guys who are still in school or not settled in a career path get spooked easily when it comes to women and marriage (and kids).
With the next guy, try not to be available so much. Let him pursue you.